Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18629, 26 July 1930, Page 13

Humour of the Week

Not to be Cheated. Taxi-driver: “The fare is two-and-six. please.” Frenchman: “No. that ees too much.” Taxi-driver: “Well, we’ll say half-a-Frenchman: “That ees better; you can’t cheat me.” Safety in Frills. Two men were making their first; trip across the Atlantic. On the first night out the liner pitched like a chip | in the big waves. One of the travellers, going to his . stateroom to retire, found his friend j just getting to bed. and was astonished ! to note that he wore a woman’s frilly nightgown and had a lace and ribbontrimmed boudoir cap on his head. “For heaven’s sake, man,” he gasped, “what’s the idea?” “Well,” said his friend, “don't you know the rule: In case of disaster, women and children first.” Amateur Lawyer. Penitent: “I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!” Priest: "That is very wrong.” Penitent: “Would you like to accept I it. father?”

I Priest: “Certain I will not receive ! stolen goods—return it to the man from i whom you stole it.” Penitent: “But I have offered it to I him and he won't take it.” I Priest;. “In that case you may keep it | yourself.” ! Penitent: “Thank you. father.” i The priest returned home to find one I of his own geese stolen. Only a Rumour. For five years Jack and Jean had walked along the path of love, but as yet the youth had never mentioned marriage. Courtship is charming, but when there seems to be no altar-rails at the end of it, girls naturally begin to lose interest in the game. Joan thought it time the wedding day was fixed, so one day as they were strolling through Albert Park, she threw out a gentle hint. “Jack.” she whispered, coyly, “there’re all saying we’re going to be married soon.” “Are they?” answered Jack. “What a sell it'll be for them when they find out we aren't!”

In and Out. The proprietor of the country hotel looked worried, and when the policeman approached he said: “Yes, I know I’m open after hours; but it isn't my fault. I've got a man here who refuses to leave. 1 ' “Oh, you have, have you?" said the policeman. “We’ll soon see about that." He marched into the house, and, going up to a shabby man sitting in a corner, deposited him outside before he could protest. Whereupon the proprietor quickly bolted and barred his doors. i “Now then," said the policeman, surveying the offender, “who are you that you should refuse to leave licensed premises, I should like to know?” “Who am I, you idiot? Why. I'm the bailiff's man—that’s who I am!” ’ Sound Advice. The young sailor was on holiday leave, and he was spending most of his time with his young lady friend. Happy , though he was, his joy was somewhat dimmed because she would not let him kiss her in the street. . Presently, as they were wandering i across Waterloo Station he saw a mail : kiss his wife outside the platform where ; a train was leaving for Southampton. : Quickly an idea flashed through his , j mind, and he rushed the girl to the i | platform entrance, and while mingling 1 I with the crowd he kissed her. ■ As the crowd thinned he rushed her 3 j along to the platform where a crowd of t I people were waiting to enter the plat- , j form for a train for Plymouth. i i Several times he did this rushing t I from one platform to another where the , I crowds were thickest. s ! At last a porter who had been , j watching them for some time, went up 1 I to the sailor. I “I say, young man,” he said, “why don't you go down to the Underground? The trr’ns leave there every two min-

Bit by Bit. Jones was proudly conducting his friend Smith over the new house. It was a comfortable place, and Smith admired it. “Yes,” he said, “you’ve certainly got a very nice house. . But I see you haven't named it yet. What are you I going to call it?" [ “LtttledovJh.” | “Littledown? What on earth for? That's hardly suitable for a house in a town like yours.” j “Oh, yes, it is. Little down—and | balance by instalments.” Business Prospects. ' j Little Isaac returned home from school looking very thoughtful. “Dad,” he said, entering his father’s •! shop, “our teacher told us at school j that in Alaska a day lasts six months.” 1 “That’s right, my boy," returned his ■ | father. “My, but wouldn’t I like to do j business there!” I “Why so, dad?” asked little Isaac | wonderingly. ? “Well, just think, son,” explained his ; father, “if a man came to collect the i rent I could tell him to come back 1 ; again to-morrow!”

Man and the Tiger. A motorist on a holiday tour, approving a North Country village, was very surprised to see an elderly man running down the road as hard as he could go. Thinking to give a hand in case something was wrong, the motorist stopped his car and called to the man. "What are you running for?” he asked. The man pulled up, gasping, and panting hard. “There’s a wild beast show down in the village,” he replied, "and one of the tigers has broken loose.” Good gracious!” exclaimed the motorist. "Which way did he go?” "Well, you don’t suppose I’m chasing him, do you?” returned the villager. Hair-Raising Anecdote. Roberts and Smith, two young men up from the country, were spending the afternoon looking round r, famous London art gallery. Presently they came opposite a portrait of a well-known musician. Roberts stopped, and gaxed critically at the painting. "Strange how all the famous musicians used to have long hair,” he said. “Yes,” put in Smith thoughtfully. “I always thought long hair made a fellow look intelligent.” "Well, so it does,” Roberts replied. -That chap looks very intelligent.” “Maybe,” murmured Smith dejectedly: "but my wife found some long hairs on my overcoat the other night, and it made me look absolutely foolish.” Just For Luck. Sandy was about to pay a visit to London, and his friend Angus was giving him a little advice and a few hints on what to do during the journey. "And. mon,” said Angus, “it’s supposed to be very lucky if you throw a halfpenny out of the carriage windows as you pass over all the river bridges on your way south.” Sandy thanked his friend and set out for the train. Two days passed, and on the third Angus received a letter from his friend. It read:— "Thank ye for your advice about the halfpennies, Angus; I managed to do this all right crossing the Dee. and it was all right crossing the Tay Bridge; but when I came to the Forth Bridge the string got mixed up with the girders, and I lose my halfpenny.— Sandy.” Running No Risks. Breathless and excited, young Rubinstein rushed into his father’s office. "Fader, fader,” he cried, “it’s pouring with rain! Shall I pring in de men’s trousers vot's hanging outside?” "Vot you say?” queried the old man, who was very deaf. “De men's trousers!” screeched Isaac. "It’s raining—dey’re getting vet r "Somepodv vants some flannelette?” said the old man. "No. no!” yelled Ikey. "It’s raining! Shall I pring in de men’s trousers? Dey’re getting vet!” Then the serious ness of the situation dawned upon Rubinstein. "No, my poy ” he cried. "Never mind de trousers —dey’U sell for run-ning-knickers; pring in de vater-proof coats, or dey’ll get soaked through!” Spoilt the Effect. The tram was crowded as it toiled up | Upper Queen Street, and the occupants were listening W’ith interest to the hightoned conversation of two stylish-ly-dressed women, one of whom was accompanied by a small boy. Soon everyone knew’ that one of the speakers had recently moved into a “larger house, much more up-to-date, you know!” “Do you know,” she said, “we had such a trying time getting things in order on the last occasion we moved | that this time we just handed the house over to Sparkes and Co., and j they did everything. My husband and I went to Rotorua until things were in orded.” At this point the small boy shouted; "Look, mummy, lock!” "Such an ob rvant child!” smiled Iris mother. "What is it. Harold?” "Lock, mummy”—and he pointed to a Hebraic-visaged individual on the pavement—"there's the man who comes every week for the furniture money!”