WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 14039, 23 October 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

•"Miss Emma, I love thee.'' "Well, now you are down on your knees you may as well tie my shoo laces."

Sunday School Teacher: " What lesson <le we learn from the busy bee?" Tommy Tnffnut: " Not to get stung."

!' Do you take this woman for better or worse?" "I do ' 3edge, I do. But'l hopes we kin kinder fir ike. an average."

"Poor chap! Everything lie .earns goes 011 his wife's back." , " Well, if you had seen her , at tho opera you wouldn't, think lie earned much." "Sued for a. breach, of promise,eh?" "Yes.'•! "Any defence?" "Temporary insanity; and I expect to prove it by the love letters I'wrote."

. " What, supports the sun in the heavens?" asked tlio country school teacher. " Why, its beams, of course,' replied a precocious youngster. The Teacher: " All your arithmetic problems are wrong. If this happens again your father/' The'l'upil: " But pa did 'm for me." " Do you think bee, stings cure rheumatism?" "No,'.' answered , Grandfather • Stubbs ; " but. they're mighty likely to make you forgot you've got it."

First Milkman: "I had an awful dream last night." Second Milkman: "What was it?" First Milkman; "I dreamt that somebody stolo my pnmp." ■ • Mother (crossly): "Freddie, haven't I told you that, you must not talk when I am talking?" Freddie: " But, mamma, you won't let me stay -up after you go to bed 1" "And did you enjoy your African trip major? How did you like the savages?" "Oh, they were extremely kind hearted. They wanted to keep me there for dinner."

Bessie: "Oh, Mabel.! I am in an a\vftil dilemma. I've quarrelled with Harry, and he wants me to send his ring back." Mabel: "That is ; too bad." Bessie: " That isn't the point; I've forgotten which is his ring." Lady: "Bub poverty is no excuso for . being dirty. Do you evgr wash your face ?' Tramp (with an injured.air): 'Par don me, lady, but I've adopted this 'ere dry-cleanin' process'as be in- more 'ealtliy and-'i-geenie." The- Employer^—Young man, I don't see liow, with .your salary, you can afford to smoke''such expensive cigars. The Employee—You're right, • sit —I can't. 1 ought to have a bigger salary. " v

Father—lt's singular that whenever I want ybu to marry a man you object, and whenever I do not wantv you to marry one you straightway insist on it. Daughter—Yes, and whenever' wo are agreed the man objects. :

Developing the idea of. truthfulness, a teacher asked the. question, "What is the best thing in ,the world to do, and at thg. same time the hardest?" A little girl raised her hand timidly. "Well, Emma?" . " v To get' married." "According to the paper," observed Mr. Goodwin; "-a man have lived a. year on beer alone." " Well, that's just' as it -should be," observed Mrs. Goodwin. iv' " Any man who lives on beer ought to be compelled to live alone.". , • '

. " More than -5,000 elephants a. year go to our piano keys,"- remarked the student boarder w lio had been reading-', 'scientific notes in. a 'patent, medicine almanac. . My . word!" ex-, claimed the land-lndy : - ifc-won--<<tM-ful what animals c;tn be "trained:,'-'lu" do!" ■ . ■' ' An old lady; accosted by «i heggat of the haughty type, gave the fellow a ha'penny. The beggar, holding the coin in his.dingy palm, looked at it., " What..d'ye think I'm a-goin' to do. with this?" lie. growled. "Oh, keep it, " said the old lady, sweetly. "Keep it an' gie't tae the lirst puir body'y' meet." , ' * *

_"I liave a chance to marry a poor girl whom I love, and the opportunity of wedding a rich woman whom I do not love. What would you -advise ?" asked a man of his closest frined, "Love is the salt of life, my hoy!" was the reply- "Without it all else is aught. Love—pure love—makes poverty wealth, pain a joy,; earth, a Heaven !" "Enough! I wilL marry the poor girl whom I love!" declared the first, speakar. "•'* Bravely, spoken!" rejoined his friend. "By the way," Jio added, "would you—er—mind introducing me to the rich woman whom you do not love?" :

A good Abdul,Hamid-story is going the rounds of the English papers. On one occasion a personal: friend of - tho ex-Sultan complained t tti liim, that, having ventured to take a .peep at the ladies of the royal harem, the eunuch in attendance had violently, assaulted him.» Abdul Hamid listened attentively, and then quietly- /.replied, -'.'My dear —, you are a gentleriian. Now no gentleman : would be ..guilty,';of- .taking such a liberty, as you say you dulged in, consequently you, never were guilty of so acting. .Therefore) .. you were not assaulted, and the whole, incident is but sin exort of the imagination and' never occurred.. • This being so, we may dismiss, the matter jrom our minds." . And-then he—abruptly changed the subject. -- •• •