Wit and Humour.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIIC, Issue 14211, 28 May 1910, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

He: "I wish you knew 'me well enough to call me by my first'name " She (helping him along): "Oil, your last name is good enough for me."

Lady: "You ought to be ashamed of yourself to have such a • tight cheekrein on your horse." Teamster': "Oh lie doesn't really mind the check-rein mum : but he'd kick if I'd put corset* on 'im."

Is that you , Frank?" asked Mra Tippins in a nervous voice, as she heard someone moving about in the darkness. "it is," replied Mr Tippins. "Yon gave me quite a shock. I thought ufc first there was a man in the house."

Editor (to reporter): "What do you mean by writing, 'Among the prettiest girls at a dance was Captain Andrews' The Captain is a man?" Reporter: "Yes; but he spent most of his time among the prettiest girls there."

■First Society Woman: "I.'want to wire my broker to buy me some stock. How- would you word that sort of thing?" Second Society Woman: "Tell him to buy it at the lowest market prices or less."

; , ; Bessie: "Oh, Mabel, I-inn in an awful dilemma. I've quarrelled with-Harry and Jie wants me to send Jiis dug ■back." Mabel: 'That's too bad.'™ Bessie: ''That isn't viio jxiint. l'v» forgotten winch is bis ring. l '

"I say, old man, what's good for my complaint!'" asked a sufferer from insomnia. "I haven't closed -my ©yea for five nights." "Go in for' boxing," ' replied his friend. "The first time I tried it my eyes were closed for • a week."

Country Lady: "I've l"">n expecting a packet by post for a 'lAeek/ and haven't received it yet." Post .Office Clerk: "Yes, madam. Kindly fill in this form, and state the nature of your complaint.'' Lady: "Well, if you really must know, it's indigestion."

The other day a countryman called nt the office of a fire insurance company and intimated that ho desired to insure his shop and household efFe"ts. "What facilities have you for extinguishing a fire in your village?" inquired the official. The man pondered a moment or two, and then answered; "Well, only the rain I"

A little girl was in the habit, of telling "stretchers." Her auntie told her she could never believe her: and, to warn her, related the tile of the boy who culled, "Wolf, wolf!" and hovr the wolf really did come one day and nte up nil the sheep. "Ate the sheep?"' "Yes." "All of them?" "Yes; all of them." "Well," said the little one, "f don't believe von, and you don't believe me. So there!"

"Jane," said a lady rather sharply to her cook, "I must insist that you keep bettpr hours and that you hnva less eomnany in the kitchen at night. Last night you kept me from sleeping because of the uproarious laughter of one of your women friends." "Yis, mum, I know," was the apologetic reply: "but she couldn't help it. I'wai* a-tellin' of her how you tried to mak* cake one day."

A school teacher, whose mcthocTt were rather more fanciful than usiin!, was giving her class a chatty leetura on "the cat." "And what 'is nu«r clad in?" she asked. "Wl>at hit tW; protects her from the cold ? Does she> wear a pinafore, or does sh" wen-- «. shawl, or does she wear a little inekct?" "T pay, teicher." nT«W">->l- nn unimaginative and impatient Tf+'o' pupil, "ain't ye never seen a cat?"

The burly farmer strode' anxiously into the post office. "Have you got any letters for Mike Howe " "h 0 asked. The new postmaster looked him up and down. "For —who?" he snapped. "Mike Howe!" repeated tin?', .f'arj mer. The postmaster turned aside, 'it don't understand," he returned stiffly j "Don't understand," roared the an- ] plicant. "Can't you understand:' phw* English? I asked if you've unfc »m» (letter fc r Mike Howe!"—"WeH \; I haven't!" snorted the ■ post i>\ »<■+-» ' "neither have I a letter for Mvbodi lelse'a cow! Get oufct" ■■■*iK-«*jf