WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XCIV, Issue 14393, 7 January 1911, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

THE SIMPLIFIED STYLES. Xbora *a» a woe damsel named P«ggj t ."With pinafore jammy and ~ Wind they said, "You can t spell/ Bho roplied, "Very well, And neither can Andrew Oaroogia." —Moilyn Pigott in P. 1, V. perhaps yon -WEiun. Wlitn I bo« n youth with hid pant* turned up and his beautiful book* on view, Anl over one eyo perched & little round lint, with a ribbon of mauve or blue. And fourteen rings and tlie sovori pins that ho cot ut his dour prop, school, Why, it strikes a chord, and 1 say: "Oh. Lord I was I ever that big a foolr" s When I «ee a youth wit-li hie gloves turned down, and a cigarette »tuck in his face, Anl a loud check coat nnd n hornc-cloth vest and n hnlf-inoh wido shoe liioo, And n bunch of liair that hide* Mb ears, and a line of scnselowi drool. Then I paw tlio sward as I sny: "Oh. Lord I was I ever tluit bifc' a fool. —"New Stork Time*." TO A JILT. If handsome is as handsome data, ' As lmndsom® hath l)«en ssid to bd, Why, you're tlio handsomest over wn«. For you have ('done ine" handsomely I | —"London Opinion." "Do you find tlio cost of living any higher than it was, Bay, fiv®' year* ago?" "Yes, sir. Two of my daughters have got married since." "She said that &ho would new speak to me again.'"—"Well, what did you do?"—"I aslced; hor if she meant it, nnd when she nodded hor head, I asked hor to Ire my wife. Sucb a olianoo as that was too Rood to loeo. Old Gent (after takinc a- Is oil] ride): "How mUchP" Cabby: "Half-a-crown, sir."—"Go away I'm not so green as I look. — 1 flint < a pity, eixt" Belle: How silly men sot when ihf? propose! Why, my husband noted J.lee a perfect fool. Nell: "Thats vrhat every body "thought whoo your ongatj<v •merit'vrom annauiiood.' 1 "I say," oaid the «um who wu heginning to have a bare spot on tho top of hia'head, "Can yon toll me what ij good for bald now ?"—" Yos," replied' the bnrbcr.' cheerful determination to mako tie best of what ottJi t be helped."' Old Goutleman: "I. shall W>port yott, youns; man. Why didn t 1 you KtoP your'oar liaforef Here 1-have been ■rjinning after it for liaarly tfiiry yards." Oonductof: "AH _ .fW, ' guv'nor. I'm fiorry > ~Dut | flSni WW a pertater, witjx oyog «U over/' t . Jil): "And if I murry you } dear, will you allow me to bo & jaulitant Rtiflragott&P n Jack: "Indeed I will,, darling —providing you 5 11 refrain fit>m prtio* tising on moi" ■ > Tho member was to h&vo mode a speech at —, and being Mnablo to <Io ( so because the heavy rains had destroyed the branch, railwayi _ wnt -a teleßram: "Cannot oome. turnout on line.*' ' Tho reply came: 4, N«vor mind. Borrow a Bmrt. ,, u Your weather prophets make a great many piistaktjs/* said tlio mftn who sn-eers. nnswerod the observ-or, "and if .nil tho othw jwoplo hod nil tlioir published in the daily papera, as wo do, I eiwpoct tiiat our record would seem pretty good. "There was one man whoso 'life was perfect," said tho Sunday Bchool teacher, "What one of you can tell mo who ho was?" Little ' Mary Jono'a hand went up, asd tl>© tonchor nodded to her. "Ho was- mamma's first hueband," she said.

She was pretty mid tho shop auiigb* ant was glad to sell her a atauip. Also to weigh her letter. Also.to licit tlx® stamp and affix it to tho envelope. "Put it oil upside down, pleats*," fiU* simpered. "That means fwmethisc to Charlie." Then tlio discifchanted clorlr lost interest.

Mr. Austen Chamberlain, whon Poii* master-General, wnn addressing his constituents, and was showing that, after all, it was not the clashes hut the masses who really governed ilia country. "For instance," Haiti he. 1 'who mad© 1110 Postmaster-G^erul P And a voice at the back of tho 2i®u squeaked, "Papa. I M

"Well, Tommy, what is "Please, mum, Willi© »7oncw umhl * swear "word at mo." —"Did ho. was dt ho saidP"-—"Plonso, I don't lijco to say it, but if vou'li repent nil tho sw-ear words you Know, 111 tell you when you come to it!"

Mr Johnsing, aged 00 yenr.s, nnd hw faithful wife, aged 87, woro returning from tho burial of tlwir only «on who luid died at the ago of 03. Tho fattoor was taking his loss much to hoarl. wliou tho mother put her hand on is arm und said, M lt ain't so sudden Hastus; you know I always said wo'd nowr raiso dat child."

Merchant Tailor: "I'm sorry to say it, Mr Goodheart, but a® this is to bn your wedding suit. I must demand cnala. on delivery."—"Eh. Why, I'vc had an account with you for years, ajid I've always paid promptly io the hour. »sir."—"Yes, Mr Goodheart; **ut you weiv a bachelor, and had tho handling of your own money."

An indignant tourist oomplaiii-ed tc Watson Hey that owing to "washout* on tho line ho had taJcon iifty-M*x ho;ir/» to get from "Wady llalfn. to Kmimhj:. Watson (in the spirit of hi 1 v Kitchener) replied «nnply i.lmt i.«. self bad "taken nine yei.-rw with 1 h r - Field 3;\irco ovor tho same petition."

A builder observed a mail staiiding on the scaffolding with hi s ; hand* in his )>oekets. smoking a pine. Ho wont gently up the ladder, asd said: "Now I've caught you; wo'll have no nuiro of lh : s! Here's your four days' pay % and yon can consider yonr-elf discharged!" Tho man pocketed tho money and went away rather quickly. •Tust then the foreman came ni>, nnd tho builder told him what he had done. "Why," said the foreman, "'hat. man wasn't working fop us: ho only a'-uing for a jobl"