Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18500, 22 February 1930, Page 14 (Supplement)

Humour of the Week

Squared. • “What did father say when you told him you were going to take me away from him?” “He seemed to feel his loss keenly at first, but I squared things with a good cigar.” Restrul Intervals. “Good morning, Uncle Joe. Did you sleep well? I’m afraid your bed was j rather hard and uneven, but ’’ i “Oh. it was all right, thank you. I got up now and then during the night and rested a bit, you know.” Admitted. “Well, I have not lived in vain. I saw lino wall acknowledge to-day that he had made a mistake.” “What happened?” “He put the lighted end of his cigarette in his mouth.” Knowledge. Passer-by: “How do you teach your j dog to do su:h clever tricks? Mine : > can’t do a thing.” Small Boy: “I don’t see it’s much use | you trying. You’ve gotter know more j than the dog.” » No Wonder. Two elderly ladies were taking lunch j in a restaurant. i “This rhubarb seems stringy,” com- I I plained one. | “Have you tried eating it With your | I veil up, madam?” politely inquired the : } waiter. The Thinking Woman. | “George, if you buy a motor-car I’ll be able to save a lot of money this j summer.” “How do you make that out?” “Well, you see, if we go to one seaside resort, as formerly, I’ll need seven dresses; but if you buy the car we can go to seven resorts, and I’ll need only one dress.” Saving Time. “Are you still taking a cold dip every | morning?” “No; I stopped doing that to save ! time.” “Why, a cold plunge doesn’t take more than a minute or two.” I “I know; but I used to spend three- , quarters of an hour beforehand in bed hesitating'.” A Long Reach. At the tea table the little son had unfortunately reached across the table : and took a bun. and, naturally, his ! mother sternly reproved him. “Haven’t you a tongue. Willie?” she said. “Yes, mamma.” responded the boy. “Then why don’t you use it?” she continued. "Because my arm is longer.” The Example. A farmer, being elected to the r school ' board, visited the village school and I tested the intelligence of the class by the question:— “Now, boys, can any of you tell me what naething is?” After a moment’s silence a small boy in the back seat rose. . “It’s what you gie’d me the other day for holding yer horse.” 1 . Not, Appendicitis. L While walking along the street, an epileptic dropped in a fit, and was quickly rushed to the hospital. Upon removing his coat, one of the nurses found a piece pinned to the lining, on which was written: “This is to inform the house surgeon that this is just a case of plain fit —not appendi- [ citis. My appendix has already been removed twice.” Quoth the Parrot. ? For a long time the loquacious man ‘ in the barber s shop had made comments on the appearance of a parrot standing on a ledge over a mirror, sayi ing it was the worst stuffed bird he had ever seen. • “Look at its legs!" he scoffed. “No parrot ever had legs like that. It couldn’t stand on them!” “Really?” said the parrot, lazily scratching the side of its head.

Small. Teacher: "Now, children, why waa Hir.kler such a small man?” Wag (at the back of the class) : "Because he came out in a Moth, sir.” What Indeed. Teacher: “Are there any more questions you would like to ask about whales?” Small Girl: “Please, miss, what’s the Prince get to do with them?” The Infantry. Mrs Neighbour—Willie says that if another war broke out, he'd rush off to join the Army.” Mrs Malaprop— But he’s little more than a child. Still, I suppose he could join the infantry." A Natural Mistake. Master —You must certainly keep the house cleaner, Mary. It is full of‘cobwebs. I’ve just taken a big one off the chair in the bedroom and thrown it in the fire. « Mary—Sir, that was madane's' ball dress! What’s in a Name? Young man at fancy dress bah to young lady: “What are you suppos'u to represent, my dear?” Young Lady: “Oh, I’m Joan of Arc, Maid of Orleans.” Young man: “Isn’t that queer; I’m Noahs Ark, made of cardboard.” A Lock of His Hair. Mr. A.: “I presume you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?” Mrs. B.: “Precisely; it is a lock of lmy husband’s hair.” Mr. A.: ‘But your husband is still : alive!” Mrs. B.: “Yes, sir, but his hair is all gone.” Very Surprising. The cocky was showing his new city “pommy” round the farm. Approching the stockyard, the “pom” asked, “What is that?” The cocky replied: “That’s the haystack.” “Bah jove’!’ said the “pom.” ‘Tve heard of them, but I’d no idea they grew in lumps like that!” What He Had Done. One of our younger novelists is en- ! gaged as a master in English at a j school in an industrial area. Recently, I a correspondent informs the London “Morning Post,” an employer was interviewing a boy who had just left school. “Let me see.” said he. “Mr. X . the writer, is a master at your old school, is he not?” “Yessir,” came the ready response, “that’s him what learned me English.” This story is told by the novelist himself. His Speech. The talk had turned on the subject of theatrical first nights, and speeches at the fall of the curtain. “I have had four plays produced.” a playwright exclaimed, “and when I say authors should not make speeches. I • know what I am talking about. But if you must speak, let your speech be as | short as possible. I only once made a speech during those four unforgettable occasions, and it contained four words only.” “What were they?” he was asked. “And boQ to you,” he replied. Too Late. ; Dulcie’s parents h&d ideas on rearing children and tried to carry them out. , One evening as father sat reading and mother sewing. “Oh, mummy,” said Dulcie. suddenly bursting into the room, “may I say something?” “No,” said mother, “you must wait until daddy stops reading.” To impress the lesson on her father continued reading for some time. Then ! he said, “Now, dear, what did you want | to say?” ' “Oh. it doesnt‘ matter now, only I turned the bathroom tap on. and the water is running down the stairs.” ■! She Remembered. Mrs. Wentworth had not been feeling at all well. She decided at last to consult a specialist. “You are just a little run down, madam,” pronounced the great man after making a careful examination. “You need frequent baths and plenty of fresh air. I would also advise you to dress in, the coolest, most comfortable clothing. Remember, nothing formal.” Mrs. Wentworth returned home in high glee. “Well, dear,” asked her husband, “what was the specialist’s opinion?” “He said that I must go to the seaside, do lots of motoring, and get some new summer dresses,” she replied. Faster and Faster. He was up before the Magistrate for causing a breach of the peace. “Did you strike the plaintiff in an excess of temper?” asked the Magistrate. “I am afraid I did,” admitted the culprit cheerfully. “What happened then?” pursued the prosecuting counsel, who wanted to prove that his client had been incapacitated by the blow. “He took to his heels and run, sir.” “You are sure? Did he run away or stagger away? Please be careful.” “He ran right enough, sir. “Well, did he run fast?” "Did he run fast? If he'd had just one feather in his hand he'd have flew, sir.”