Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18512, 8 March 1930, Page 10 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

What She Wanted. Man (discussing holiday resorts)— ' But it has the record sunshine, dear.. ; Maid —Never mind the sunshine, darling. Find the place with the record for longest moonlight nights. Morals. Moritz—Dad, what are morals? Abe—Well, suppose you are in business, and a client pays you £6OO instead of £SOO. It is a matter of morals whether you pay him back half the difference or not. Making Up For It. Sunday morning’s service was over. The vicar was in the vestry counting up the morning’s offertory. At that - moment a member of the congregation burst excitedly in on him. “I’m very sorry, sir, ’ he said, “but I made a mistake and put half-a-crown in the plate instead of a penny this morning.” “But, my dear man,” answered the clergyman, “the gift has been made, and can on no account be returned.” him he passed it on, murmuring “Season.” So the man went away, and for the next 29 weeks when the plate came to As it is Spoke. A paper in India decided to have an English section, and distributed the following notice. “The knews of English we tell the ; latest. Writ in perfectly style and I most earliest. Do a murder commit, ■ v/e hear of and tell it. Do a mighty chief die, we publish it, and in borders sombre. Staff has each one been college. and write like the Kipling and the Dickens. We circle every town and extortionate not for advertisements.” Time to Change Sides. One night, in pouring rain, two men who hqd quarrelled turned out to settle their differences. They fought until one got the other on his back and held him there. “Will you give up?” he asked, and the reply was, “No,” so the man on his back was kept pinned to the ground. After a time the question was repeated, but again the reply was “No.” “Then,” said the other, “will you get on top for a bit and let me get under? I’m getting wet through.” The Very Man Wanted. A soldier in barracks asked for exemption from church parade on the ground that he was an agnostic.. The i sergeant-major assumed an expression lof innocent interest. “Don’t you believe in the Ten Commandments?” he asked mildly. “Not one, sir!” was the reply. “What! Not the rule about keeping the Sabbath?” “No, sir.” The sergeant-major smiled. ‘‘Ah well, you’re the very man I’ve been looking for to scrub out the canteen!” Michael and Patrick. Pat O’Hara and Mike Murphy had taken jobs at a colliery. Pat one morning broke his shovel when he was down in the mine. He was too lazy, however, to take it to the surface with ! him, so he left it for his friend, writing on it in chalk: “Take my shovel up. Mike. I’ve forgotten it!” But friend Michael knew Pat of old and refused to be caught by such an old trick. So he rubbed the message off. and substituted one of his own: “Take it up yourself. I’ve never seen it!” “Bright Young Thing.” The survivor of a recent shipwreck was a guest at dinner one evening and was asked to recount his experiences. He did so, modestly, after pressure, and told how he was in the water for three hours before being picked up. One of the “bright young things” present, who had not been paying attention, thought it was up to her to make some intelligent comment, so she said vivaciously: “Oh, how lovely, I just adore swimming, don’t you?” Doleful Diet. A naval coxswain had run his picket boat into a trawler at anchor. Knowing himself to be in the wrong, he . listened with disciplined patience while the master expressed his views on naval picket boats in language the re- ( verse of polite. The the coxswain pushed off, but passing under the stern of the trawler he looked up at one of the crew leaning over the rail and inquired, casually, “I say, what do you feed your old man on? Acid drops?” I

How He Described Him. Guest (angry at being kept waiting at the station—"So you couldn’t find me, eh? Didn’t your master describe me? Chauffeur—Yes, sir, but there were several bald-headed old buffers. A Raw Recruit. “Whom have we here?” asked the cannibal chief, as a man in a military uniform was brought before him. “He's a raw recruit, your highness/’ was the reply. “Ah! Well, go and cook him.” A Question of Time. “What’s that!” shouted the rich old man his eyes flashing, his countenance the fine purple of a rather over-ripe plum. “You mean to tell me you love my daughter for herself alone?” The young man tried to lay hold of j his rapidly disappearing courage. “Yes, sir,” he stammered at length, “but I think I could c-come to 1-love you t-to, sir, in t-time, sir.” A Late Post. It was the annual camp of the local Territorials, and the bugler was blowing a mournful call. “I say,” said the youthful officer to his batman, “what’s that tune he is playing?” “Why, sir,” answered the man in surprised tones, “it’s the ‘Last Post’.” “Is it?” said the officer. “Just run and see if there are any letters for me.” Very Cheering. A man was showing his fourth wife around the village. They visited the churchyard and paused before an elaborate tombstone which had been erected by the bridegroom. She read the inscription: “Here lie* Susan, beloved wife of Thomas Johnson; also Jane, beloved wife of Thomas Johnson; also Mary, beloved wife of Thomas Johnson.” Leaning forward to see the bottom line she read: “Be Ye Also Ready.” The Way to Do It. Minister (to drunken servant): “John, how is it I find you in this disgraceful state?” John: “I have been delivering the invitations, sir. First one and then another asked me to take a nip, which caused be to be intoxicated.” Minister: “Are there no temperance people in my parish?” John: “Oh, yes, sir; but I posted their invitations.” A Slight Mistake. The succesful candidate had just appeared. A crowd of excited men surged round him, lifted him shoulder high, and jostled him along the street. “Thanks so much, my friends,” said the successful candidate, “but please let me down; I’d much rather walk to my car.” “Car be blowed!” shouted back one of those who bore him onward, “It’s the river you’re going to.” How it Happened. Joe: “Congratulations, George; I hear you made £IO,OOO in three months in an oil speculation in Persia.” George: “That’s not exactly correct. It was in Venezuela, not Persia, and it was a speculation in land, not oil, and it was three years, not three months.” Joe: “No matter; the main thing i 6 that you made £10,000.” George: “Even that’s not quite correct. It wasn’t £10,000; it was £IOOO. And I didn’t make it—l lost it.” The Simple-minded Sentry. An army officer, making his round i one night, passed a sentry unchallenged. He retraced his steps and said sternly, “Look here, my man, you must sing out your challenge or there will be trouble.” The private was a simple-minded soul, and the same officer a few nights later was startled to hear a deep bass voice sing, “Who goes there?** in trum-pet-like tones. Seeing the humour of the situation, he sang back, “Officer, making his rounds.” The private, however, carried off the honours with a brilliant “Fal-de-doo-dle-ido, pass on, friend.” Between Two Fires. “What's the matter with you, old chap?” asked the bonnie bachelor of his much-married friend. “You don’t look very cheerful.” “My children are at a very troublesome age just now,” said the other, passing a weary hand over his brow. “But they've done with teething and measles, haven’t they?” “Yes; but you don't understand the troubles of a married man.” “This: My wife says I mustn’t use slang before the cildren because that’s setting them a very bad example. On the other hand, if I speak correctly, the children put me down as a backnumber.” Peter and His Thirst. “Daddie!” called little Peter, who had just been put to bed, “I want a drink of water!” “Go to sleep!” ordered his father. “But I want a drink of water!” “Well, you can’t have one,” replied his father. “Go to sleep at once!” There was a silence for a few minutes. And then the little boy’s voice was heard once more: “I want a drink of water, daddie!” “If you worry me again I’ll come in and spank you,” threatened the angry parent. There was another pause. And then the voice came again, “Daddie, when you come up to spank me will you please bring me a drink of water?”