WIT & HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume CVI, Issue 16298, 28 July 1917, Page 2

WIT & HUMOUR.

FATED. "I think I'll marry Carry, S'he seems my proper mate, . Though 1 ain iond ot Mary, . And much admii'e Kate. ; Bettiria's smile is winning, .. - Flo's ways are a delight, • And Lucy keeps me grinning, Ancl Mabel's eyes are bright. I find I'm drawn to Nancy, And Grace is dear to me, And Gertrude strikes my fancy— Bub Garry it must be. - 'Twas meant for us to marry; The fates have willed it so. • T d rather quarrel, with .Cany .Than any girl I know. —Walter G. Doty THE DIAGNOSIS.

'The learned specialists discussed ■ The patient eagerly. "His heart, I'm sure," said Dr. Cutts, And pulled his grey goatee. "His lungs, I know,'' said Dr. Pill, And spoke defiantly. "You're wrong—his head," said Dr. :. ■. Nerve, , .■ ■ And nodded emphatically. - But the devil, listening, only grinned, For he knew quite well; you see, i Tliat death, was the sole , diagnosis I.Upon: which they'd all agtee. —Jeannette Phillips. TWO OHOATE STORIES. Joseph, Hi Choatej the American exAihbtiissador -to Britain who died a few : \veeks ago," was famous for his wit and gallantry. "The ladies had been allowed to sit in ■ the gallery a.t a . notable London banqnet at • which Mr Ohoate spoke soon after his' arrival. He won his i>lace at oncg AVhen lie: rose to speak; Looking ,at the faces above he exclaimed: "Now I know what Scripture means when it is written: "Thou mad est tfian a little lower than the angels." . Bub among all his gallant remarks that one which is most often repeated stands first When asked who he would rather he if he could not he Joseph H. Clidate, he replied, "Mrs Choate's | second husband." 1 i REASON ENOUGH She considered it her duty to correct Tommy very lrequently. Sometimes she let acts pass, but even with that margin there still remttiiied,: so many occasions for the correction: -of Tommy that she was get tit g pretty tired of dding it. i ' v "Tommy,", she said v;earily, "why do you scratch yohr head?" - "Because nobody else knows just where it "itches," said the little boy.

A MILD REQUEST. A glue factory stands near a certain railway ; . Its charms, are not for thenose, and therefore, a lady often carried with her a bottle of lavender salts. One mornihg an old farmer: took- the seat; beside her. As the train 11 eared the factory the lady opened lier bottle :of salts; Soon the whole car was filled with the horrible odour. The .-farmer: pht up with-it. as long as lie could, then shouted,' 1 'Madam, ;: would you mindi the cork-in that 'ere bottle;?" • TEWERATURTD A Scottish doctor who was attending a laii'd had instructed the butler of the house in the art of taking and record-ing.-his .master's temperature with a thermometer. On paying lu's usual morning call ,he was met by the butler, to: whom he said: "Well, John, I hope the laird's temperature is not any higher to-day?" ■ The man looked puzzled, for. a minute, and then replied: "Weel,-1 -wa.s just wonderin'. that mysel'. -Ye see, he deed at twal-o'clock." DEFICIENCY MADE UP. . In times of: peace Smith might have been an author who had: drifted into some useful occupation, silck as that of a blacksmith, hut just now lie is cook to the Blanlcshire officer's messj Smith sent Murphy into the village to bring home some chickens ordered for the mess. "Murphy," said Smith the next day, "'when you fetch me chickens again see that they l are fastened up properly. That lot you fetched yesterday .all got loose, and though I scoured the village I only managed to sectii-o ten of them." "Sh!"- said Murphy. ''l only brought six."

THE OLD HO}ETC WAY. Miss Beft.uby Chorus ■ (.returning to heir native village, Mid ailxious to impress lier fiance): "I say, isn't.it pos* sible to get a taxi or something for all: our luggage in this one-eyed old place ?" Porter: ••'•'You'll' -no need ane, Maggie. Yer father's just comm.' doon the brae wi' his.wheelbarrow;" •„•. ••-. A POSER. "Dad," began tne soil of a physician tile other something." The doctor laid down his paper and said: 'J-'Whab 'do you want to knowj niy son?" ' . " Which has more legs, one pig or no pig?" The father frowned and picked up bis paper again. "1 didn't know yon wanted to ask me a. Silly question of that kind," lie saitlj irritably. ■■One pig, of course." "No, he liasli't" the youngster chuckled. "A pig has four legs, and no pig has six legs. : See?" FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the following among his directions to mothers "Whan the baby is done drinking it. must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under the hydrant. Jf the baby does not thrive on fresh milk it should be boiled." THAT TIRED REELING. Spring—Why do you look so pailied? Fever —I'm lazy: Spring—What's that got to do with it? Fever —I'm sitting on my cigarette. "In my time," declared sxatidtun. "girli were more modest." "I know," said the flippant ffiii'l. "It was a fad once. We may get hack to it." Manager—What makes you think lie's a. German? Waiter—Well sir, ! e's registered as a. Scotsman —lint 'e ain't touched the whisky I took 'im a. quarter of an hour ago. "Ma, what is meant hy the progressive party " "The progressive party, my dear? Why, that's where all the partners change after every game." Precocious Offspring—Pa, may I ask just one more question? Patient Pater -—Yes, my sou. Just one more. Precocious Offspring —Well, then, pa, how is it that while the night falls, it's the day that breaks? "Your daughter's music is improving," said the processor, "but when she plays the scales I have to watch her pretty closely." "Just like her father ; " said Mrs Nuriteh. "He made his money iu the grocery business."

"Now, then, children,'' said the teacher, who had been commenting upon polar expeditions, "'who can ten me what fierce animals inhabit tiie regions of tiio N-orth Pole?" ."Polecats," shouted the boy at the foot ol' the class. ■ The Lady of the House —I think you will not find me difficult to suit, Maris. The New Maid —i am sure not, ma'am. I saw your husband as I came in., Pa —I greatly disapprove -of that j oung Smithson, and one particular reason is his lack o'? interest in his calling. Daughter—His calling. Why, papa, he calls seven evenings , in the week. "That parrot I bought uses violent language." "Lady," replied the dealer, "I won't deny that he does swear some'.' .{But you must give him credit for the fact that • he doesn't drink or gamble." ' Avfinancial . genius ;is a man .wlio can spill a .oup of' on another man's light -' trousers,' ■-,■■■ and then make that fellow pay for the cup of coffee.