"Rule XXIV."

Timaru Herald, Volume XIC, Issue 14003, 11 September 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

"Rule XXIV."

(By ,C. H. Bovill.)

Every club has its tyrant—some blustering Johnsonian, spirit, who has the windows shut when everybody else wants them open; to whose requirements the waiters pay . an. amount of attention given, to no other member; to whose hands Punch and tlio' evening papers come with wrappers unbroken ; for whom the chef prepares his most delicious plats; but in John Winterbotham Mumper the Misogynists'' Club possessed a tyrant compared to whom all other club -bullies are" models of ■ Christian self-abnegation. It was worth, being a member of the Club, apart from. • the' exceptional comforts and advantages, is undoubtedly. ■ afforded," .to enjoy the half-plea-surable, half-sickening feeling of uneasiness—[Comparable only to the sensation just before denouement-of a Grand Guignol'horror—that came over one when the bauds of the: Club clock pointed to 4.15. At that moment, no later and no earlier, Mumper's gross, unwieldy frame might daily be discerned labouring up: the front steps. /Jhe hallporter flung' open the door with a flourish; waiters hurried forward obsequiously to relieve Mumper of his hat and coat. From that hour until lie left, which ho did with unvarying punctuality at 11.15, the Club ceased to be a commonwealth; it became instead a . Feudatory State, trembling at the lightest nod of the despot, Mumper, , By what'virtue .did Mumper rule with a rod of iron a club whose roll of members, included all that was best and brainiest in the bacheroldom of Britain? , The answer is ■ simple: Mumper' was the rudest man in Xondon. Thwart : Mumper ever, so slightly in one of his whimsj venture -to differ in the smallest . particular from the dogmatic and entirely erroneous opinions he laid down upon every topic under the sun. and he was at your throat in an- instant. No mortal could stand before the flood of abusive lava which at the smallest provocation ,he ■ invariably erupted. Cabmen had been known to gallop off without:even waiting for their legal fares when Mumper began to talk.to them. Liftmen on the tube railways never dared to tell, him : to stand clear ■of the gates or .to stop smoking. Even young women in .' post-offices abandoned their gossip when Mumper told , them ,he wanted a half-penny stamp in a.hurry. He made a very good living out- of his rudeness, too. Mumper was the author of; those astounding books, "Our Awful Actors,'' '' The Contemptible Clergy," "Loathsome London," and others of the same type which, though forgotten now, created at-the. time an unearthly hubbub by reason of the vitriolic fury... of. the comments made by their author on the - men and women whom, utterly indifferent to the law of libel, he mentioned. Mumper was capable -of writing ... a book entirely devoted-, to: the short-, comings of the creature so fortunate as to incur his displeasure. Vide that scarifying work, "Drivelling Dramatists,'"' one. long expression, in < wasp-, isli prose, of the envy aroused in Mumper's breast by. the meteoric rush to fame of Jno. A. Bates, the foremost plavwriglit of our time. Of course, Bates did not take his eastigation Iving down. .. By way-of retaliation lie wrote a play in which Mumper as the central figure ; was 'made to go through a series of- degrading and : laughter-provoking ad.--TpntureSj-ending, —l-remember rightly J with Jiis death by .drowning in a cesspool. Unfortunately the Censor refused to permit its ; performance; whether he was influenced at all in his decision- by the receipt of a letter of protest from -Mumper, accompanied bv the- draft scheme of a work -to ihe " entitled Our •.Senseless Censor;" ■ I cannot say. The fact remains thiit Bates's' play never, saw the light; and Mumper abandoned the idea of a book which promise<l to be mpre than, usually startling. . • . ... Baulked of his revenge in this direction, Bates set to work in another'. - ' 1 : : • .

. "The ; -Misogynists' Club, I may remark, was one ol the most comfortable in London; and Mumper certainly enjoyed its advantages to an infinitely greater extent than any other mem-; ber. His expulsion, a desirable thing in itself for the ..sake of the other members, • would for,, hini probably prove -a blow from - which lie would never recover. Shoogray, the popular young tenor at the-Mercury Theatre, warmly, supr ported "the motion for Mumper's expulsion. That very afternoon Shopgray had beetu informed by Mumper that lus singing resembled, nothing; so much as the noise which a mouse that had last its way in a Gorgonzola cheese might make; and Shoogray felt very sore. . . . ' There is a limit to all things, Bates . declared to his sympathetic listeners; " and Mumper, has reached .it. Ho has become unendurable. We must- get rid of hini." '' I quite agree with you that Mumper' is unendurable," said Wybrantz, who only the day before had been, informed" by' Mumper that ho • un-' doubtedly talked more rot than any young ass of iiis age in London; " but as to- getting rid of him —that's a»different matter." _ As a briefless barrister : of , several years' standing - Wybrantz felt entitled to speak with authority on the .legal aspect of the question. "I confess I don't see how it is going to be done. The Club , rules are so sloppily drawn; we haven't the power to expel u- member simply because he happens to be generally obnoxious." • O'Halloran, smarting under the recollection'of an assertion by Mumper' that he had obtained a free passage from Ireland by mingling unobtrusively with the cargo being embarked on a Belfast pig-boa 1., broke in with the suggestion: - " Let us'all threaten to leave the Club unless Mumper goes." " What is the good of that?" asked Wybrantz peevishly. " That wouldn't have the slightest- effect on Mumper. He. doesn't want our society. He wouldn't care twopence if 110 never saw any of "11s again. Be knows perfectly well that if we were all to resign in a- body there are hundreds of men-in London who would be only too delighted to rush in and fill our places. Look at the Candidates' Book; it's absolutely crammed witlr names of fellows waiting years for election." "Then so far as I can see," said Shoogray' gloomily, " our only chance of getting rid of Mumper is to induce him to commit a breach of Rule XXIV. He must go if he does that, I take it?" ,'y ■•Absolutely," asserted Wybrantz. "The rule is quite explicit. 'Any member who gets married shall immediately be expelled from the Club and shall be precluded for ever after foir entering the premises on;any pretence whatever.' And, of course, there's the leaving fine of fifty pounds as well."

"Then our course is quite obvious," said Bates. "We must get Mumper married." * "Absurd!'* "Don't talk rot!" "Don't be idiotic, Bates!" came in a chorus from every side.

Everybody,..had somo insuperable obstacle to suggest against. the . accomplishment of .such; a task.. Bates was not to be shouted down, liowever. More impossible creatures than ■ Mumper, he declared,, had found .. women willing to be made miserable by them. "I'll go" further than that," Bates averred stoutly. "Mumper is just the kind of blustering bully.that a certain type of woman actually prefers. Now, can anyone tell me whether Mumper, in his lighter moments, frequents any sort of female society P" There was a unanimous .declaration of opinion on the part of all present that Mumper liad not- spoken to- a woman since. the year 1874, at which, dato he had'been involved in- a particularly humorous breaeh-of-promise action, the other protagonist being' an entirely unprepossessing barmaid at. a City luncheon resort. ■ ' - -"He : lias , a lady secretary, however," interjected' Dart-forth,-- who, as a purveyor of personal chit-chat to-a journal boasting a larger circulation amongst domestic servants than any other society paper in England, knew more about other' people's affairs than they did themselves. "I.saw her once when I called one day. (uninvited,' I may mention), at Mumper's house. He was dictating one of the blackguardly books to her. He introduced me to her as 'Miss Grierson, ■my secretary.'• She lives at the house.", " A lady secretary 1" exclaimed Bates delightedly. He had had : some experience himself of lady secretaries. "Come, that sounds more ,- hopeful. Elderly men like Mumper often fall victims to their.secretaries. "Gome, that sounds more hopeful. Tell me, Dartforth, did she strike you as a designing hussy ?" ~ ■ " Well, yes—on the whole she did," admitted 'Dartforth. " Not young, .you know, but distinctly designing." " Where . does* Mumper live?", demanded Bates.

When, on the following afternoon, Mumper's ; secretary • •cu'mct > stiffly . into the room to interview 'him, Bates was conscious of., a'certain feeling of . disappointment. There had, no doubt, | ; at some time or other, been the nu-clens.-of a. very attractive- looking | younsr woman .about Miss Grierson, but i the idea, had not',been skilfully worked. I outV A* the present moment the b.itI tery of her charms was rather too ef[facively: masked. : | " Hopeless," said Bates .to himself, I after a brief inspection of her various angles. . . ''"\V j " What'll ye ho I Miss Grierson abruptly,, coming to the i point with a praiseworthy - absence ;of curiosity as to the state of, her visiI tor's health .or any 'superfluous.. commentary on the weather. Miss Gricr-, I son was a daughter of Caledonia stern and wild, and the untamed ferocity of her manner rather unnerved Bates, who was more accustomed <to-the amei nities of musical-comedy..society. '* '* Er " lie began; and then stopped short, .beaten to > silence by the 'complete ab'sence of'encouragement in Miss Grid-son's start, which had-some-thing of the quality- of her employer's aspect when he was. about to make La more than usually unpleasant , remark. Hates begun to wish he liad i not" pressed the: others to leave the concluct of. this affair to him. ('' Leave everything to me,- hoys,! I know how to manage women !") ; There , was. a, novelty about-Miss Grierson's type which was- foreign to his experience, largo as that experience was. j Miss Grierson was obviously growing impatient., ; v , "I have your card,' she' snapped, holding Bates's inolfensive paste-board between her linger and thumb,., and looking Itt<"il if duchess might I look at a pawnticket j " but I don't know ye."-' - .: „ ' .

" Ip^l— I'm one of Mr Mumpers friends;" stammered Bates, flabber-, gasted to- think that, - his name should be unknown to anyhody in tho British Isles,' and making a mental - note to siieak- to his advertising agent about it on the morrow-. '• We belong to the same Club. ■Haven't: you, ever heard him speak of me ? I'm BatesBates, the dramatist'.", "Oh, ay—the body Mr Mumper has made ijiich fun .of in the last book," said Miss Grierson, a kindle of recognition in-her eyes. jNtaii, he pasted, ve line in von!' "■ " Hatlicrreplied Boaes, forcing-n. hearty. laugh at the; recognition of. Mum|>er's comic- efforts. " But., bless yon, J don't-mind .that a. bit. _ Old Mum. and I are the best of friends., He would do. anything, for me, and I ■was-do anything ■ for liim.". " r , : " Would ye nowremarked , Miss Grierson acidly. ■ . ; , . " YoSy indcod I would* Gnorson," asserted ..Bates fervently. "In fact-, it is , for that very reason ■ that I have ventured to call, beie -to-day. May I sit down while 1 explain?" , t 1 "If ye like-," was Miss Grierson s gracious answer. She . showed, however, 110 signs ,of taking a seat • her- ■ Bates carefully deposited liat and stick on the-floor, and, pulling a chair forward, sat down. ; - , "Miss Griei-son," lie began 'inipres-. sivelv "Fin not at alljiappy; m my. mind' 'about dear old Mumper," ' . "In your what ?" interrupted , Miss Grierson., v r> x ■ • "In .my.' mind,-"- repeated Bates, v a. little uncertain whether Miss Gnerson's remark-was the outcome of iiardness' of hearing or of prolonged association with her employer. , ".L m very worried about Mumper. He is not the man he was." '• Is that so?" Anything less anxious than vlie secretary's tone could less be ..imagined. "It is so,-1 am sorry to say, rntes went on, nodding his head sadly.. "I ve noticed itl for some tiiiie. ; so have all Mr Mumper's other friends. He has hosts of them, you know. \vo have all noticed it. But, I ,' inl , t ' onlv one who lias; lound out the true cause for the change which we .so .mucli d< "'" Av, Ve look an inquisitive body," was tiie kindly explanation Miss Grierson had to offer. - V 1 " Yes I know," proceeded Bates, affecting not to know the somewhat, unusual quality of his .listener versation "1 know. Dear old Muni, has no secrets from me. Antl J. in going to be guilty—for the first tune in my life, Miss Grierson—of a breach of confidence. I'm going.to tell yo.u. what is the matter with my.dear old friend." . - -ii, " Indeed, I ken fine what it w, without your telling-, me," sniffed M?ss Grier, with,a toss of her head. it,s sitting night after night at your C ub taking nips 'and listening to the clash of half the young fules m London. That's what it is.' . " You're right, Miss Grierson—vou'ro perfectly right!" cried Bates, as if lost in admiration of her perspicacitv. '■ But 1 you have only guessed half the. trouble. Mauy and many _a' time I have said to Mumper, Old man, this .life is killing you,; Why don't you chuck it? You're not mea.nt for this sort .of thing,' I've said. 1 Your proper place after the toils >of the day is by your own fireside, with your handsome wife smiling at you ■from her chair, your little bonny bairns playing artlessly round your knee—"And did you say all that to John Mumper ?" said , Miss Grierson in> astonished accents. "Man, ye must have a grand constitution to stand it!" ■

• "To? starid, what?" - Misft Grierson. • "Why,, iiis answer when ye talked to, him iu that bletlierin' fashion t D'ye mean .to say he didn't hhmmer the floor ye?" - " Ali, . that shows how little you really know of Mumper." murmured Bates -witli gentle-smile. • "Shall I tell you , *wliat lie said to mo once, when I,asked Jlirti point-blank wily he didn't marry 'and ,enjoy tlio society of a wife, instead, of lasting,his existence in tho company of-tipplers and loafers on Life's ! highway ? Shall I toll you? Yes, I will." ■ "Ay, I would greatly liko to hear what.'-lie .answered/': . "He said 'B., 'old son, I'd get.married to-morrow if I could;; but there's only ono woniaii in'the .world for me, and slie . would, never look at me. I'd never.'have 'the courage to ask her.' That's" what Mumper- said to. me;" . Por. tho first time since ho had entered tliqi' house Bates become sensible that h'o was' arotise tho stern-faced; secretary's interests Her eyes grew : big with" wonder, or! some emotion. .- Her astonishment was so intense' that she, liad to sit down. " Jolid ■'Miimper told yo.u lio loved a woman!" she exclaimed; "I winna believe it!' it's a black lee 1"

'Vl.wisb it w-ere .a-r-an untruth, Miss said Bates; hastily substituting "untruth" for the word the secretary' had employed. He'did not do this from motives" of. delicacy, but because.-; he was- not! sure that Miss GrierSon might not take it amiss if he prouounced "lie " in his own fashion rather than in that , which sho seemed to favour. " I tvish it were an untruth. But' love' is what "is the matter with dear old Mumper. That's ■•: what is wearing him to a shadow: He lis eating • his heart out - just because lie's afraid to speak. I've begged him to put his fate to the test and asked the lady-boldly ,to be his. ' I . , can't,'B;, I can't 1' he always answers'. , 'I haven't 'the' pluck.' That.'is his nature,, you ■ know. ■ Proud, reserved, shy ! ' He'll 'hever .open his mouth to the girl unless he v receives an almost ! ■ \inmaidenly amount of encouragement . froth her. That's, wliy I have come to' you t'ordaV, Miss GriersoA—to throw , myself' OA your mercy; .to implore your kindness. for one .of-. the finest fellowp ever: stepped i'l' ,L To ( mep" asked Miss Gperson, , wonderingly, ' " Yesj'to you I" cried Brites. "Will you-- promise me that you Wil never re- v veal to Mumper that it. -was. I who betrayed' his secret vto yotl P" Miss. Griersonynodded. ;■?Vet;y .well, I rely -,- \ on thnlb promise. 1 ' It is you Mumper loves." . t Miss Grierson i started -as if ■ she .has; . ' been ■ etunjj, ; and •a, little hysterical laugh escaped her."• *A wAve-of sym-V pathy .welled up in Bate&'s bosom. Poor, 4 creattiVe, he,thought. The shock of . imagining x someone in love with her. has been', too much. .« " Do; yo.u mean; to:, tell, -me, young man;- demanded .Miss Grierson, after- - she- lia'd recovered from' )ter stupefaction, "that Jolift Mumper told you that >he-loved< "If.e .did, indeed, . Miss Grierson, , to. have ,heard hotf he went on About you. i His darling, his pinlc pearl, the rose of his life.!' Bates said- this' without moving a muscle. . That' was wjiero his wellknown, fondness, for angling stood him in such good' stead. •' • • Miss - 'Grierson favoured- him for, some ; moments "with a ■ look' of interrogation so piercing that;.BateS: was seized withan irresistible desire to study the 1 ,, , flora and fauna of the neighbourhood as visible from Mumper's drawing-.< room window. He was recalled fm,*u , Ins ' scientific; investigations by tlio, harsh- voice :<if, MJsS Gtierson saying: - "YourjgSman,->ye'll,-coroc to a mi-, serable end." : . • "Oh. never mind me!, said Batps , ; cheerfully. "It's Mumnet;. I am con-, cerndd about. Now, can't ' you v'be .the' swl?et- good'-iifttured wo- : 'man I kno\SNyou must be to have won his dove, hiid' Rive the poor fellow, a littleicincbiiragemisnt P' For my sake, for liia sake of all his . friends who love Mumper better than themselves,' Avon't you' have pity on liim?"' /" ~ ' ." /: Bates contrivedto Unfpse_ into lus nlendjitg an amount of intensity which, ; had -it been - exerted jn one of lii?own dramris<..\would > infallibly havo lifted him i>ito the verv front rank of - matinee ddols; it. was 'deafly, not. without effect the heart of MLss- Griersoh." Sbe began to show distinct signs of " l)o-you think, it would realty wake Mr Mumper happy to he married to me?" she asked,,. With/a'coy, -maidenly 1 look out of tho edrner of her eye at ~ Bate*. ~ ' • ■' " " Hajjpy,? Happy isn't the, word for it! He'd be in hehvenl" satisfying his conscience AVith the inward reflection that it was indeed, not ~ improbable that spell of matrimony with, Miss Grierson jvould. have, some-such - ettect-, jiponi'-Atumpe L i>y-pro« , vided,' of course, .that his principles wefo quite sound. s " And what' sort of encouragement wild-.ye think ought Ito give Ithe poOr man? " " ~ -i ' ji "Oh, you must , regularly 1 throw yourself ajb him,-if you will.excuse tho ; , expression," was Bates's reply. You liavo no idea- liow. s|ijr hj& is witli wo- . men. I aril afraid you „trill practically have to do the- proposing. I doubt' if Mumpfer evetl 1 knows tl.e accdpM formula." - "Oh, I cudna. do,that 1" "Well, perhaps I hdVe>ather overstates the case," and , Bates, anxious not ,to alarm - unduly- the Unwitting; m-,, strumont of- liia vengetitice. But whnt I wa|at yon to ,undferatAnd is, tliot , Mumper -will want a lot of |what I ( might call- management to hring him , to the~er—point., You must exercise all your feminine cliatm. - Make ,yourself' irresistible that 6ven his timidity would not be able to prevent hum throwing himself at your feet. . ; Some of Bates's optimistic/, enthurtasm seemed to have communicated itself to his" listener; for, instead ot being appalled by .the magnitude of tho contract implied ill,tlio, that sho should make herself' tible, Miss Grierson looked at lum.very, „ kindly, and; said .that' without, mok- . ing' any 1 " promise 'she v'ould, think the ~ matter-over. _ . n flaked took an effusive farewell, ou-, taining permission to .call- .again in a week's time to see, what progress, iE any. had".been made, 1 ~ During the next sovett: ■ days state of affairs at the - Misogynists Club'' wai comparable ohly , to • mat, whicli/ might exist in , iv,' fennel hounds outside, which .a fox wad ta.c-, {rip- an evfenihg stroll. . The members had, been thrown mt6 a condition of the wildest • delirium -by Bates's report of his embassy. Mumper's Arrival on the ' following afternoon wa* awaited with feverish eagerness I Everyone was panting to ,-'See whether thei-e Would be any signs about luni of haWng had a 'sevoro .struggle during: the day against tli4 blandishments of & his secretary.'. .Of course, it was a little difficult to make a, satisfactory examination of his JefttUteS. as no ono hail tho eourago to ,100k i at Jam ror more tlian two consecUtiVo seconds; and. mdny furtivo glances which taken iit tlio unconscious victim cUiring tho evening* scarcely tfieldud snin- , cieiit data on whibh to form a diagnoS ' S 6no incident, lioWevef', raised ' tl\o r hopes of the conspiratoTd Mumper, on goiiig iftti> the realingv'

room, liad paused before the ;hnr m which Bates, trembling in every Imb, was sprawling, and had favoured the dramatist with a glare of peculiar malignity. Bates, not daring to look up. wondered whether Mi&ir Grierson had betrayed him. If so, it was to lie regretted that lie iiad no heavier weapon of defence against the wrath to com© than' the "Sketch." The "Saturday Review" would at least liave been something. ' However, to his relief, Mumper said nothing, beyond remarking pleasantly that the fancy waistcoat which Bates was wearing was a contravention of the rule requiring "Silence" in. the readingroom. Onco or twice again during the evening Bates fancied Mumper was looking at him in rather a curious way: but as the old bnlly said nothing more than ordinarily uncivil, there was 110 clue as to whether he was awaro of the conspiracy. Bates found,the Miss Grierson upon whom lie called a week later a very different person from the formidable creature who had stricken terror to his heart at their first meeting. She received him with as much cordiality rs her somewhat dour nature was capable of exhibiting. ■ To bo sure that was not much—lime-juiced cordiality would be about the Srindliest description that could be applied to it—but it was ob- , viously very well meant. She even went- so far as to ask if lie would carf for a cup of tea. The dramatist declined her hospitable offer: tea, Tie felt, was scarcely adequate to the crisis. . "Well?" He threw a world of meaning into the monosyllable. "I've been encouraging him," said Miss Grierson witli a slicht smile. "And this morning he spiered." "Did he!" exclaimed Bates unaware that under the stress of _ excitement Miss Grierson was. relapsing into the vernacular of her native-land. . His eye wandered uneasily towards an assegai ornamenting - the will,, and lie had a horrid vision of Mumper, stung to Berserk rage. hy. the assault on- liis celi- . bacy, dealing out death and destruction. • • " Ay, he spiered,"- Mi?s Grierson went on ignorant-of the interpretation being placed upon, her words; "he spiered me threo times." "Good- God!" cried Bates. - '"You weren't badly hurt, I hope?". • ."What, way would 1- bo hurt?" askied the. secretary wonderingly. . "The man spiered me, as I'm saying; but I said I'd let liim know <tlio morn'smorn." A light began to break in upon Bate's mind. was, to a certain extent free-, if her he asked eagerly. "'Yes,' I hope? I trust it will bo 'yes.' " ■' " No," replied Miss Grierson doggedly. " I've been thinking it over; and I've come to. the conclusion that I canna marry John Mumper.' "But my dear good lady!" implored Bates, almost frantic at the thought of his carefully laid scheme going agley when it. had been brought so near to ' success., ." I beg of you to consider what yon. arc doing! You will ruin Mumper's life if you refuse him now. Think of what it will mean to him—and to us, his friends! We could not bear to see him pining away—it would break our hearts! Besides, after leading him on—as you seem to have done—it would be absolutely criminal to dash his hopes!,' "I did wrang to encourage him," admitted' Miss Grierson remorsefully. " But yonr're to blamo for'that more than me." In vain did Bates plead. " ; Miss Grierson Was adamant in.her rpsolve. She could not marry John Mumper. She conld not make herself dependent on any. man. A secretary was, to a certain extent, free if her employer became unbearable she could leave him and seek another, a course unfortunately not passible with a liusTband. . . •.. - •

"If I had some-siller o' my ain," sho said,~ " though it was only fifteen shillings a Week. that would be .a different matter altogether; hut I cudna bring myself-to he ljpholden to ony man for every bite of hread that passed imr lip®. That's why I?ni going to say •No' to John Mumper." " Don't be in a hurry abont that, JLss Grierson," urged Bates, who during the foregoing speech had hern unpaged in some mental arithmetic of j* complicated character. * "Give yourself plenly of time to consider ; and jusf let us bo- clear on. one point. Am, 1 'right in understanding you to say that" ' if vou had—how much was it? Fifteen shillings a week .of your own—you wrtuld marry dear old Mumper?"

. "Ay, that was what- I said," an -swered Miss Grierson, sadly. "JJut I havena got it, and-jso there's an end o' it." ; ' , . Bates did: Bome more linlitmng calculation; at tho end of which lio said to her impressively'; -- " As a personal favour to n»jself and —er —Mumper's other friends, I. beg, • Miss Grierson, that you. 'will abstain from giving him his answer; till,you i hear from me again,' As he made his way back to the Club, Bates wondered, -whether his fel-low-members' dislike* of MuAper would make them run to it.. Fifteen shillings a week, fco far as he could reckon, rc- ; presented a capital siim of about a . ■ thousand pounds.-. It. was a -large - amount -to raise, but he would encourage them witha personal subscription of twenty-five poimds. ~-There , were nearly five hundred otfier members, and when . they once appreciated . the fact that, a beggarly subscription o£ two pounds a head would relieve them from the necessity of ever, seeing Mumper's face again, Bates felt no douht that, the money would be, forthcoming. ' He was right. The amount was overr subscribed Defore tho list .had- been open a week. Members'* who had not paid their subscriptions for years dashed up to, Bates and pressed cheques into his hands. it was wiittt a heavy purse and a light heart that the emissary paid his tiurd surreptitious visit to Miss Grierion. Xhe sight of so much siller r removed ,the last trace of the secretary's maidenly scruples. .Bates gave her to understand tnat the money. wa» to bp a wedding present from tho members of the Club to the bride of their dear old comrado.- " The rules of the Club," explained Bates witli much delicacy, "will not allow us to recognise his marriage before it place ; but directly you . cad show me your lines, dear Miss Grierson, 1 shall have the greatest pleasure in handing you this cheque for a thousand pounds." " Let's have a* that doon on a wee bit paner," said Miss Grierson briskly.. "Ye might change your mind when it wud bo too late for nic to change my came back again."- - Down on a piece of paper it was all pnt, in Miss Grierson's own clear handwriting; and so that everything might be in due form, she called the cook and housemaid up from the kitchen to attest Bate's signature at the foot of the document, which bound him to turn of a thousand pouikH to Miss .Tane Grierson so soon as she brought him satisfactory proof that she was Mrs Jane Mumper. "11l tak« that round to Somerset JTonse in mominr " said Mi?* Grierson. folding up llie pa|H.r and locking it securely away iu hrr <lcsk. Bates smiled a tittle nervously. Mi<js Grierson's vcrv business-like methods were disconcerting. ' .. "Yon r"cd not be afraid. !•« "--'ifl. "We shall bo only too drligdtwl to offer you this small present as a token

of <iur sense of what you have done for dear, old Mumper." Sea reely a week had gone by when amongst tlic letters awaiting liim at the Club Hates found oiio the contents of which made him utter a shout -that brought everyone within hearing to ills s'dc. " llead that!"' lie cried excitedly, waving- the enclosure on blue paper o\cr his head.

The note was signed "Jane Mumper." The enclosure was a marriage certificate.

Glancing at the latter only long enough to satisfy himself tliat tlie bridegroom's name was really "John Winterbotham Mumper," Bates tore up to the reading-roi)m, half the Club at his heels. They found Mumper lying back in his favourite chair, with his feet 011 another. Stacked round him was a pile of daily, evening, and weekly papers. "Mumper!" roared Bates iiis voice hoarse with triumph. "Get out of that chair! Get out of the Club, and kindly leave a cheque for fifty pounds before you go!" Mumper put down his paper and looked calmly at Bates over the top of his spectacles. "Go on, Bates," he said, "talk. So long as you do not put your, remarks in the form of dramatic dialogue 1 do not mind what blithering nonsense vou enunciate."

"This isn't nonsense. Mumper!" shouted Bates aggressively. The knowledge .of what was written on that piece of bine paper lent him a courage which not even the sight of Mumper's ferocious calm could dispel. " You have broken Rule XXIV;! Clear out of this Club! You're married. Wo have proof!" He waved tlic certificate under the other's nose. Mumper rose from his chair; and Bates and the others present shrank back instinctively. Instead of falling upon them, however, Mumper went and rang the bell. "Get mv coat and hat," he commanded, when the waiter appeared; "and tell Wilkins to call me a cab." As tlie waiter hurried off to obey his" order, Mumper turned to Bates and said in silky tones: '" Youthful gander, you think you have been extremely clever. But favour me by looking at the date of that certificate in your hands." Bat"s scanned the document hurriedly and nearly exploded. "Why." be stuttered furiously, " it's Julv the 18th. 1887!" "Quite right," chuckled MunuK'r. " I have been married for twenty-two years to the lady whom you know as Miss Grierson. For reasons which may suggest themselves, e'vn to your limited intelligence, ,1 did not mention the fact." "Good God!" groaned Bates. "Tl'"i? we might .have fired out of . the Cl"b twentv vears ago?" "You might indeed!" cooed M-in-pcr, going over to the door, at "-h -v tlie waiter had just with hi. c coat and hat.' "And without naying ni"" 1 u'nd**"! and putr'U for the privilege cither. Good dav!"