WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13974, 7 August 1909, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"There's gas escaping," said the school captain, sniffing tiie aii". "No,, replied the Fourth Former, also tainng a sniff, "it seems to be here still."

Teacher: "Suppose your father gave your mother £'2o and then took £■> baelc again, what - would that make t" 'J'oinniy: "Trouble,"-

Customer: Yes; this snifc "fits' jne 1 well. It is a credit, to you. T;u----,lor: Credit-? . No fear! '' Jly terms are cash; *

"All, ]\lr Flitter, I hear you. have got into your new house! Are you all settled yet?" Mr Flitter: "All except the rent!"

Father (angrily)—lf my son marries, that actress I shall cut him off absolutely, and you can tell'him so. Legal Adviser—l know a better plan than that —tell the girl. ,

Golfer: You've candied for me before. Will you give me some hints before we start ? Sandy: Well, if -ye'll just no dae. what ye're gaein' to dae, ye'll no daee so bad!" -

" There!" . exclaimed : an innkeeper. "Have you-ever tasted anything like that- Burgundy?" . ."Oh, yes," answered his customer ; '' only 'the day before yesterday I put the wrong end of my pen, into my moutlil"

" You don't make very good music with that instrument," said the inno--. cent bystander to the man behind the bass drum as he band ceased to play. "No," admitted the drum-pnunder, " but I drown a heap of 'bad."

'"Then seventeen mothers in the village Mothers' Club agreed to decide by ballot which had the. handsomest baby." " Well, who won it.-'" " Each kid got one vote."

"I asked the young woman / infront of me /to remove her big hat. so that I. could see .-the stage." ■■■■■" Did she- do it?" ■■"No ; • she said ■if she held her hat in her- lap she couldn't see the stage herself."

•Mother (tearfully): We ■ shall lose our daughter. He is bent ou marrying ' her. •■■■ Father : : Why, -whatever makes you think > . that? • Motiher,: Well, she. sang and.-played to him yesterday, and' here he is again to-dav."

Itwas a benevolent lady, who - spoke seriously to ithe members of her workins "girls' club. on the sin and sadness of chaffing young - men in .-the. .-street. "Now, you never see, ray . sister .'do it," she said; ''you know■ I. never do -it;'' . No miss;.: it is : 'ard- lines for ver." :

A*, lad was. .'standing -with -his . don-, key and barrow, selling vegetables in. London one day,-.- when: a/ • smartly-; dressed young man enme up and asked: -I say, . boy,- ■: would; you... like., to .drive- me to. the; Mansion.THou.se.?. < -The boj'- thought for va"'moment and replied: Yns. • gav'norbut I don't think the 'arness would fit yer." ,

•The talented. actor was- ill and , in bed. He- simply - couldn't ~ play the matinee ...that-afternoon., Sp: he dictated a wire; 'to : the ... manager— Sorry .can't come to-day.. .Give . the audience .their ■>. money back "—and. despatched- ■■his man • with it;. ; At throf 1 o'clock ' came. ■ a -reply. : ' Have , given audience, his money, back, - anti he , has gone away contented." ;

'A•-.man"-.purchased--some rpd flannel shirts,' -guaranteed tneither.- to hhrjnk nor '•♦. fade. He', reminded , the . clerk forcibly •of that guarantee iSome ; weeks later/ ; " Have' you had -any , such difficulty -with them?" the clerk asked. " No, '<■• replied the customer, /'.only the other... morning, - ->vhgn .J. dressing, my wife said' to me; ; \John, wh<?n did you get that pink coral necklace

• He-had been summoned as,a witness in a case at court, his employers: having sued a delinquent customer, , and the lawyer .for the defence : was .crossexamining him.- " You travel for Jobson and Co., do. •you :-'" ■ asked theattorney. " YeSj sir." J 1 How' long, have you been doing it?". " Abolit ten years." -- " Been travelling all -t_hat, time, have -you ?" " Well, no, sir;,''- • said the witness,, making a hasty mental calculation, "not actually travelling. I have put .in about, lour years of that time waiting at railway stations and junctions for . trains."

A doctor, visiting a small, country town, went 'ov'er the local museum. After admiring one or two of the exhibits, the curator, who was an old man, 1 said: "Ah, but. we've got a, chair here. xliat. ■ belonged to . .Louis Cross-Eye." ;. ; 'Oh," said the doctor, "who was lie?" "Don't you know., sir? -Why, he was one of the Kings nf,France." " King of France? Louis Cross-Eve? ■ There must be some mistake. "Show me the chafr." The old man - promptly complied," and ■nointed with conscious pride to n ticket inscribed : "Once the property ol Louis. XT.":