Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXV, Issue 17773, 8 October 1927, Page 14

Humour of the Week

Cornered. Alice : T told Hide the truth._ Virginia : Then what’s worrying you. Alice: “Now 1 gotta he out of it!’’ Sabbath Observance. Mother: I don’t think, darling, that you should play cards on Sunday. Harold: Hut, Mummy, we’re not playing properly, we’re only cheating. Tit for Tut. She: Terribly sorry to be so late— Ho: Oh, that's all right. But I say —will you hang on here for B) minutes ? 1 think I'd better go and have another shave. Safety. New Visitor: Has ibis boarding house any special advantages: Older Visitm : Ves. i"" d find r quite safe to bathe directly after a meal ! Souvenir. His Now Fiancee : How can I make sure you won’t forget about our engagement when you get back to the city ? He : Veil dear, you might —er —let me take along the ring as a constant reminder. Retrospection. A small boy was seen sitting moodily’ on the front porch of his home. “What makes you so downcast?” a friendly neighbour inquired. “Well,” said the boy, “if I liad it to do over again 1 wouldn’t eat up sister’s lipstick—even for spite.”

He Knew. “My wife would make a good Congressman.” “What makes you think so?” “She's always introducing bills into ihe house.” Second Thoughts. Mother: “Robert, you’re a naughty boy. You can just go to bed without your supper.” Bobby: “Well, mother, wliab about that medicine I've got to take alter meals ?” A Good One. “Hello, is that the pawnbroker’s?” “Yes, sir.” “What time is it, please"’’ “1 am not here to tell you the time.” “But, sir, it’s you who have my watch.” The Habit. “Your dog is frightful, he stops still in front of every shop window.” “Well, you see he always goes out with my wife.” To Real. “Why did your husband lose his job in the movie company,” Marjorie Clarke asked a friend. “Because he was told to throw the dummy over a cliff and he threw the director,” she replied. The Difference. First College President: “What is the dilierence between 'a beautiful and a dumb stenographer?” Second College President: “You can fire the dumb one.” A Parasite. Willie—Pa, what is a parasite? His Pa —A parasite, son, is a man who walks through a revolving door without doing Ins share of pushing. The Wrong One. Agatha—Did Ella dare to find fault with her young daughter for arriving i home with the milkman? Harriett — I No. .She scolded the milkman for coming so late.

Driver's License. Officer: “What do you mean by going sixty miles an hour through this town?” Husband, "Why, you —!! —!! —! Wifu (helpfully): “Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He s intoxicated,” An Example. “We borrow our numerals from the Arabs, and our calendar Irom the Romans. (km anyone think of another example?” asked the teacher. “Our lawn mower irom tlm .Jones ami our baby carriage from the Drowns,'’ answered Willie. ao Advice Needed. It was in one of our less sedate clubs that a member inadvertently slipped into a state of intoxication the other afternoon and. in his bewilderment, sought one of his fellows. t ••Charles.'’ he said, "it's foul o'clock and I’m tight. What shall I do?” “If | were you, old man.” was the sympathetic: repiy, “Pel call a cab and go home.” 'ihe unsteady one gathered his dig•tv. “Sir,” he said, “when J. want I ,:r advice I’ll ask for it.” The Hitter End. A party was paying a visit to East melon, and for one of their number ./he endless row of buckets in a dred- • er at the clocks .seemed to have a great fascination. V> bile tno others went otf to enjoy themselves this men kept his gaze fixed firmly on the u V Iger Several hours later Ins Iriemls found him at the same spnt.W hen they told him the train would leave without him if he did not hurry, ho exclaimed: “T don’t care; I've counted 1 1 and T mem to see the last bucket n f sta,/ all eight!”

“When in Russia—” “What did you do in Russia?” “Oh, bombed around with some Reds!” His Opinion. Vocal Student: “How do you like my Voice ?” Professor: “Vel. I play on ze white keys and I play on ze black keys, but you slug in ze cracks.” Wide Awake. Wife :“I think I hear burglars, are you awake?” Husband : “No.” A Hot Dog. Little boy: 800-boo, I lost my dog. Kind old lady: Well, well, that’s too bad. What kind of a dog was it? Little Boy : A hot dog. Doctor’s Advice. Lady: What caused you to became a tramp. Tramp : The family doctor, mum. He advised me to take long walks after meals, and I’ve been walking alter ’em ever since. What He Wanted. Mother: “Why is baby crying?” Nures (in next room) : “He wants —” “Mother: “Well, give hint what he wants.” The baby howls louder. Mother “Why didn’t you give him what lie wanted?” Nurse: “I did. It was a wasp!” Mad About It. “Hear about the Scotchman who went insane?” “No, what was the matter?’” “Ho bought a score curd at a football match and neither team scored.” A Change of Air.

M‘Andrew: Hooray! The wind has changed. Convalescent AY ife :AY ell, moil, what of it? APAndrew : Ye ken the doctor said ye needed a change of air.

The Soft Pedal. Bill: I fell on the piano last night. Tom : Did vou get hurt ? Bill: No, I fell on the soft pedal. “Like a Fish.” “Mr Squire, please drink your tea. I’m awfully anxious to see you drink it,” said little Bertha. ' . , “And what makes you so anxious to see me drink it?” Air'Squire asked “Mother said you drank like a fish. ■ Keep Moving. Captain : If anything moves, slioot_. Sentry: Yossah, an’ if anything shoots, ah moves. Protection. AY r caltliy Father: “I am sorry, but I can’t give niv consent to your niamago with my daughter.” Impecunious Lover : On, dash it all . then at least let me out by the side door. . . you sec, all my creditors are waiting in front.” No AYonder. Barber: Your liair is getting grey, sir. Professor, Yes, yes, please hurry iip; I’m nob surprised.

Cool. First Burglar: “I think we have got everything. Me haven’t overlooked anything, have we, Mike?” , Second Burglar: “I don’t think so, but we’ll get a newspaper in the morning and see.” Very Clever. “Sav, is your dog clever?” “Clever! I should say so ; When 1 say, ‘Are you coming or aren’t you. he comes or he doesn t. Poetic Justice. This is only a story of poetic justice. The other day in the subway at the 'Times Square Station we saw a subway yiKU'd bang a door in a traffic policemail's lace. The Reason. Fortune Teller: Aon are about to be discovered by a moving-picture director and elevated to stardom. . Flapper: But ihat’s the same tiling vou told inv friend Rosa. Fortune Teller : 1 can’t help it . Lhe young ladies won’t hoar of anything else nowadays. Worse Stilß “I'm happy and all that, of course, old chap: stifl, i wish my wife wouldnt calk so much about her last husband. “Forget it —mine's always talking about her next.” Vulgarity. Customer: A quarter of a pound ot Sarah Ammoniac, please. Chemist : Vou mean sal ammoniac. “Yes. I believe it is sometimes vulgarly called that. ’ “Want a Test?” “Air Druggist, is this lipstick lassproof?” , , “Yes, miss. Will yen have a. test. . Intercepted. She tripped along with iairv feet, * A vision that mv heart beguiled. Bewitching, fragile, roguish, sweet, \ud as she came she smiled. We met. . . Alas, the usual tall O'ortook my pride, the dull and blind, Her smile was not for me at all, Rut some one else behind!

Poor Uncle*! Auntie (arriving on beach) : M eli, my dears, looking for pretty pebbles. Nephew: No, we’ve forgotten where wo’vo buried Uncle. •me ’.cue.American.” American Hallucinations: They think what thov talk is English and what they drink is Scotch. Wrong Place. Conductor of Orchestra : 1 don’t know v.'hat’s the matter with the ’cellos toui.'hi. You seem to be quite lost. Leader of ’Colins : I’m sorry, sir, I ni afraid we are all at feoa. Conductor: That’s just it. \ou ought to have been at B flat! Overstudy. Sandy Junior: Yc promised to gie me saxpeiice if 1 was top boy at school. V • > been top boy for two weeks run"'saiidv Senior (reluctantly: Well, here’s a shilling, but yc must give up studying so hard —it s not good foi ye. A Touching flight. An old labourer who had not left his own district for very many years one day made a trip to the nearest I own. There, lor the first tune in his life, ho saw a schoolgirl going through ■rvmnastic exercises for the amusement of the little ones at home. After gazing at her with interest and compassion for some tune lie asked a boy who was standing near if she had fits. “No.” the hoy replied. “lliems gymnastics.” '“Ah, how sad!” said the mail, . How long has she had ’em?”