WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13979, 14 August 1909, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Husband: What a debt we owe to medical science! Wife: Good gracious, haven't you paid that doctor's bill vet ;"

Stont Lady (in theatre, to youth who has asked her to remove her hat): Sit- still. The play isn't fit for a .boxlike vou to see!

■ Alistress: Look here, Susan, I can write my name, in the dust upon this table! Susan: Ah, mum, there's nothing like cddieafcion, is there, mum i

Disgusted Diner: You ongllt not to have killed this fowl. Restaurant Proprietor: Why. sir? Disgusted Diner: You've robbed it- of an old-age pension !

Aim Bmikerhill: Have you read Scott's novels? Airs Laker: All except. his " Emulsion." I have seen it advertised, but 1 have never lieen able to get a copy. "Do yon. know that your chickens come ovetr into my garden"l thought they must be doing that." "-Why do you think so?" "Because they never come back!" Dnmley: I'm sure if you accepted me I'd make your a good - husband. Aliss Brightly: That's out of the question; but I'm sure I'd make you a good hnsband if laccepted you. Nurse: Please, ma'am, every time Bobby can't have his own way he runs at me, and. pushes me, and kicks me like anything'. Fond Alother: Bless his heart! He'll be a famous football player some day' Mr Jiggins:. How'd you like me for your second, Airs Miggins? Airs Aligyins: Go along with >ou! Vou might wait till I'm a widder. Air Jiggins: Well, so you are, your Hill's just been run over.

" Vou persuaded your husband to join a glee elubr" " Yes," answered Airs Bliggins. " When lie starts to sing at home I can now advise him not to tire his voice, and when he sings in the club l can't hear him."

" Dear,'"' whispered the eloping lover, " what shall be do with the rope ladder? We shouldn't leave it hanging there." "Oh, that's all right," replied the coy damsel. "Pa said he'd pull it up again so we couldn't get back."

Afabel: How do you like my new gown. Grandmamma? Grandmamma : I don't. In mv days girls -wore one-button gloves, and gowns buttoned up to the neck. Now they wear one-button gowns and gloves buttoned up to the neck.

An economically minded citizen stoppod at an ironmonger's, :iud asked: *■ How irnicli are children's hath tubs:-" "l-'rom ten shillings up. sir," replied the shopman. Whew!' whistled the customer: "we'll have to keep on washing the baby in the coal-scuttle.

This, concerning the letter of the law: "See here, Mr Casey," said I'nt to the tax assessor, "shore and ye know the goat isn't worth eight dollars." ■■ Ot'm sorry,"' responded Casey, "bwt that is the law." Producing a hook he read the following passage: — "All property abutting on Front-street should he taxed at the rate of two dollars per foot."'

'• I notice yon h-ve taken the cowcatcher off the engine, .said the passenger on a rural railway. *" es, replied the conductor with a wink; I; we never run over any more cows. Since the farmers have discovered that the automobile owners pay more for a cow than the railroads tlier turn them out on the roads instead of tlie tracks.