Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18542, 12 April 1930, Page 15 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

Accepted. Returned Diner: “I left a wallet containing £IOO in notes on the table.” Thankful Waiter: “Yes, I found it, and I appreciate your thought.” One Thing. Wife: “What did you ever do that benefited any fellow-man?” Husband: “I married you, didn’t I?” Strenuous Golf. An American was playing golf with an English peer, and the American had been carving up the turf all over the course. Eventually the peer said: “Pardon me, but is it not the custom in America to replace the divot?” “Divot?” remarked the American., “What do you mean?” “I mean don’t you replace the turf?” “Replace the turf?” the American 1 repeated. “Oh, no, only when putting!” Looking For It. A farmer, shortly after his arrival in London found he had lost his wallet, so he went to the nearest police station and reported the matter. “You may rest assured we shall not leave a stone unturned in our endeavours to find it,” said the officer. Next day the farmer was walking through the principal London streets, where the usual excavations were going on. “They’re keeping their word,” he remarked. In The Same Line. Dinner had finished, and the three men were settled in the smoke-room of the hotel. “Yes,” said the Englishman, “my family Is fairly good. I have traced some of my ancestors and found one that held up Queen Anne’s train.” “Speaking of trains,” put in the second man, “it isn’t so many years ago that my grandfather held up a mail train in Texas.” “Begorrah, and we all seem to be in the hold-up business,” put in Pat, the Irishman. “My father manufactures suspenders.” The Cinderella Bride. McDougal, from Aberdeen, was strolling along Prince’s Street, Edinburgh, when he met a friend, Jock McNeish, who had lived for some time in “the modern Athens.” “Michty me, Sandy, whit are ye daein’ here?” asked Jcck excitedly. “Weel, the fact o’ the maitter is I’ve got married, an’ I’m doon here on ma honeymoon.” “Man, that’s fine. Congratulations. But whaur’s the wife?” Sandy winked appreciatively. “I’ve left her at hame in Aberdeen—she’s seen Edinburgh.” “The Poor Savage.” A Red Indian of considerable culture was engaged to play a part in a Hollywood film. One day while he was in the studio awaiting instructions a film star approached him with the idea of showing a little consideration to “the poor savage.” “Well,” he said kindly, “how do you like our city?” “Very well, thank you,” replied the Red Indian; “how do you like our country?” Price of Victory. One night, in pouring rain, two men who had quarrelled turned out to settle their differences. They fought until one got the other on his back and- held him there. “Will you give up?” he asked, and the reply was “No,” so the man on his back was kept pinned to the ground. After a time the question was repeated, but again the reply was “No.” “Then,” said the other, “will you get on top for a bit and let me get under? I’m getting wet through.” A Light Heavy-weight. A tramp called at a wayside cottage and asked for a little food to help him on his way. “But you’re a big, strong, healthylooking man,” said the cottager. “Why don’t you do some work?” “Well, madam,” said the tramp, with a shrug of his shoulders. “I’ll tell you my trouble. I’m what they call an unhappy medium.” “Unhappy medium!” echoed the other. “What do you mean by that?” “I’m too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work,” was the reply.

A Long TraiL Pat, the Irishman, was more of ft willing worker than an experienced one. One day he applied at the Auckland railway station for a job on the line, but when he told the foreman that he was not a skilled worker the latter found it rather difficult to fit him into employment. At last he was given an oil-can and a scraper, and told to walk down the line, clearing and oiling the points. Pat set off armed v/ith a full can. For several days not a word was heard of the new hand. At last, and when the foreman was beginning to get) rather worried, he received a telegram. It read: “Have reached Frankton. Please send more oil.—Pat.” A Gentle Hint. An employer spent a great deal of money to ensure that his employees should work under the best conditions, and he consequently expected a great output of work. One day he called a meeting of the men and told them exactly how much he had spent on the improvements to the works, and hoped they were alt satisfied. “Further,” he stated, “I want to see every man cheerfully performing hie duty, and therefore I invited you to place any further suggestions in a box provided for this purpose in the foreman’s office.” A week later the box was presented to the employer, who opened it and took out a slip of paper on which was written, “Don’t wear rubber soles.” Heated Words. Farmer Govan was taking a walk through the village when he came upon the vicar, who was looking very depressed. “Sorry to hear about the fire at the vicarage,” said the farmer. “Was there any serious damage?” “Yes, Govan,” replied the vicar sadly, “very serious damage and loss.” “That be bad,” said the farmer, with a touch of sympathy. “Something destroyed that ye cannot replace?” “Ten years’ sermons burnt to a heap of ashes,” was the reply. “My, but that must have been some blaze, sir,” returned the farmer, his memory going back to ten years of weary Sunday mornings. ‘"They was all very dry.” The Other Way Round. Bashem, the boxer, was preparing for the big fight, which was to take place at the town hall that night. “How will I know if you win?” asked his wife anxiously. “Will you ring me up?” “No; you phone the hall in about an hour,” her husband advised. “The manager will tell you the result.” An hour went by. Mrs Bashem anxiously picked up the telephone and called for the town hall. “Hallo,” she asked. “This is Mrs Bashem speaking. How’s my husband?” “0.K.,” came the reassuring reply. Five minutes went by, and she phoned again. “How’s Bashem?” she inquired. “K. 0.,” said the manager. Taking the Chance. Molly had been warned by her mother not to play in the muddy road. For the fourth time the girl had disobeyed, and her mother had brought her back and washed her. “Now, look here, Molly,” she said, “I’ll give you one last chance. If you go out into the road again, I’ll have to put you to bed, and I’ll tell daddy what a naughty girl you have been when he comes back from the office.” The child disappeared, and nothing was heard of her for quite a long time. About ten minutes before her father was due home the little girl appeared at the kitchen door wet and bedraggled. “Mummy,” she remarked, in a tone of cheerful resignation, “I’ve used up my last chance.” Mother: “The idea of your permitting such a thing! Why didn’t you call me when he attempted to kiss you?” Daughter: “Why, mamma, I didn’t know you wanted to be kissed.” The old man’s wife had been ill for some time, and he was asked how she was getting on. “Oh, ma’am,” he replied, sorrowfully, “the doctor don't give us no hope either way.” Diner (in restaurant, after waiting fifteen minutes for soup): “Waiter, have you ever been to the zoo?” Waiter: “No, sir.” “Well, you ought to go. You’d enjoy watching the tortoises whizz past.”

Husband (feeling a twinge in the back while he is tuning in the wireless receiver). “I believe I am getting lumbago.” Wife: “What’s the use, dear? You won’t be able to understand a word they say.”

Greene: “Tell me, what is the difference between an investment and a speculation?” Browne: “Well, if you are unlucky it’s a speculation.”

Teacher (looking over Teddy’s homework) : “I don’t see how it’s possible for a single person to make so many mistakes.” Teddy (proudly): ‘Tt isn’t a single person, teacher. Father helped me.”

Lady (in smoking carriage to the meek little man about to light his pipe): “Sir, do you know that smoking always makes me ill?” Meek littia Man: “In that ca,sc madam, take my advice r.ud t'ive ii up."