IN PERSPECTIVE.

Timaru Herald, Volume XCVIII, Issue 18084, 2 June 1923, Page 8

IN PERSPECTIVE.

(By Peter Pounce.)

A husband aud wife served on tho same jury in Minnesota. The jury disagreed. t> * * A common interest would keep the nations at peace, and even common honesty would be a great help. * * • CLEVER! A motor-bus waltzed into a Queen V ictoria Street shop front in London, and on the wood planks which temporarily took the place of the plate glass the proprietor pasted the following notice: We do not sell omnibuses. The one that was in this window the other night wits not for sale. And then follows a list of the goods that can be bought there, as attractively set out as though they were still in the window. That’s the l spirit 1 * * * THAT WAIST! These changing'fashions quite ignore The nervous lover’s lot: Each alteration leaves him more Unlit to know what’s what. In making love, as I’ve been told, His arm should be so placed As accurately to enfold (Or clasp) the lady’s waist. But mark the poor man, tortured now With .dire perplexities 1 How can he clasp her waist, for how ‘ Should he know where it is? * * * SO THERE! A clergyman’s play. “The Judgment of Pilate” had a very good reception at its first performance at Portsmouth. As, however, the audience was largely composed of clergymen, it follows that their verdict was merely the judgment of sky pilots. , * • »

FOR THE UGLY DUCKLINGS: The present craze in Paris is far undeniably ugly women. They say that merely pretty ones don’t count. Tho merely pretty ones retort that they don’t have to. Pretty girls are - proverbially weak in arithmetic—although they are quite good at figures. * * *

BE NUMBERRS: In order to fit them for civilian hie ex-soldiers should be taught gardening by Army instructors. I simply long to see a sergeant-major trying to make a row of carrots dress by the right. I have not yet been able to secure a copy of the new drill boot, which has no doubt been issued, but it is sure to be on these lines: To Plant a Potato by Numbers : At the word “One”’ (“dibbers —■ seize”), grasp tho dibber in the right hand, palm pressed firmly on the handle, thumb and forefinger meeting beneath, wrist' slightly arched. At the word “Two” (“dibbers — shove”), press the point of the weapon firmly into the earth, at the . same time imparting to it a rotatory (not potatory) motion from left to right. At the word “Three” (“dibbers—pull”), withdraw tho weapon slowly and steadily, reversing the rotatory motion, and spring smartly to attention, taking the time from the left-

| hand man. At the word “Four” (“murphies —grip”), bend smartly, heels together, knees out, seize potato with . the left hand and spring smartly to attention, again taking the time from the left. At the word “Five” (“eyes-right”) alter the position of the potato in the left hand so that its most prominent eyes are at the Upper end of is convex surface, at the same time imparting friction with the palm of the hand to the sides and other end of the potato in order to remove all unnecessary eyes. At the word “Six” (“murphies—drop”), bend smartly as before, drop the potato in the hole made by the withdrawal of the dibber, and spring sharply to attention. The front rank will then be advanced one pace, leaving the rear rank to fill in the holes and obliterate as far as possible the ravages made by their comrades. «■ 9 ® Weeding Exercise. The campaign against weeds will be of a much more frightful nature. Recruits will be armed with a hoe, and will be instructed, as in bayonet exercise, to lend the eye a terrible aspect, let it pry through the portage of the head like the brass cannon, let the brow o’erwhelm it as fearfully as doth—but I have run off the rails into that other little affair in 1415. It is enough to say that the recruit must learn to make hideous faces, supposed to be symptomatic of ungovernable rage. Then at the word “At the left hand thistle—hack” lie will emit a ferocious yell, whirl his hoe above bis head, charge at his objective and bring his weapon down upon it with all his force. For thepurposes of this exercise the officer in command is recommended to see that the recruits are in very extended order.

THE NEW POOR! This is a conversation I heard outside a shop displaying men’s wear at sale prices: Trimlv-clacl woman to man (evidently her husband): “Look, dear! Those pants are cheap.” The man: “Yes, and look—there are undervests, too.” The woman (quickly) : “But, my dear, you don’t want those; you’ve got an undervest.” # * * GEE! Until you recollect that in the American language a “waist” means a blouse, you will have - some difficulty in understanding the following line from an American novel: “Her waist was cut low in the neck.” Here is some more American: In Chicago a fellow called Young With a gesture of peevishness, flung His wife Geraldine In the chopping-machine; Then canned her, and labelled her “Tongue.”