Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18617, 12 July 1930, Page 13

Humour of the Week

Grandmother’s Popularity. Sarcastic Boss: “I notice there were 35.000 people present on the afternoon that your grandmother was buried.” Office Boy (rising to the occasion): “I couldn’t say exactly how many, sir—but grandma was always very popular!” Two Hearts That Beat as One. “I am a woman of fe\y words,” announced the haughty mistress to the new maid. “If I beckon with my finger, that means come.” “Suits me, mum,” replied the girl. “I’m a woman of few words myself. If I shake my head, that means I ain’t cornin’.” Wakefulness. “Mollie,” said her mother, “you were very restless in church.” “Was I?” was the penitent response. “You never see daddy behaving in that way. Why couldn’t you be quiet like him?” “Well, mummie, you see, I wasn’t a bit sleepy.” Identification. “Is Mr Perkins at home?” inquired the caller. “‘Which one, sir?” asked the parlourmaid. “There are two brothers living here.” For a moment the caller looked puzzled, then he had a brain wave. “The one that has a sister at Birmingham,” he explained.. The Real Peril. During the furnace-cleaning operations in a large steel works the workmen occasionally had to walk across a plank, high in the air. One of them would cross it on his hands and knees. “‘Are you frightened of walking on the plank?” the foreman said to him once. “No, sir,” replied the man; “ ’tis frightened I am of walking off it!” Just the Thing. He was reading his morning paper after breakfast. “Ah! this is wonderful 1 !" he said to his wife. “They are inventing an infallible instrument which will be able to gauge the depth and exact contents of the Atlantic in gallons. You just submerge the thing , and it registers the answer.” “Oh, lovely!” said the wife. “We’ll have one, and we shall be able to check the milk. I’m sure I often get short measure!” The Way of the Road. Two friends had been dining out, and as they motored home along the Great North Road, in the dark the car took such a zigzag course that the road seemed scarcely wide enough. The driver was quite serene but his friend was not, and said so. Just then they were approached by a huge car showing Brilliant head-lights. The man who was driving said, “You shay I’m not fit to drive, ol’ man. Don’t you believe it. You just see me shteer this ol’ bus between thoshe two lights!” Failure of the Plan. The visiting elder had found it incumbent upon him to talk seriously with Tammas about his over-indul-gence in strong drink. Tammas admitted his failure with a solemn shake of the head. “Do you know what you should do, my man?” said the elder. “Every time you feel inclined to go into a publichouse you should just say to yourself firmly, ‘Get. thee behind me, Satan!’ Will you try that plan for a week or two?” Tammas agreed, but the very next week the elder met him coming out of Poosy Nancy’s bar. Without waiting for the elder to say anything, Tammas reeled up to him and remarked: “Yer plan didna work, elder, for whenever I said the speil Satan got behind me and pushed me in.”

Raising Them. Lady: “How much are these chickens?” Poulterer: “Half a crown, ma’am.” Lady: “Did you raise them yourself?” Poulterer: “Yes; they were 2/3 yesterday.” With Loud Effects. A lady motorist, whose car had swerved across a street and crashed through a plate-glass window, was being questioned by the police-sergeant. “Surely on a street as wide as this.” he said in amazement, “you could have done something to prevent this accident?” “Oh, I did!” the lady assured him tragically, “I screamed as loud as I could.” Lesson in Honesty. Five minutes passed, but the small boy persisted in trying to take seven from five. Finally, in exasperation, the teacher said, “Now t , boy, if you had five apples in your pocket, could I take seven out?” “No, sir!” was the immediate reply. Ae benign smile wreathed the teacher’s face, and he asked:— “Why not, my lad?” “Because, sir,” answered the boy. decidedly, “they’re not yours!” Unexpected Reply. The appetite of the guest was a keen one, and he was doing full justice to the dinner. The little daughter of his host watched him for a while. Then she smiled on him brightly, and said: “Oh, I do wish you were here to dinner every day.” The guest beamed with satisfaction. “Do you, my dear? Why?” “Because,” came the unexpected reply, “there won’t be anything cold to eat to-morrow.” A Kitchen Tragedy. An angry customer came into the grocer’s and tossed a package on the counter. “Makes washing a pleasure, does it?” she blurted out. “Does the washing while you wait, does it? It’s the little flakes of soap that—” “One moment, please, madam,” said the grocer. “This is not soap.” “Not soap—not soap?” “No! Your daughter asked for half a pound of grated cheese and half a pound of soap flakes. This is the cheese.” “My stars and last night I made a pudding—” Earning Easy Money. The manager of a large shop, while passing through the toy department, observed a boy leaning against the counter and whistling in a lazy manner. The manager stopped and gave the boy a searching look, as he said: “How much do you get a week?” “One pound,” said the boy. “Well, here’s a week's wages. Now clear out of here and don’t come back.” The boy took the money, and went away smiling. “When did we engage that boy,” the manager inquired of the shopwalker. • “We never engaged him at all, he was just looking over the toy counter.” Delicacy and Tact. A certain Irishman prided himself upon his delicacy and tact. One day when a boy was killed in the quarry where he worked he told the men to leave everything in his hands and he would break the news to the boy’s mother in the best possible manner. He went home, put on a black suit and tie, and started for the mother’s house. “Good mornin’, ma'am.” he said, “ Tis the sad accident ye boy's gold watch has met wid.” “Why.” said the mother, “Tom never had a gold watch.” “Sure, an’ that's lucky,” said the diplomat, “for twinty tons uv rock fell on him.” Young Wife’s Cooking. A young bride who hadn’t the slightest knowledge of cooking determined to make a great effort to please her husband. Her mother-in-law told her he was very fond of Welsh rarebit, so she set about perfecting herself in the preparation of this dish. Her failures were many and varied, and finally she gave up in despair. A few mornings later her husband, leaving the block of furnished flats in which they lived, was stopped by the caretaker. “Look here, sir,” said the latter, “will you please ask your wife to stop throwing chunks of linoleum out of the window?” The Angler’s Trials. He pulled in his line, and found—nothing. Several times that day the same thing happened. He had a dull time until, in making another cast, the hook caught in the back of his coat. He went through more evolutions than an expert contortionist to reach that hook. He even tried to rub it out against a tree, but a smart jab in the small of the back stopped that. At last he started in search of someone to extricate it. Five miles he tramped before espying a human being. “Here, my good man,” he called out to a farm hand, will you please take that hook out of my back? I’ve walked miles trying to find someone to remove the thing.” “Of course I will,” said the farm hand, “but why didn’t you try taking your coat off?”