WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume CIII, Issue 15742, 28 August 1915, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

THE MODERN FARMER. I remember, I remember, The house where I was born; The little window where the sun. Came peeping in at morn. - You'd hardly know the old place now, For dad is up to date, And the farm is scientific From the back lot to the gate. , The house and barn are lighted With bright acetylene. The engine in the laundry . Is run by gasoline. ' We. have silos, we have autos, "We have dynamos and things; A telephone for gossip, And a phonograph that sings. The hired man has left üb, We miss his homely face; A lot of college graduates Are working in his place. There's an engineer and fireman, A chauffeur and a vet., 'Lectrieian and mechanic— Oh, the farm's run right, you bet.The little window where the sun Came peeping in at morn, Now brightens up a bathroom That cost a car of corn. Out- milkmaid is pneumatic And she's sanitary, too; But dad gets fifteen cents, a quart For milk that once brought two. Our cattle came from Jersey, And the hogs are all Duroe; The sheep are Southdown beauties And the hens are Plymouth Rock. To have the best of everything— That is our aim and plan— For dad not only farms it, But he's a business man. —Canadian Paper.

Mrs Homespun—This paper says a wife in Formosa costs five dollars. Mr Homespun—Well, a good wife is worth it. She—Suffered? I thought I never should live to tell the tale. He—For a woman that must have been sufferintr, indeed. Miss Vine—Do you favour women, proposing? Mrs Oaks—Certainly not. When a woman picks out a man sho should make him propose. ' Master—Norah seems quite gone on that letter-carrier! Mistress—Gone! Why, she actually mails a postcard to herself every night, so he'll be sura to call at the house next morning. "What do you think? A man brought back the umbrella he took from our hall stand!"—"H'm! It speaks well for the honesty of the man, but it's a terrible slight to the umbrella." Dewittr—What is the sense of that rule forbidding an athlete to sell his prizes? Winks —They are afraid somo fellow might find out how much liis £2O gold watch really cost. "What," queried the unsophisticated youth, yis the best way to find out what a woman thinks of you?"— "Marry her," replied the Shelbyville sage; "then wait a few days." "It must be great to be a man! One dress suit lasts you for years and years, and a worn a n must have a new gown for every party."—"That's why on 9 dress suit lasts a man for years and years." "These South Sea Islanders are i queer lot. They have many thing! which are taboo, mustn't be touched. 1 ' —"I see nothing strange about that. It is the same principle on which., we carefully plant a lot of grass for people to keep off of." "I want you to be nice to thcTGreens to-night."—"Now, why do you insist on that? You know I have no use for either of them."—"l know, but I've just looked over the guests at this party, and tho Greens are the only people here who own a car who go homo our way." Bill —Were you at the Prohibition meeting? Jill—Yes; I was. Bill — What in the world do you want to listen to those fellows for? Jill—lt's cheaper. Bill—Cheaper? Jill—Why, yes; their statements • didn't cost mo anything, and they made me stagger. "Sometimes I think," remarked the timid young man in the parlour scene, " that if I—cr—had money I would—er—get married."—"Well," suggested the dear girl who was occupying tho other end of tho sofa, "why don't you try and —er —borrow some?" Donald, tho boatman, had been taking tho minister, a total abstainer, out fishing, and was asked on his return if he'd had a good day. "Na, na," returned Donald. "The mean-speerited body had nae vvhisky, sae I took him v.haur there wis nae fish."

.At a certain caucus the only attendants ivere Smith, and a citizen of very largo stature. Mr Smitli had somu resolutions to pass which began by representing that they were presented to a "large and respectable" gathering of voters. "Hold on." cried' the other man, "we can't pass that, for it aint true! It aint a large and respectable caucus! There's only two of us." "You keep still," commanded Smith, "it's all right, for you are large and Jam respectable. You just keep still."

Roso had called on her afternoon out to see her friend, Arabella. Arabella's mistress had just purchased » parrot, and Hose was much interested in the bird. "Birds is shore sensible, she observed. "You kin learn them anything. I lister work for a lady that had a. bird in a clock, an' when it was time to tell de- time ob day it ustef come out an' say 'cuckoo' just a< many times as do time was," —"Gd along. Yo' doau' say so," said Arabella... incredulously. "Shore thing," replied Rose, "and de mos' wonderful part was dat it wuz only a wooden bird, too. - ' Thomas A. Edison once said to a reporter, "apropos of deafness: "Deafness, lias its advantages. My own deafness enables me to concentrate my thoughts as I'd never be able to do if abstracted by noise and conversation. It helps rrie to sleep, too. Some men, through deafness, actually get a reputation for wit. I know a stupid old fellow, deaf as a post, to whom a lady said, nodding toward a rich banker's daughter: 'ls Miss Bond a pretty- girl?' The deaf, man, misunderstanding the question, answered calmly: 'No, she isn't; but she will be when her father dies. 5 " . There was a couple who had two children, a boy of foui-teen and a girl of twelve. About that time ol ; life another baby came along. With that prudislmess so commonly found, the parents took tho greatest pains that the children should not know anything abou the condition of their mother or . the impending event, and when tho J time approached the girl was sent on a : vacation to somo relatives in another city. At last the great event took ». place, and the father came and said to the boy: "Johnny, you have a new baby brother." Tlio boy said nothing, \ The' father sat down at his desk and in a few moments handed the boy a telegram. "Take that to the telegraph office," lie said, "and send it to sister. Here is a dollar to pay tho charges." Tho boy came back after v a while and handed his father tho .change. "What," said tho father, •'that telegram cost more than 35 cents, didn't it?" "Oh, yes," the boy replied, "the ono you wrote would have cost more. _ I sent ono of my ; own." "You did," tho father said, . "and what did you say?" "Oh," :the','i lad replied, "I iust wired sister;win. it's a boy.' "■ > - -.'fi ■ " 1