WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XCIV, Issue 14658, 27 January 1912, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

TO ONE KKGLEOTED." VTiio daily goes his plodding "Vay And totes his load till lie is grey. Yet never asks for price nor pay "Why Father! Who often obligates himself \ - To pay our grintiin,; grist in yolf-* Yet sits uudusted on the sheif? Poor Father. Who trots tho kids at grey of di«B V. it-h only big pyjamas on, And never dares to say "Doggone"'f Same Person. '. Who is it never makes a kick . But someone hits him with a hrok? WTio grins and bears it, thin aai thi;-k # Out pater! ' Who washes dishes' now and then,- ' And risks the scoffs of lesser men * "Who falls, hut gets right np again ' The Governor I -■--•. Who, when this weary life shall tnd. His way to heavenly rest will ureid/ And somewhere find a tardy friani? Why, ditto! Hence is this little lyrie writ To praise poor dad a little "oft— My interest, is that I am it! I'm father! —Henry Edward Warner, in "Baltfc more Evening Sua." Redd: "I see he's got an automo" i ile." Greene: "What has ho got-to mortgager" _ Major Mull: "The doctor says Urn thinks I am suffering from -Miss Cynic: "Rather a flatterer isn't Smith: "I didn't know you o>>'r,t-<i a motor car; why these auto" .Smyth: "My wife has hatpins." • Mrs Knicker: "They say Pari* it razy oyer friniji-" Knicker: :WeU, i wear it on my trousers if you. get any more dresses." Clerk (te office boy, after st-uiar mariner has told poor joke): : "\t.hy ion't you laugh, too " Office Boy:*"! ■'cn't need to; I'm leaving t.n Svturday." •_ ;'■■'* Jison: "I wonder how many, paopi* they have got packed into that isr?" Abner: "Wellj the number on.tho t*» -V.VS 1G27." , • -' : "That life-savFsr seemed to hivra fi hfficulty in getting to shore.'"->-"V<-!fc He took a terrible chance. He iumpei •verboard wearing all ha .. Ler© m.etlals." . " ■ ;" Sniytho: «'Tes, wo had a 3ood d.iy-'» sport, yesterday. Juggins got 5 piod ! e.g and sent it to the rsosp;tiil-e?-* frowns: "Gh, yes: what did ?.o feev?" Sttythe: "A gatnekeeper." •- •;-" -•Did your late employer g.vo yem a testimonial?" —''Yes, but- it'-at.«« act seem to do me any good.-' -r-----•What did he say?"—"He said.l was j me cf the best men his firm h*d ever I turned out." J "Well, madam?"— 'VTho mv husband makes isn't enough."' -^ But. madam, we decided it wa» ample for your support and the mpi- :- rt- of the children." —"Yes, jucg«i j know, but I'll need as nib n tr« r the support jnf ihc automobile." •Smiihers" is tiiscouragod aboat hi* :..7c affair." —"What's "He. was" in the 'act of proposcjg last - night- wl>2u the girl's father - and mother came in."—-'What .did- Sniilbrs dor" —"StoDped short, of-Toursa.** "V.Tiat did the girl do?" — What- were you saying, Mr Sinitb> The Salvation Army were -iliowing ome of their converts at a usectujf.. lie.-h convert made a speech ia -h» tnrn, saying what the Army had <ic.p# f>?r them. "Kind stavred --. i>..'or old navvy, "I have got loito thank the Army fot. bet'ause s>Wr4 I i.ened it, I used to beat my wtftf ti»rf rible, but now I'm saved J''a so hunible that she knocks lumps off :»■»."* "1 say," cried the business iuan t9 ihe detective, "some fellow has tein' representing himself as a collector op. ours. He has been getting iti «■«• money than any two of the cen -w* have, and I want him caught as qMiikiy as you can." "Ail right. 1 w.il have hira in gaol in less than a week.** —"Great Scott, man! I don't wasV you to put him in gaol. I waat t»' engine him'."" .*.'.. -" •Doctor Flub-Dnbbe," said "ti* court- .severely. "do you know that that fiute-phiyer you are talkrnZ about playctl three 'flies that vprjj liarading across Lis musis?" '-'Art, 5 * said Doctor Dubl>e, "is The techn:quc that can play a ecu:-mo-or house fly. that can translate form, even the form c? a little fiy, ' into. tonal colour to enthrall the e»", f« intoxicate the senses with it* -jtuVui* Sy'.v.intts Miller, ciTil engineer, t»-' gaged in Tailroad enterprises iii Central America, was seeking local s-jpTibrt for a road, and attempted to giv-2 ih«. matter point. He asked a native: ••How long does it take you »o ctrry your goods to market, by —"Three days," v.-as the reply-. is the point,"' said Miller. "With e~r road in operation you could take your goods to maricet and be buck brj-.-if" in one day."— "Very good, answered the native. "But what v.ovM to do with the other two 'lays?" .'.-" "I wish I knew where my liushanji_.. was," remarked a lady vrhose spouse, was irregular in his home-oorninyk.. "You mean, I presume," respouied her precise friend, "that you villi you know where your husband. :S:'"— "No, 1 don't," was the retort. '*t know where lie is. Ho's i.p in li« room sleeping off a headach*. I-\r»nl to know where he was!" Downcast, the rejected darky iuilori declared he had been encouraged," only to be refused. She wanted to knovr wliat she had done to lead hia» •i» think she had loved him. WheTe-ipon' 1 he said when sho danced with fclh.y: men she kept them at arm's le.tart; but when she danced with him *-huleaned her dusky head on liis broai shoulder and almost- let him carry her. "Dat wan't love," she, sniff *l -- "Dat wuz to keep mah feet of'n -is flo' so's yo' wouldnftbe tromjiu' dll' ovah mah toes— yo such a- -> ; poor._ dancer." \ - .'- , A sight-seeing visitor went aboard ■» ~ tramp steamer in the harbour. Not.in.j. that the deckhands were Chin'Me, shia -\ approached one of them and -M-iij., r "Y r ou no speak English?" The man looked bored and . answered. thing. The lady continued: "Mc go ' your country soon. Me learn - Clu'nese, teach little. Chinese !-oy ai.VT girl. Y r ou savvy 4 mireionary' ?'* ' Tho Chinaman looked at her a urinate anfi..: answered, "Madam, if you are uoiI, more successful in. mastering' pur ' language than you appear fjo been -with your own I. fear tlibat your attempt to enlightja «ii\. . prove anything but satisfactory. Good", afternoon." She had been itddresiiiui; a Yale graduate -who was working! hi» jUASage basic to China. '-