Wit and Humour.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIIC, Issue 14216, 4 June 1910, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

+a^f 0 i° ffere ? an ex Pl&nation of Ear r od -.*" IVe *■«» a we" nt o' s "I always cry mora thah I do at a funeral. It a so. much more uncertain,"

;;y° u say you Save quit smoking P'* — ne r r lolfLeI ol fL e smok » again." + 1 n } vh y don t you throw away those cigars ?"_"Never. I threw away a box of good cigara tho last tie Jon/' " moklng > and ifc tau KW> me

t eac i Her , £a3 teen telling tfi* class about the rhinoceros fanuly —. "thaT'^ 1110 "T* thin es»" said aha, that are very dangerous to get near to, and that hare home."-' -Motor.

After reproving Her eldest son fat °, f ci g aro tte smoking, the mother thought she would improve th« occasion still further, and inquired of a younger member of the family, aged nfn+i ?» b f en Bm okiug also. "No* mother, was the reply, "I We gives

i l *? 1 ® wEo attends u Stat« ' school has quits an idea of nobility. a» was evidence by her reply to her t wV S lO clajsa had been reading about the King's family. The teacher, wishing to inculcate the correct idea of £° + y , al descent said:—"Now, children,, if the King and the Queen nad a eon* what would he bo?"—"Tho Jack,'* was the quick response.

? £?l nster{ " Wh 'y fon'fl you get Married P<'' The afraid. —The Spinster: "What nonsense I Why 3 a bachelor is ever so muohl worse off than a married man."—The Bachelor! "How so?" The Spinster t Why, a married man is only afraid or one woman; but a bachelor is afraid ot every woman he comes across."

| 'l suppose," said it Eympathstl® neighbour, "that you will erect a handsome monument to your husband'f memory?"—"To his memory?" echoed the tearful widow. "Why, poor John k an y- was sorting over some ot his clothes to-day, and I found th« pockets full of letters I had given him to post."

They were to ba married lit October, and now they were sitting in his study, meditating on tho blissfulness of futuri "i the young lady suddenly, "every morn you send me violets, which at even you have culled* don t you?"—"I do," responded the ever faithful, "no matter what the cost." "You darling!" "But I waa 'E°' n S to suggest," she murmured, "that some mornings you might send up a pound of tomatoes or a couple of cabbages. It wouldn't cost you half as much, and it would make euoh. a hill with the old folks."-

Before ithe magistrate. ' _ A negro 'woman of generotui propor« tions was in the witness bor in th« police court before Judge Weir, who ia the Mr. Plowden, of the United so renowned is he for his wit and wi»* dom, and she mafie such a good witneM for the plaintiff that the lawyer for th» defence planned to throw "cold water" on what she said by finding fault with her character.

"Let me see, you have been arrested before, haven't youP" the lawyer asked on cross-examination.

/'Don't care to 'cuss that faiattah," she replied, shortly. "But you must answer the question," the lawyer told her. "The law requires you to answer, whether you like to or not."

"Well, I ain't been 'rested but once," she said, reluctantly. "Tell us what that was lor." i

■"Now, look aJieah," said the Witness, getting angry, "do you think I'm goin' to tell you all my private buaii ness? I guess not." "I have the right to know, and you must tell me," the lawyer persisted} and Judge Weir instructed the witneM that she would have to answer.

"I's 'rested for lickin' my husban'," she said, her eyes flashing. "That so?" said the lawyer, with great satisfaction. "What is your husband's name?" And ■ she told liim. "And what is his business P"

"He's a prize-fightah," she said, and the cross-examination abruptly ended amid general merrimeafc.