Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 18352, 24 August 1929, Page 12

Humour of the Week

Quite True. A key turned in the latch and the maid knew her mistress had returned. “Did anyone call when I was out?” asked her employer, taking off her hat. “Yes, ma’am. Mrs. Robbins came round about three o’clock, ma’am.” And the maid picked up the hat and coat. “One minute, Mary—was she disappointed when you said I was out?” "Well, she did look a bit queer,” was the reply. “But I told ’er she needn’t take on about it, ’cause it really was true this time.” . Didn’t Suit Delia. Dora had suddenly encountered her old friend Delia on returning from a short holiday. After discussing the latter topic she seized her friend’s arm. “Delia, is it true—l heard you- had given up Reggie?” “Yes,” replied the other, “quite true, I have. He's so dreadfully mean, you know.” “Mean?” “Yes. The other day I told him how much .1 adored flowers, and he went out and brought me back a packet of seeds and told me to grow son'* for myself.” ! Perhaps She Would. For a child of only five years, Freda possessed an enormous appetite. Consequently, when her little playmate invited her to tea Freda’s mother impressed on her daughter the fact that she must eat very sparingly. Tea was very nearly over when Freda’s hostess, noticing the little girl’s eyes, said: “Well, won’t you have another meringue, dear?” Freda was between the devil and the deep sea. “Um,” she replied, remembering her promise not to always answer “Yes,

please.” “Well, the idea isn’t exactly repugnant to me.” Motive. It was his first case, and only naturally the young barrister was rather excited and very proud of himself as he stood up in the court. “Now,” he turned to address the defendant, “you tell me you came to town to look for work.” “Yes, sir. v “I put it to you that there was another reason, a stronger motive that brought you all this distance.” “Well, er,” hesitated the defendant, “there was ” “Ah!” cried the triumphant young man. “And what was it?” “A locomotive, sir.” Waiting for Orders. “Taxi!” cried the big. burly man, and as a vehicle drew up alongside he threw himself in on the cushions. “Drive, man!” he urged. “Drive like fury!” The taxi sped away. They turned several corners in order to avoid traffic policemen, and doing so escaped collisions by inches. After ten minutes of this the passenger put his head out of the window. “Where the duce are you going?” he asked the driver. “Don’t know, sir.” was the nonchalant reply. “You haven’t suggested anywhere yet.” The Safety-Strap. The new recruit had been drafted into a cavalry regiment and was making his first visit to the riding-school in charge of a harsh-voiced instructor. “ ’Ere’s yer ’orse,” began the latter “Be careful ’ow yer speak to ’im, ’cos ’e’s fussy.” The newcomer advanced and took the bridle gingerly, examining his mount with great care. “What’s this for?” he asked, pointing to the girth-strap. “Oh, well,” explained the other, “all our ’orses ’as a keen sense o’ ’umour, and as they sometimes ’as fits of laughter when they sees recruits, we puts them bands round ’em to keep ’em from splittin’ their sides.' Too Late Now. With an air of great determination the woman walked into the photographer’s studio. “Good morning, madam, what can I have the pleasure of—” “These photos of my husband,” began the woman, banging a packet down on the table. “They’re simply disgraceful. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Why, he looks just like an ape!” The cameraman's pride was wounded. “Indeed,” he repied icily; “but you shoud have thought of that before you married him.” In No Hurry. A general cargo was being loaded into a vessel the captain of which made a hobby of working himself into a apoplectic fit as sailing time drew near. A piano had to be shipped, and it had reached the bottom of the hold when the chief mate ordered the man in charge of the winch to “Heave up.” The captain got excited. “Do you want to be in this darn place all day?” he roared. “No,” replied the mate, “but there's a man under the piano, and I thought he might like it lifted off him.” Johnny, just fourteen years of age, applied for a grocery job. The grocer wanted a serious-minded youth, so he put Johnny to the test. “Well, my bey, what would you do with a thous- ( and pounds?” “I don’t know, sir." answered johnny: wasn’t expecting so much at the start.”

CrueL Johnson never dared ask anyone to his home. His wife was unpopular with visitors. “Aren’t you going to ask your friend Tompkins and his fiancee to our home?” she asked one evening. “Not much!” replied the husband, at restaurants. who preferred to entertain his friends “You dislike him, don’t you?” was Mrs. Johnson’s next query. “A little,” answered the husband, “but not enough for that.” Fearless. Every club has its special bore. At the Maryland he was an explorer. He usually finished his stories by saying he never saw a lion he feared. One evening one of his audience said: “Well, I have often thrown myself down and slept among lions in their wild natural state.” "I can’t believe that,” said the bore. "It’s the truth.” affirmed the other. “Were they African lions?” “Well, no, er, I suppose not. Not exactly African lions, but they were dandelions.” Very Much In. Hardup was a very bad payer, as the bill collector knew well, and so it waa t with little hope that he knocked at the door one bright and sunny morning. “Mr. Hardup In?” he asked the woman who answered the knock. “Yes, he’s in, right enough,” replied the other in an odd voice. “Can I see him?” The woman shook her head ly“No, you can’t.” “But why can’t L if he'a in?” “Well, he’s properly in this time," explained the other. “And he wont be out for six months.” Kind Old Lady: “I suppose when you grow up you want to do something for humanity.” Tiny Tot: "Yes, I want to be a bad example.” Hardy: “Are you going to have detectives watch your daughter’s wedding presents?” Willis: “No; the instalment men will see to that.” Young Man: “I’m thinking of going into business for myself, teaching modem dancing.” Old Man: “I wouldn’t do it. It’s a shaky business * “Are rosy cheeks a sign of good health?” "I should say they are." “Well, I saw a girl the other day who was a lot healthier on one side than, the other.” Heavy Stranger (returning to his seat after interval): “Did I tread on your toes as I went out?” Seated Man (grimly): “You did, sir.” Heavy Stranger (to wife): “That’s right, Matilda: this is our place.” The elderly stockbroker, was ill, and called in the doctor. After his examination the medical man said, “How old are you?” “Seventy-five.” “Well, my dear sir, just go slow and you’ll go up to par yet.” It was at Ascot that a tipster approached a prosperous-looking lady saying. “Madam, for a trifle I can give you the winner of the Gold Cup.” “It’s very kind of you, I’m sure,” replied the lady, “but we keep a car* thank you.” The candidate for Parliament honours nodded amicably to a passerby whom he thought he had seen before. “Excuse me, sir,” responded the man, “but I think I’ve seen your likeness in the papers. What was it you wero cured of?” At the opening of the new municipal offices the builder, a rough but effic-ient-looking gentleman, was called upon to say a few words. “Mr. Mayor, ladies and gents,” he said. ‘Tm not cut out for this public speaking. My proper place is on the scaffold.” A member of a club always closed eyes when he drank whisky. This puzzled his fellow members exceedingly, at last one of them asked the reason. “Well,” was the reply, “I am so fond of whisky that the mere sight of it makes my mouth water. And I never could bear it diluted.” A scepe-shifter in a well-known London theatre asked his boss if he might have three days off to get married. “But,” protested the manager, “you’re just had a fortnight off. Why didn't you get married then?" “What!” exclaimed the intending husband, “and spoil me blinking ’olldays!" A visitor at a hotel in a fishing village gave birth to an infant. The proud mother was anxious to have the child weighed, but the only scales were those used by the proprietor of the hotel to weigh the fishing catches of his guests. When the baby was weighed the scales registered 481 b.! Cheapjack (on racecourse) : “Hers you are. gents. A genuine leather purse to hold your winnings, safety razor, and a pair of cuff links, all for a bob! Who’s a buyer?” Voice from the Crowd: “Say, mate, couldn't you throw in a racehorse, too?” Cheapjack: “TO do more than that; TO throw in a stud.” A newspaper reporter was sent to a fashionable dance for “copy.” He described one of the dancers, a woman of exceptional stature, as possessing a form “that Juno might envy.” The next morning, however, he was horrified to read in the paper that the woman possessed a form “that Jumbo might envy.”