WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XCIV, Issue 14482, 1 July 1911, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

VIViS LA BxIGATBIiLE. How queer life's curious contrasts ar»j| The short man hu» tile tallest debt. The slim man smokes a big cigar. The fat man .pulfs u, o-garetteT The bad man's puree is to the cood, , The good mua'3 roll ia to tlw bad, Tlio wibo man's saws will saw no wood, The gay man's jokes, arc very sad 1 The bookish. man can keen no hooka. The knoady lnaa can make no dough; The seer is awfully start on looks— The actor never has a show I The fortune boiler's always boot; Tlio doctor'/! generally ill' ■..-*•*•■■ Oh, let's bo glad loi'om tliing^ftfi« Wo fools have Sttlll —Cleveland lftild Dealer. LOVE TALES OF AN AD-SMITH. Blanche was a. maid of sweet sixteen, (Maizes Old i'olks louug, i'udd's Vigor-■-•no I; Her smile was always gay und briujit (She used DoUd's JJcntnhce at aigut Bof'.r'c-, she tlopt, and thrice a day;. Blanche had a pair of tUigg's i.Uuuje) bl*> And Jiardly any traco of hips, (Reduced by Dr Dipp's No-Fat) Her clothes, from hobble up to rat, Were i admin's last words, so to spcuk, (She dressed at Dubb'a on One-pux-Weokl) Bill was a huaky, bia-jawed lad, , (Xou'li iind him sketched for a clotbJDg ad.) With form erect and ekouldeis squai«, (lie posed for Meshwork Gadorwear, Likewise lor Dcpey's Cigarette And &ilk-net Hosee) "The Ad-iniin'« l'ot," That is tlio way they speak of Bill, bo fc'is not strange Blanch© felt a thrill Whtr. she saw his form in a mogaslw In u uuion-smt like a window screen. "iF ¥ f' uo And the ad-forms illustrate nil they dot 1 or Waterproof Collars sl» ties bis ties. For the ICandyko she makes sweeet oyes At Bill, who's drawn as the Kondy Bad. The things he bought, and tho things she djd To koop him buying, the last pae* tells t "Do?'t Wolk withßaby When ho Yell. Itdd's Patent Crudle Keeps Him Still"' Therewith a sketch of little Bill. —O. L. EdJjolm, in Pack : Hostess: "Will you nave some bread and butter, darling ?" Small Boy; "Bread and butter 1 I thought this wa* a party." Mrs Smart: '•! can't mak« op my imnd what to wear to the ball ton.ght." Mr Smart: '-'Well, for good. hoEa' sake, wear something.'' She: "Are .vou against loiig liatpini Sot woman?" He.- "Well. I hiava been several times."

Caller (to Wink mnnngor): "I want to see you ahout /in overdraft." Manager: "Yes, how much do you wantP" Caller (brightly): "How much hav* you sotP"

"So eJm> refused yon."— "Yea, It certainly puzzles mo."—"Oil, well, if she had aocepted you, the wbolo world would have been puzzled." Unskilful Bidcr (as the horoe goo* through the water for the third time) "Grout heavens I This beast must liar* boon in the marines at one time." Kindly Lamdhiuy (to the new boarder): "Hov- did you find your bed, Mr InInte?" Mr Inlatc- (taken aback): "Ob, .dash it, ma'am! I was not bo bad aa that "

- "How are you getting on with yon* new motor-oar }"— "Oh, I'm all-right," replied Mr' Clmggins. "But I'd feel a lot more comfortable if the streets wer» not so full of cureless or inexperienced pedestrians." . "Shall we advertise for a, man with experience ?'V- "Well, I don't know. The last man haa so much experience that we could.i't teneli him anything.'* • Miss VaUmore: "I waif:old to take lemon juice for my singing." Air Sourly "Haven't you got will-power enough to stop eingiug without Ihe aid of lemon juice." '

. Visitor: "Oh, I think Ladv Gcrtrudo is so very clever at repartee, you know" Mrs Nooriehe: "Oh, indeed! Well, I'm thinking of 'nving the girto' taught, too. I'm u great believer in these athlotio games for ladio." "Captain," slioutod the h'eutenant tw his superior on the bridge of the vessel —tho roar of the artillery was deafening—"the enemy has got owv range." Tiie captain frowned. "Curse the iuokl" he growled. "Now how can the cook get dinner!"

Charles Smith, a jovial ticgro, wu arraigned in the county court, on a, minor charge. "Smith/' asked the court, "did you ever commit a erim» berorol"' Tha negro pondered for a monaojt. "Well, yo' honaii," ho answored eWIy, "Ah can't 'zaetly say, but An done get married one time." A mother sent this somewhat satirical nvbo to tlio teacher of her small son:—"Pardon me for calling'your attention to ■he fact that you ifav» pulled Johnnie's right ear until it ia getting longer than tho other. I'leaee pull bis ]«ft «a r fox a while, aud oblim bis mother "

Two oncklayers bad a disagreement. jW« in a few minutes wen fighting tnncusly. One finally got the ntlwr clown tin tlio ground and began juvnm. "IS rn his opponent. "Here , Bi'L" gasp-j-1 tlio latter, "that ain't fair' Tiiia is a fair ligbt—it ain't football!" Jlio manager of a suburban muaio Hail was testing the abilities of sever* candidates for stage honouors, and tbfc is how ho let down one of the woutd-ba tunny men: "I'm sorry, ay bov, but your songs won't do for ;ne. I cac't allow .-my profanity u. my theatre," ho said, not unkiidly. "But, my d«« sir. 1 do not use profanity," renliwi tue asp]Tant. "No," assented " tat manager, "but tit 3 audioiuw v.-ou!d. ,: _ ;\ piper whoso religious ediieatitw Bad Ikh.'u neglected had been in<hi!;fin» mrnswlf with a iune on the rvpes r.'u * Sunday, when the minuter <"hr.ne<v: tno p;,s.-;ng his house. JFo fhooidri >• his duty to go in sjid .idmm,Kh thnffouder. "What wns tint I w:-= >..-»- ■na, 'iiigidci?"—'-Wort, nv-'e vr.'-Vv be hcanir t'lo jnws."- ■•'.!!,( I',-, «,-, not kno*,v in'i.Tc <!,-, v (bis i.<'-''-. "\\ what for w:;d i li.ll I.nov.ii it ■•'••--. '•Ougald, do von i-ni.'mlH'r (lie I'.-k VCommandment.?"- "V;i miii M."-' I enn,,:, ~y 1d,,; but if ye wad wbn'lVt, 1 11.1,-M t;-y to i.1.-iv it to von " ••Von ,^ B thin mountains!" ,-r----e1:i,n,..-,l the jaunt;,!.;-,.;,,. ,lr,for. The l «' l l admitfe,] tlvit lie did <w> tie m. ••.irms lb,. !„./!•,,.(■ lnnuiitainß in O r- ''""'• -,% . 011. don'i. mv r;o." n \] ,).„ •1...1.-W '-Oi do. .Ir. iiidode! An'vou '' '■ ■'• n, :;, ! "." : -', '"••;, «•:„,, t„ another w!!!w>- t T" -\ '" Y ' iu>,;t '" the \ >', , fl t "' ,r ' st expressed his inenMluhty "Survly not!" !,o nroto.sted Sure it s true," retorted the driver lincllntr exceptm'. av eoorso. f«r tlnm in furrin nn.rta "