WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume CI, Issue 15444, 5 September 1914, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOUR.

OFF THE KEY. There was a man of earthly mood Who chilled enthusiastic glee By asking questions rather rude, All practical, but off the key. We warbled of the blossoms bright That love the sunshine and the shower, Said he, '-The roses are all right, But how about the cauliflower?"

Of the melodious birds of spring We caroled l.ghtly now and then Till lie inquired, "Why don't you sing About a rooster or a hen?"

Unto a picture he drew near, Ho almost made the art.st faint. He sai3, " 'Twould take you long, I fear, To give a house a coat of paint."

Thou man of practical design! In wisdom's way your footsteps run! And yet, oh, honoured friend of mine, Yon surely miss'a lot of fun!

Wiggs-—"What causes divorce?" Wagg—"Men, women-—and marriage."

"Your husband, madam, i s suffering from voluntary inertia."—"Poor fellow ! And here I've been telling 'him he's just lazy."

"Are you going to take a vacation t!his year?"—"No; I've got to spend two weeks at the seaside with my wife," said Binks. \

"Is your wife so very economical then?"—"Oh, yes. very. Why my wife can take an old 10s hat, spend 15s on it. and make it look almost as good as new."

"Success brings out a man's friends." —-"Yes, but if you want to know your real friends count the few who support you when you don't seem to have a chance to win."

She—"Superstitious after all these years! Don't you remember on the evening we first met how a black 'cat ran across our path and you swore some misfortune "would happen to—you?" He—"Well?"

"He who puts his hand to the plow," screamed the cross-roads orator, "must not turn back!"—" What is he to da when lie gets to the end of & furrer?" asked an auditor.

"Didn't you see that sign, 'Fresh Paint' ?" asked the grocer. "Of course I did," snapped the customer, "but I' ve seen so many si gns hung up here announcing something fresh that wasn't, that I didn't "believe- it." Silas (the hired man) —"Gosh, boss! It's not much fun workin' with the thermometer one hundred and two in. the shade." Farmer Haystack—"Waal, what's that to you? You're not goin' to work in the shade." Hokus—"Flubdub seems to have a wonderful opinion of his knowledge? 1 Pokus —"I should say \ie has. Why, 1 hare actually heard him attempt to argue with his son, who is in his freshman year at college."

Dr A.—-""Why do you always make such particular inquiries as to what your patients eat? Does that assist you m your diagnosis?" Dr B.— r 'Not that, but it enables me to ascertain their social position and arrange my fees accordingly." Native—"Yes, I says tfiie squire be praised. He give us that bootiful free library." Tourist—"l'm glad you appreciate it; but you don't look Lte a reading man, either." Native—"No, sur; ■ i don't use the library, but my old 'oomau she do get the job o' cleanin' it out."

"Hurray!" yelled father. "Hurray a couple of times!"—" What in the world is the matter?" asked mother. "I've just d:scovered a wonderful thing," father replied. "Here's one town in Mexico with a name that is pronounced exactly like it is spelled." First Passenger—"l- understand tlhafc your city has the rottenest political ring in the country." Second Passenger—"That's right. But how did you know where I'm from?" First Passenger—"l don'tr"

"She ought to drop dead for the awful lies siie's telling," said the plaintff excitedly, listen.ng to the w.tness for the defense. "Don't say tiiat," admonished the judge. "She* ought," repeate dthe pla-nt.ff. '"Don't say that again!" warned the judge. I 'VVelr, I won't, but she ought."

"Get away from here or I'll call my husband," threatened the 'hard-faced woman who had just refused the tramp some food. "Oh, no, you won't," replied the tramp, "because he a.nt home." —"How do you know?" asked the woman. "Because," answered tho man, as he sidled towards the gate, man Who marr.es a woman like you is only home at meal times."

"Noo, John, what hae I to bfing ye frae the toon?" sa*d a goQd w.fe to her husband as she was leaving to catcli the train. "Hey," repi.ed doan, "ma snuff 's all gone, an' I wad l-ke' ye to fetch me half ail ounce." —"Nay, irny," said the wife, "ye mustn't be extravagant ; ye know ve've fx-eu olr wurk a week, so ye mustn't use nae snuff. Jest tickle yer nose wi' a straw instead."

"Well," said Cie, anxious to make up tlieir quarrel of yesterday, "aren't you curious to know what's in this parcel." "Not very," replied the wife, indifferently. "Well, its someth.ng for the one I love best in t-h.s world."—"Ah. I suppose it's those new collars you said you needed." The builder's men had returned ta work after a rest. A labourer waa walking with his right arm raised above h.s liead. and slightly bent, as if carry,ng a.n object of some we.ght. Sail/ the foreman, 1 • What the deuce are you walking alike thai for?"- —"Can't 1 bloomin' well wa.k as I like?" replied the labourer, indguantly. "Yes, you can, but how about the chap behind?" Turning, tho workman saw his mats standii-g two yards ,n the rear, holding his-arm in precisely tho same way. A moment's reflection and then he sang out, "Well-, I'm blowed, D.ck, we've been an' gone an' left the bloomin ladder behind." ■She was rich but uneducated and had a. cottage for the summer at the seaside. Her one problem was how to secure as her house guest the "recognised leader of soc.ety'' in her town. Hid invitation was being verba.ly extended, and as a last inducement Mrs Malaprop ended: "And as you sit on the front porch it's charming to watch the l.ttlo white-sailed boats fl.t pro and con." An elderly woman was left in the house by herself. Suddenly the telephone bell rang. She had never answered the phone in her life. The bell rang again a::d then aga.n. Tnen she knew it must be answered, even though she did not wish to. Jumping to hei feet, she took the receiver down. "No-" body at home!" she shouted into the transmitter and the nhung up tho receiver.

' Sir George Honeyman, an infamous writer, sent down from the bench to a friend of his, a leading Q. C., a little note. Not able to make head nor tail of it, the barrister scribbled something equally imdccpherablc upon a half sheet of notepaper, and passed it to the judge. Sir George looked annoyed, and when the ceurfc rose, said to his fi'iend: "AVliat do you mean by tills? I asked you to come and dine with me tonight." "Yes," sa-d the barrister, ''and yt replied that I would bo extremely g'ad to do so."