WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XCIV, Issue 14360, 4 February 1911, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A MINUTE AFFAIR.. "It is tho little thina/;," ho ta.u, "Winch givo ub ho much nam. ' His wile luado annwor: 'is your lwaa Dear, troubling you uguiuP" BONG OF THK GERM HUNTJJKS. We have harried tho germs, in epito of their Minimis, and huvo slam tlu> same in thuu' lair; Wo are alter the fly with tho baleful eye, and tbo 'nlujovor inuiit nay its prayer; We have purified tvollw and have k.llcd off ,hiouiU thut huvo risen unto thu tildes, But in spito of our toil, and tbe wafer ■wo boil, tho public ups and dies. AVo huvo nivopt tho streets, screened fruit.? and moats, wo have had milk pasteurized; No bacillus thrives upon human lives i wbieli we've properly storiliaod; The insidious bug in tho barber's mug we have given a rude surprise, But what's tho userI—some 1 —some screw is loose—tho public ups and dies. In the days cono by no "swat tho* fly" was tbe usual summer sign; Hut it somehow 101 l man lived as well—their Jives wore as yours or mine; So something's wrong with the germ bond's sung—what it is we can't surmise; Cut the chinch remains that, npitn 61 our pains, tho public tips und dies. —Denver Republican. "Did he have any luck on bis fishina trip?" "Kuugli to ltrcp him in conversation for several weeks," Maud: "Mr Brownleigh tries to llirfc with every pretty girl ho sees." Ethel: "I've soon him trying to flirt with you, too." Disgusted Fisherman. (emptying his bait into tho stream): "Hanged if I'll wait on you any longer. Hero I Help yourselves." "Is your engagement a secret!'" "No tho girl knows it." "Miss Jones isn't looking at all liks herself this evening." "Oh, no—sin Dover does." "I'vo just been reading about tho power of the will. It's a wonderful thing."—"Yes; a inillhmniro friend of inini; left a will that muluij uix children and seventeen grandchildren bo good," Seaside Visitor (admiring a icigull) "How nice and clean he looks." Hutttmaii: "Ah, ma'am, if you Kpcnt as much time in the water as ho does, you'd look clean, too." Doctor (to typhoid patient) "Do you romomlwr where yon drank watorp" Patient: "Oh, vest It was on tbo denr old farm—twenty years ago." Singleton: "I. winunt understand why n man's wife is called his belter half." Wodmorß! "Von would if you bad to divide your salary with one." Nell: "Tli.-.t Miss Oopleigii is na awfully odd sort of n girl." Belle: "Mercy, yes. Why, she's so frigid that wherever sbo goes on rainy days it snows." "What was tho happiest moment of your lifoP" asked the sweet girl. "Tho happiest moment of tny life, answered tbo old bachelor, "was when the jeweller took back nn engagement ring ami gave me Rleovo-lmliS in exchange." Mr Motor!on anil his small son voro in. the natural history _ museum gazing at a skeleton of a chimpanzee. "Gee, Pop," oxolniiiv-yl tbe boy, "we humans are certainly built on a similar chassis, aren't we! J " "My!" exclaimed one of the concert ' party with a glance al, her prnnrnmnie, "hasn't Mr Herbert a tremendous repertory!" "Well. 1 wouldn't cxnellv fay that," replied her IVrmd. "but ho is getting prelty fat." Thomas Hood was veiled shortly liefore bis death by a clergyman. *"Mv dear sir," Jlnod .said to him, In.,kin- el. his gloomy countenance, "J. am nlrnid your religion dees nut ngroo with you." A genial looking gentleman wauled an emiitv bottle ill which to mix a i.olutiou, and went, to a chemist's to purolinw- one. Selecting cue that, answered bis purp.ise be asked the Klmimian bow much it would cost. "Well," was tbe reply, "if you wank tbe empty bottle it will he a penny, hut if you want anything in it you can have it for nothing." "Well, 1 hnt'« fair," sail the customer, "put in n. oork." "This is the fourth, time yen have asked me to mnrry v.ui," said' tbe goodInciting girl, ror.rnl fully. "I am sure 1 have never encouraged you.'' "1 do net knnw about that," replied tbo serious young man. "You're the only girl I know who doesn't hi ugh i\ ben. I. propose, to bef." (Jronty: "See here, you've had niv l:Mvii-mmvci- a whole hour. Do veil think 1 might, to be kept Mnn.ling around here nil dav wnsling mv limn waiting for it?" Vroufv: "f'e'rt ninlv not. I'd he ~lnd to have you rake my lawn in tho meantime, old man." Mrs Ncwlywod: "This paper R: , v a there are 50,fHK).nnf) babies I„, n i evciy year." Mrs Newlywed : "Oh. darling! Doesn't iliat make von nrnud ?" Mr Newlywed: "Whv should il'-" Mrs Newlywed: "Why, just 1„ iliiiik that our baby -s theli smartest anil iirettiost o! lifly million." MEANS TO AN END. In the dingv anil dirty alley two dnmes with rubicund races mi"b|. bavo b'<;ui seen onga.-ed in a wor.lv brittle, that .seemed likely to eulmiii'ile in n yet mere ilan' r e;ous (lnr , . "Look 'ere." .■-healed en- lady. "ynr> just, keen vonr bnv and 'is pi'i'-t'in indoors; 'c' :i ' t„-„l;e f,vo pane; el' r ' n: ,<, in my front par'er winder alre.-elv." "1 shall do no sueb thine." retorts <he olher ladv holly. "It's not the - slriiv is *■>- thirl.- wo! 'e (<■!■■: :„ sn''i ';■■. lon w'th!" "Siring!"' rdr.iov tl, f , fi : ...» fiivakev. "Wet <N 1 ea- abnot ''« Co!- 11.-! bi- in do with mo, i"Tu enur-e. ; t 'a-," 1-errd I'V- ~!V^. '•,;..;.- '-.',-r '■■< ■■ ■•■■ - ■'- - -• 1 -, •'' i -'V P i--' ->■-. "_' '' ' ' l'-w " '"■ g l l anv mere frio- (!:.',;■:; broke P"