WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 14056, 13 November 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"\Yhah makes that follow so popular?" "He'll listen to a funny story without insisting on telling- another."'

Pat: "An' phwat the devil is a ehalin'-dish?" Mike: "Whist! Ufs a Iryiu'-pan that's got into society."

Postmaster: "This letter is too heavy. You'll have to put on another stamp." Coon: "Sab, will that make itt any lightah ?"

"Pa, what is writers' cramp- 1 " "It's being cramped for monev, my son. All writers suffer from it."

'.She .-told him she lmist not see him any more." '.'What did he do?" "Turned out the. light!"

Wife (after a quarrel): I wish I had never met you. Hub: Oh, yes! Now when it is too late vou are sorry <"or me.

She: And why are vou afraid to nr.k nana? He: Well. I've asked' him lor three of your sisters alreadv.

"He couldn't even propose to a woman—he's too bashful."- "Nonsense! He's married." "Yes, but lie married a. widow."

"They are oui+e ordinary peonl\ aren't they? "Yes—keen 'their <n"■'•'"■.ements, eat nlain food, nay tjieir bills, and all that sort of thing'."

"T would like to heln yon, my poor man. but T Invon't niucli work to give you." "Tbit'll suit me down to the ground, ma'am, I don't want much.

"How's >"v fviend. the colonel gettint on w'itb his gnmop" Caddv (in ecsta-v): "Ob. fine, sir! ' 'E's'iunrovin' a lot, Vcr should 'eaj- 'im eus-.in'!" .

"■What did her father say?" "Ho didn't nbs'ihitelv refuse," be refilled thoughtfully, "but he imposed a vorv severe erudition." "What was it " "He raid he would see mo hanged first,"

Pater: "And did that voung man have the ;t"rve to think that he "'as H n position to to my daughter o " Dausrhto"-: "Oh, he was'; papa! Ho was on his knees."

"Dorcthv alwavs ben-ins a novel- in the middle." "What's that for?" "Why. tb«n she has two problems to be excited over—bow the story will end and how it will begin."

Mamma: "H'U'e you been tnki"" vnr cough like a good hov?" Tommv: "\n. ma'am. I let Belly t::stf> it, an' she liked it. so I traded it to her for an orange."

"Died iir poverty!" cried the phdscornfully. "Died in poverty, did he, an' yon expect me to sympathise What is there in dving 'm poverty. I've got to live in it,"

"Why do yon alwavs go out o-. the "bi]''eny when I herdn to sing, .'"bn? .Can't von bear to listen to me." "It ■'sVF: that, but J don't'want the neighbours to think I'm a wife-heater."

"Tommy," said the teacher oT the juvenile class, "when water becomes ice, what it-, the exeat change that take* place?" "The change in price," replied Tommy.

"When I married you you promised to reform and make yourself thoroughly worthy of it." "Yes, and tho result is 1 overdid'it, and made myself a good deal better than you deserve."

Someone- asked.'Max Nordiui tn dptine the difference between genius and insanity. "Well," said the 'author of "Degeneration," "the lunatic is, at least, sure of his board and clothes."

"A play," remarked the theatrical manager, "is like a cigar." "What's the answer?" inquired the innocent reporter. "If it's good," explained the manager, "everyone wants a box, and if it's bad no amount, of puffing will make it draw."

Gentleman (indignantly): "You praised your kitchen coal to the skies, i and said it was most economical: Why, it won't burn at all!" Coal Dealer (cooly): "Well, what could you hare more economically than that?

Professor (to have now been twenty-five years in my service, ■ Pegina. As a reward for your fidelity I have determined to name the beetle I recently discovered after you."

Clothier: "Were you pleased with the overcoat which I sold you?" Customer: "Oh, ves; all my bovs have worn it." "Well, think of that!" "I do. Every time after a rain the next smaller one has to take it."

A certain public man in Adelaide ha«= a disinclination to admit that he is ill, and when a country, friend met him at the show recently,- arid nske'd how he was, he replied:..' "I am not altogether well, but I am better than .1 ws when I was worse than I now am."

Visitor: And so you're leaving Paris. Of course vou've been to the Louvre?" Fair American: Yes, I bought this collarette there. Visitor: Ah, no. T. mean the pictures, y' know. Fair -American: There, Mommer! I said then l was a gallery by that name!

■ Jinimin faced five): T!m goin' to hive a birthday party to-morrow, at 6 o'clock, 'cause T was born at 6 on the Ist of Mav. When were you born, Bobbie? Bobliie (aged six): T was luirn at 11 o'clock on . Jimmie: O-oh, Bobbie! You story! You know vour mother wouldn't let von sit up that late!

"1 toll you I won't have this room, 1 ' protested the old lady, to the hell hoy who was conducting her. "I ain't apoin' to pay my Rood monev for a nipsty with a measly little i'oldin' hod in it. If you think that iest because I'm from the oonntrv " Profonndlv disgusted, the hov cut her short. "f!et in. mum. Get in," he ordered. "This ain't yer room. This is the elevator.'"

Tlie hrakeman was a novice, and on his first run here there was a very steep arntlc mount. The engineer always had more or less trouble to get up this prade, hut this time he came near sticking. Ho almost lost his bond. li]vontuallv, 'however, lie reached the ton. At the station that crossed the tap, looking out of his cab, the engineer saw the new brakeman and sr'id. with n sigh of relief: "1 tell von what, my lad. we had a job Id ■*ot mi there, didn't we?" "We certa.inlv did," sr.id the new brakemnn, "ml if I h«du't put the brake on, we'd have slipt back."

LADIES' COLUMN. Social Doings for the Week.

(liy "GhelUe."'.) Mrs J- A. " f . t! "' E ™£ Hotel, is visitins H-iemLs in thv »mia. Air H. -T- Unwiu, from Greeiur-.ca-Uo«, Napier, ami Airs Ins Soarelle. Invercargill. arc ibe r u. ...s of Mrs Shirtcliifo for a short tune. Air and Airs Mackay have moved into the residential ot t~c Bank of New South W ales. - .i----whole interior has. been renovate.l and re-decorated throughout, ami some ot the rooms are carried out m sort colourings of blue. Mrs W. II- K- U*K (Chrisichureiu W Mr and Mrs G. Hamilton >,.».W.> are afc holidaying m Timan, - Ml d residing at Stuichbury lloi.x . Sarah Street. The latter are on « Slung tour »'.^ T Z intend going on to Mount took .a the end of next week. Amongst those who left for Chri.-t----ehurch to attend the carnival week festivities were—Air ana Airs Arthur Etworthy, Airs E. A. Lctreu, Misses Alav and Ethel Kerr, Airs George Bowker, Airs and the Misses Miles, .Mrs J. O'Brien. Air ami Mrs K. G. Tnmer, Aliss Turner, Airs and Altss AlcCahon. The following are gnosis at the Empire Hotel during the week—Mr and Airs Cooper (Dunedin). Air and Airs Lawson (Geraldine). Air and Airs \V. D. Hunt. Air and Airs Hail, T)r Cantrell (Invereargill), Airs Gurquire Air H. Studholme (Atholl. Southland*. Air R. Nicholson (Dunedin), Air R. K. Smith (Morver. Hills). Air P. L. Wright- (Dunedin). At the request- of the vestry of St. Mary's Church, the ladies of the Guild are organising a reception io enable the parishioners to bid farewell to the Ven. Archdeacon Harper, previous to his departure for England. and to meet his locum tenons. the Kev. Air Adams. The reception will he held in St. Mary's Schoolroom. on Tuesday, the 16th of November, from -i p.m. to 6 p.m.

Following close on the heels «>f the above function comes the garden party organised by the Society for the Promotion of the Health of Women and Children, to be held at "Faillie,'*' the charming residence of Mrs Smitbson. Thursday next is the day fixed for the function, which will extend on to the evening, when the large grounds will be brilliantly illuminated for the occasion. It is doubtful whether a more deserving entertainment of its kind lias ever been organised in Timaru, and it is .1 foregone ' conclusion that given fine weather Mrs SmitbsonV grounds will be thronged during next Thursday niternoon and evening. There will be plenty of amusement in various ways. including Highhland dancing ca'.-tpe-tifcions with pipe-music accompaniment by the Pipe Band. Many well-known ladies are to preside over the stalls and other business arrangements-. The grounds of "'Faillie"' .ire eminently adapted for a large function, and are within easy reach of town. I visited Christchurch at the end of last week for the purpose of being present at Hit-carton for, the New Zealand Cup. The dresses were dimply gorgeous, and although the famous function was somewhat marred by Jieavy rain just after the first race, I was enabled to obtain a splendid view of the d;-esses. A vivid flash of forked lightning heralded the downpour, in the midst of which the second race was run. • Shortly afterwards, the sky cleared, and the afternoon, though never brilliant, was pleasantly fine. The people, who had crowded into the spacious stands for shelter, returned timidly into the open, stepping with tentative feet on the damp grass. The lawn dried rapidly, and then the scene was Riecarton as it should !)C. The dress-

ing was exceptionally handsome, the /. prevailing colours being pale blue, peacock and saxe bine, very pale pink, cora! and vieux-rose, lilac, wisteria heliotrope, dnefc-egg green, sage and reseda green. To describe the mode of gown worn at Rfccarton on Saturday one word will suffice —" priiicesse." It was ■ " princessc " gown, here, there and everywhere. If some were not " princesse " they were < '•semi-princesse." It is gratifying to v,aie, however, that the very tightfitting, sheath-like princessc gown is giving place to one that is wider at the hem and altogether more graceful. The present style is more lifted for a good figure, and many most beautiful, as well as smart gowns, were to he seen. The princesse gowns are still fashioned with the panel back and . front, which styles seems to be greatly favoured at present, and in skirts. several were made with the yoke alone. { and pleats below. Coming to the subject of the materials of gowns worn at Biecarton, I noticed that nearly all had a. gleaming satin appearance, every gown seemed to glisten. Of course there were a number of satin gowns worn, whilst the new cashmaire-de-soie which has a lovely sheen very similar to satin, could easily be mistaken for the former lovely wearing apparel. Some lovely foulard materials were to he seen in* pretty shades of blue, and this delightful "material Jias also .1 beautiful .satin finish. Saturday was also notable for a' day of large hats, and in many instances it was quite difficult to see the face of the wearer, which is surely an unkind decree of Dame Fashions, especially as the glimpse one got of lovely hair and heauttfnl complexions, made one want to see more of them. Still there is r i tendency to turn the hats up at one si(?e. which is a decided gain to those wishing to see the face divine. Another item of dress favoured Tiy nearly every fashionable lady present was the feather stole and boa. Scarcely anv toilette seemed complete without one. matching either the gown or the colouring of the hat. Black picture hats held their sway too. thev have conn; to stay. Tt is a remarkable fa t that the colour which" is eminently suited to; the wearer in a gown is not. always Incoming over the fa;'f and vice versa. Amongst the very large and fashionable assemblage I enticed Mrs Arthur Ehvorihv looking very distinguished in a princessc gown of Saxe blue glace silk veil 1 :! m Saxe bine silk chiffon. Her lovely Saxe blue iras wreathed with pink roses arid finished with :•■ blue e.-prev. Mrs. George Kerr, beautiful trained Ernritre gown of dtc.-k-r-gg grewi silk, "green heck--; - shaped h-t wrealhed with titty pink roses. Mrs E. A. T.eOren. handsome gt.wn of black and v. h:te stri-ed silk. mauve ' picture hat. Mrs Wilkin, beautiful gown of brown ehareiouso sitin. bla<-k picture hat. Mks Jlav Kerr. lovely frock of nastel blue satin, blue hat "„ Btiite. Miss Ethel Krrr blue g!:>--Stlk. pale nink picture hat. Mrs -I. O'Brien, lovely gown ef r--.!- prry striped rhiffot, over glace -!k._ white picture hnt. nttb tour-lies ■".( !>!■>' k velvet. Mr- W. Midgrb-y (Hangi>-ra>. trained black gown of satin .-loth. black oicturc hat. Miv Oirno •Christen.irch). datnfv trainer! gown of white embroiderpd Swi- muslin, large bhv-1: hat wreathed with pink rose.--. Mis?

\ F.lder (Kaiapoi). ~" ''; uu ,■"!"-'' nir ;'. ( -'" :,,'rio "..wn rwn. bucket, hat, wreathif'wuh laVge r,.l -os Mrs. Gowor ~ i , ,i-,,.| w ..| m :i hoaiituul Saxo !.•;:;;•,!;;;" t „ a ,„. Mi. T ., num.. ...-.vy t:.il..r-nr.i«lo gou>is. heliotrope hats. Mrs Rue Cooke (TiinanO was hoautitilHv .„.wnod in white lac- over g ace 'i k and wore a largo black ami white , ;.u„ ( . 'hat. Mrs- George Bowkor iv -!v orinoosso "own of royal ' •Vum.M.so satin, blue picture l.at with ml.- ostrich feathers. Mrs Straehey wore ~„ handsome gown ot white louw : no silk, veiled m black ehant.lly l-i.-e V verv notable gown was worn hv Mrs \lex. Bovlc. It comprised a ohampagm- tinted nei[of a largo mesh mounted on glace silk, ami trimmed with l»vi'lv oriental embroidery and h<-.» Miss Rovle (who ihas recently returned from her visit to Lady Pluiiket at Government House. Auckland), liH>kcd well in * lovelv frock of Saxe Who chiffon taffeta. I noticed a. few Victorian bonnets worn with streamers, and inanv of the larger hats had streamers, principally of velvet ribbon. Airs Hav (Barbaroughfieldfc Tcmuka, wore a 'lovely priiicesse gown of reseda green louisine silk, boautiimly trimmed with cream lace. The skirt was made with a deep hem ami draped in front In- direetoirc.

A GERALDINE WEDDING. The marriage of Miss Skelly, lately with the firm of Messrs Morrison Bros.. Geraldine, and Mr "R. Lawson, of Napier, and formerly of Geraldine. took place on Tuesday afternoon, at St. Alarv's Church, Geraldine, the Vicar. Bov. Staples Hamilton, officiating. There was a large number present at the ceremony, the service being fully choral, on account of the bride bfing a long and valued member of the church. Mr Woodger filled the responsible nost of best man. The bride was very tastefully attired !.>r the occasion. Aft«r the ceremony, the wedding breakfast was held at the residence of Mr J. Mcllroy, the new'.vwedded pair leaving later for Napier. The ooudlo were the recipients of a large number of useful and viil r.ble presents.

PIGNIFIED BETHENCHAIENT. There are few women who have nothad at one time or another to face seriously the necessity for retrenchment in their household expenses. The wise woman faces the situation without fluster, and brings all her wit and common-sense to making that retrenchment, felt as little as possible. Each department of her household is investigated and reformed. Nor l; the reform mere whitewashing; it ruthlessly cuts out extravagances. It is surprising how much we can do without when it is tip to tis. What we need is to learn what are extravagances. When money is easy we sm-nfl it on things which add not at all to our actual comfort or content. These are the things that must go first when money counts.

The first step in less wasteful housekeeping is to know one's income. Many wives fall into extravagance because husbands are foolishly generous. They arc loath to say. "I cannot afford it," or pay bills rather than have a plain talk and an allotted allowance. Having learned the utmost one can spend on household expenses, arrange that spending by system. Divide the income into fixed parts and stick to them. In those parts be sure to have an emergency fund, and another portion, no matter how small, for recreation. The reason that retrenching is so bitter to many a woman is that she has a false idea that every penny siient on relaxation is extravagance. Leaks differ in different households, but in the average home the chief wastefulness comes in the kitchen and in the clothing bills. Food and clothes have a ferocious way of esiting up money.

.Retrenchment need not mean sordid meals and shabbiness. Because one can no longer afford elaborate dishes and Paquin frocks, it is not necessary to go hungry or unclothed. Most "retrencliers'' stint the eye as well as the stomach. Because they are cutting down, instead of taking greater, pains to serve plainer food daintily, they grow careless of the niceties -of living. Tt costs no more to set the table carefully for each meal, and if you have used flowers on the dinner table let them be the last thing to go. Remember the family will be less rebellious of economy" if their aesthetic sense is not hurt. Retrenchment in clothes must never be in style and cut. Put thought into how your clothes are made. Tf a woman does not look careless and out of date, no one but herself will know that her clothing allowance has been pitiablv cut. The "retrenchor" will also learn to buy suitable clothes and to save them when bought. The rich girl only 'Wi permit herself the luxury of neglecting her clothes.

In all other lines of retrenchment the same -principle holds. Cut, cut ruthlessly if needs be, but do not forget the importance of keeping up appearances. Depart as little as may be from the ways of a lifetime; simply order those ways more deftly; let prudence take the place of pounds.

THE RETICENT WOMAN. Any one not born a fool can keep silent on certain points, but it, takes a master mind to be able to talk and not" to tell. There is an art. the most consummate art. in appearing absolutely frank to the butcher, the baker, and the family cat. and yet never telling anything which it is not wished should be known. In being charmingly chatty and conversational, yet never committing oneself, is the gift of the woman who knows the value of the art of reticence. Caught bv her easy manners. her nonial talk, her ready sympathy, you have confided to her not only all of your own secrets-but all you have' of other people's as well. It is only long after, when you reflect quietly, undisturbed by the magnetism of her presence, that you come to the knowledge how reticent she has been in the midst of seeming frankness, and how little reciprocity there has been with your confidences. How yen hate her when you think with what skill she took all you had to offer and gave nothing hack. Perhaps it was a little ungenerous. But she had a right to argue that if voit could not keen your o\\ 11 counsel yon would not be likely to keep hers. For an ordinary woman to keep front telling her business is to invite an earlv death. By the time she has learned the art of reticence she is. readv to take her flight to the realms of the angels.

The woman who is reticent is usually in manners genial, frank, synipatehttc: iu substance, absolutely secretive, cautious, never taken olf her guard, as careful for her friends as for herself. No slander is ever traced to Iter, and wh-t she knows is as if it were not. These women are the salvation as the-- are th" charm of societv. never making mischief, by their habitual reticence uj> barriers at which cyiF-ips h*!t and rumours die. Thev do .not. make the clums.v '•itslal-.c of letting you see they arc Setter i.if.i'-tticd than vmi are on the s-th'-e, • and know mure current s.-an-dals of the dav than th.-y cb.....-e to reveal. O't the rontraiv. they listen to coni-c-ode mistakes with a bigblv edified air and leave v.. u elat-d with the idea

you have let, them in behind the. The'trulv successful business or professional woman must, be able to hold ill and hear all without betraying by word or look, by injudicious defence no more than by overt treachery. by anger at malicious accusation, or '>y a smile at an egregious mistake. She must know that her role is to be reticent, not exculpatory; to maintain silence, not set up a defence, nor yet proclaim the truth. To be able to do this requires a rare, combination of good qualities among which are tact and . self-respect in about equal proportions, and the power of hitting that fine line which marks off reticence from deception.