WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13991, 28 August 1909, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

First Farmer (pointing to the flaring horn ou an automobile): What's that thing for? Second Farmer: Thet's th' thing they blow; jes before they run y' down! "My boy," said a baker to a Scottish laddie, was complained of the quality of his pies, "I made pies before vou was born." "Ay," said the youngster sadly, ''this J3 ane «>' them." Lawyer: You say yon left home on the 10th? Witness:* Yes, sir. And tamo back on the 25th? Yes, sir. What were you doing in tho interim ? Never was in such a. place I "Sir," exclaimed the customer, who thought he had been overcharged, "have vou any sense of honour?" " I'm. sorry," said the/ druggist, from force of habit, "I have not, but I have something, just as good." " For my part I don't see any more harm in a game of cards that in a game of chess." "But consider the associations." "What associations?" "Whv, at chess you play with two bishops, while at cards you play with four knaves." "That will do," said an irate lady to her Irish "general." "You will leave now and you needn't bother me about a recommendation." "Faix," replied the girl, "Oi have no intin<tion of givin' ye a recommindationOi'U tell the truth about ye to ivery girl thofc axes me." "Will you take tart or pudding?" asked papa of Tommy. "Tart," said Tommy, promptly. His father sighed as he recalled the. many lessons on manners he had given the boy. " Tart, what?" he queried, kindly. But Tommy's eyes were glued on the pastry. "Tart first," answered Tommy, triumphantly. When the stage manager dared intimate to the leading lady that nobody in real life walked the way she was walking, he met with' the scorn his impudence merited. "The mission of the stage," exclaimed the artiste, with fine feeling, "is educational I W T ait until I've toured the provinces about once, and everybody will bo walking ihat way!" There was an elopement a short time ago from a suburb, and after a brief honeymoon the bride returned to the parental roof._ "And you will give us your blessing?"- she asked. "Freely," replied the okl man; "no trouble about the blessing, but board and lodging will be at regular rates." "Rastus," said the solicitous employer, "Didn't I warn you against the dangers of impertinence?" " Yassir." " Didn't I tell you not to drink anything stronger than ginger ale?" "Da's de word dat done bother me. I couldn't remember that geralc part. I done my bes', but all I could recolleck were de first syllable." _.

THE PESSIMIST; A yankee poet, who urges people to lie cheerful, in "Ben King's Verse" thus limns the pessimist: — Nothing to do but work, Nothing to eat bub food, Nothing to wear but clothes, To keep one from going nude. Nothing to comb hut hair, Quick as a flash 'tis gone; Nowhere to fall but off, Nowhere to stand but on. Nothing to breathe hut air, Nowhere to sleep but in bed, Nothing to weep hut tears, Nothing to bury but dead. Nothing to sing but songs, Ah, well, alas! alack! Nowhere to go but ont, Nowhere to come but back. Nothing to see but sights, Nothing to quench but thirst, Nothing to have but what we've Thus thro', life we are cursed. Nothing to strike but a gait; Everything moves that go*. Nothing at all but common sense Can ever withstand these woes-