WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 14043, 29 October 1909, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

When a country friend met him at the show recently, and asked how he was. he replied: "l am not altogether well, but 1 am better than 1 was when 1 was worse than I now am." "If the King of England should die, who would be King:'*' "The Prince of Wales." "And if he should die, who would be King:-'* His mother turned the question off in some way. when the boy, with a deep breath, said: "Well, anyway, 1 hope ma won't try for it." Irate Overseer: "Mere. 1 say! What are you doing here? 1 gave you the sar-fx yesterday!" Battered Person: "Yes. 1 know you did. And don't you do it never no more. My missus went on somethink awful when she heard." "They tell me.*' said the new reporter, who was doing an interview, "that you have succeeded in forging your way to the front." "Sir," replied the self-made man, coldlv. "yu been misinformed. I am no forger." "Why don't you trv to drive that horse without profanity?" It wouldn't do any good," answered the canal boatman. "It ain't fair to the 'orse to ask it to start, at its time o' life to learn a lot o" polite words." American: "No, duelling isn't allowed in this country except with one kind of weapon." Parisian (eagerly): "Allah! Tell me ze name of zat weapon, so zc next time zc Americano insult me I know zat weapon." American (laconically): "Lawyers." -s. Upsome: "I saw you at the professor's lecture on flowers the other evening. How did you like it?" Mrs I'neuritch: "Oh, 1 liked it well enough when he stuck to his subject, but lie talked too much about the Orr kids. Who arc they, any way. and where do they live?" ' "Whaf' s the matter, John?" "Why. ma'am, a note from the master. in which he tells me that he's off on a little holiday ,and he wants nie to send his drawing materials along." "Well, and isn't that plain enough?" "Hardly, ma'am. I don't know whether to send his paint and brushes or a corkscrew." " 'Mr. Takashira. you compress the ladies' feet in your country, don't you?' "'Oh, no, madam: that is a Chinese custom,' said the Japanese. 'We Japanese allow our ladies' feet to growto their full size. Not that ' ".And he bowed and hissed in the polite Japanese way: "'Not that they ennld ever hope to rival yours, madam.' " Old Calhoun walked down the main street one morning in his best black broadcloth suit, with a white rose in his buttonhole and cotton "loves on his lnrg" hands. 'Why. Calhoun.' said tho barber, 'are von taking a holiday?' 'Dish yore.' said fie old man, in n stately voi'-o. 'dis'i vere :-m m-'b widen weddin'. sal.. .V»> snllyhratin' bit.' 'Rut your wi r o.' vaid fie harbor, 'is work'ig as usual. ' '-aw her at I'm tub as 1 came "lit. Whv is"'f she eeleb'ntill" toe?' 'Her.' said ("'•i|hni"i. mi«ri!'*. '«h« bain't "of „..n-;„' t„ ,]„ with it. She's mail fourth.'" THE TYPI-'WItITEK OIUL. The beautiful typewriter girl puffed out her golden pompadour nervously. "My speed'll increase, "Mr. Mec- — excuse me, Mr Wellington—my speed'll increase 30 or 40 per cent, every day." Broker Wellington frowned. The girl had taken his dictation slowly. .And. in a stern, sceptical voice, he said: "How so?" "It's your vocabulary that puts me out," slie examined. " "I had Mr. Mecrs' vocabulary very pat—'as per.' 'contents noted,' 'the same'—he only usnd about 300 words." Her flattering smile warmed the man like a sunbeam. "But von. sir, have a real literary style. 'Ben to submit.' 'our best attention.' 'slump.' 'bullish.' 'hypothecate.'—they're all new words to me. and, of course, T can't rattle them off very fast at first.. But just you wait. Say 111 dav after 'to-morrow. Then you'll see." "All business men have different vocabularies that their stenographers must get accustomed to, eh?" said the broker. "Yes. sir. fvj?»o largp. sonic s>"-ill." Atr"in her smile flattered bini. "Yours is lar"or*than most. T should sav ;t n-ns thirtv or fort'- words larger. Ileal literirv, T c-.'O it." "M'ss Hoskins. if there's—c - —n»v supplies you need. al3 you've got ti do is to psk," '•aid the literary broker, fatuously.—Tit Bits.