Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18382, 28 September 1929, Page 10

Humour of the Week

How Betty Did It. Mother was entertaining company in the drawing room, when Betty clattered noisly down from the nursery. “Go upstairs again, and come down very quietly,” said her mother. A short pause followed, and Betty reappeared, saying, “You didn’t hear me this time, mother, did you?” “No,” replied her mother, “you came down without a sound, as every lady should, Betty.” “Yes,” returned Betty, "I slid down the bannister.” The Upper Hand. “It’s a fine day,” said the barber. “It is,” agreed the little man who was about to be shaved. There was a long silence. The barber tried again. “What party do you favour in the coming election?” he asked. “The same a& yourself,” said the little man. This was too much for the barber. “Look here, sir,” he said, “how on earth do you know what my opinions are?” s.■ . “I don’t,” said the customer, “but you’ve got the razor. The Ideal Married State. He: “I always say that my wife and I have now reached the ideal married state.” Friend: “What do you mean by ‘the ideal married state?’ ” “Well, my wife no longer worries about the shape of my nose, and I no longer worry whether she does or notl” Behind the Veil. Freddie was only four, and he had never seen a woman wear a veil until he went to the seaside. He was playing with his tiny sister when an old lady paused to watch their antics, and Freddie saw his first veil. Both children stopped playing and stared at the old lady, who turned a beaming face towards their mother. “Mummie,” cried the small boy, unable to contain hifnself any longer, “Mummie, how does she get her tea through that wire-netting.” Mistaken Identity. It happened that two men bearing the same name, one a clergyman, the other a business man, both lived in the same city. The clergyman died, and about the same time his neighbour went to Southern California. When the business man arrived there, he sent his wife a telegram informing her of his safe journey* but, unfortunately, it was delivered to the widow of the late preacher. What was the surprise of the good woman to read, ‘“Arrived safely—heat terrific.” An Unkindly Welcome. A doctor took it into his head to go rabbit shooting, and started out bright and early on a beautiful morning fully armed for game. . . About 4 o’clock in the afternoon he returned tired out r and empty-handed, telling his wife he hadn’t killed a thing, whereupon she remarked triumphantly : “If you had stayed at home and attended to your legitimate business you might have been more successful.” Take a Bit Wid Ye. A man had invited a business acquaintance to play a round of golf with him. The guest, who was a very pompous individual, was also a poor player, and hacked up the turf with each stroke. After he had carried away an unusually generous portion with his iron, he turned to his host and said: “You know, I don’t care particularly for the game, but I like the glorious open country hereabouts.” “Ah, quite,” replied the other, as he surveyed the scarred ground, ‘“but do you mind closing up the open country as we go along?” Breaking It Gently. Little Joyce had just got over a spell Of crying that her mother know nothing about. As the day wore on she became her usual cheery self. "Mummie,” she cried joyfully, “do you know what I am going to give you for your birthday?” “No, darling,” answered the other. “I am getting you a nice new butter dish,” said the little girl. “That will be lovely. But mamma's got one already, Joyce.” “Oh, no, you haven’t, mummie! You used to have one, but I broke it this morning!”

Hardly to be Expected. They were looking over a house ttM agent had warmly recommended. It was in rather poor condition, and one .room appeared to be particularly dilapidated. “But, look man,” cried the prospective tenant. “We couldn’t live in a place like this! Why, there’s actually moss growing on that damp wall.” The house agent flushed. “My dear sir,” he retorted indignantly, “at the rental I’m asking, you surely don’t expect orchids, do you?” Not Worth It. He was an old actor in a moth-eaten overcoat with a fur collar, and, looking in at the box-office of a certain theatre, asked if he could see the show. As it happened, the theatre was by no means full, and after the somewhat grubby visiting-card had been looked at, the old actor was allowed in free. But at the end of the first act he appeared once more agan at the boxoffice window. “Here,” he growled. ‘T can’t stand any more of this show. Gimme me card back." A Lesson to Him. An employee of a large and flourishing business concern was given a paper to sign which he regarded somewhat dubiously. “There is,” agreed the clerk who had given him the paper. “But I’ll bet you didn’t read your marriage licence am carefully as your reading that.” “P’r’aps not,” said the other. “Bui ever since I signed that I’ve been reading everything.” Too Late For Supper. By some misunderstanding a country clergyman was elected to a sporting club where night was turned into day. One day he went to London, went to the club, and retired fairly early. At eight o’clock the next morning he made his way into the coffee-room and saw sleepy servants clearing the tables. He was a little surprised for he had not thought that clubmen breakfasted so early. A waiter came to him, and he ordered coffee and eggs and bacon. “Beg pardon, sir,” the man said, respectfully, “but we won’t serve suppers after seven.” The Timid Wooer. It was raining—it had been raining for hours.. Yet the young* man remained loafing round the garden gate, heedless of his dripping clothes. At last a middle-aged woman came to the door and indignantly demanded to know what he wanted. “I—l’ve come a-courtin’ your daughter,” replied the young man sheepishly, with wild hopes that he would be asked inside. “Courtin’ Lizzie—eh?” said the woman. “Then you’d better run away and lose yourself. My Lizzie ain’t going to marry a man who ain’t got the pluck to knock at the door and ask for her. Why, when her father came after me and found the door locked he climbed the back wall, strangled the bulldog, and knocked the old man down. Then he grabbed hold of my hand and pushed on the ring and told me the banns were to be called the next Sunday. That’s the sort of husband I want for my girl—not a shivering idiot who ain’t got enough sense to come in out of the rain!” Not the Only One! “With the single stroke of a brush,’* said the school teacher, taking his class round the National Gallery, “Joshua Reynolds could change a smiling face to a frowning one.” “So can my mother,” said a small .boy. It Was Worth It. Bobby Brown wanted a pony, and he had seen the pony in a near-by meadow. “What would happen if I stole that pony?” he asked his father. “You would get six months in prison,” was the reply. Bobby thought awhile and then said: “You wouldn't forget to feed it while I was away, would you,* father?” The Evidence. "Good morning, Farmer Moggs,” said I the butcher to a customer. “How are you?” “Quite well, thanks,” responded the farmer. “Wife and family quite well?” “Yes, quite well.” “Well, then,” continued the butcher. "I know now that the leg of mutton you had and never paid for, and said was bad, must have been good.” The Same Thing. A dismal and slightly-battered figure emerged from the Police Court. “ ’Elio, Bill, said a bystander. “You look fed-up.” “No wonder,” responded Bill. “Llf® ain’t ’arf ’ard, it ain’t.” “Wodyer mean?” “Well, thing o’ this. Tunney gats two 'undred thousand quid, and I’m fined thirty bob for doing the same thing.” Why Worrry. A rather nervous man was going down a coal-mine for the first time. As the cage descended he noticed how dependent they were upon a single rope to which it was attached. “Do you think it's quite sale?” he asked the miner guide as he glanced at the rope. “Safe as the bank, sir,” returned the miner cheerfully. “Don’t you worry. These ropes are guaranteed to last exactly twelve months, and this ain* due to be renewed till to-mocanb”