WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13957, 17 July 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Mrs Braid: What will you do if the Chancellor of the Exchequer tijxes tho breakfast table? Mrs Allan: Take my breakfast iu bed.

Willie: Papa is going to; let you marry sister. Featherstono: How do you Know? Willie: He said alter all it was better than nothing.

Mrs Gramercy: What do we need for dinner? 'Bridget: Shure, mum, I tripped over the rug an' we need a net set of" dishes. ' . ■

'■'"ls- he intellectual?" '-"Ob, no. He's the sort of fellow who calls it changing his mind when he decides to put on a different necktie."

"Maude was afraid tho girls wouldn't notice her engagement ring. "Did they?" ."'Did they? (j Six of them recognised it at once." \t a Barber's.—Barber (a slow coach): Beg pardon, sir, but your hair is turning a bit grey." Customer: 1 shouldn't wonder; Look at tho tinio I've been here. ' _ . Bride- "Yes, I was married last month. Come and visit us/ dear. You haven't seen mv nice little flat yet!" Her friend:'"You forget, darling. I was introduced to him at Mrs Brown s ' at home'!" Don't be. afraid of the dog," said tho housewife. '"He merely wants to follow you." "I know that," answered Plodding Pete, "but it don't ease my. mind. _ I once saw a locomotive follow a cow up the line."

"Dolan," said Mike one day, "what does the letters ' MDCCCXCVII' mean?" "That means 1897, Mike." "Dolan." came the query, after a thoughtful pause, "don't ycz think thev're overdoin' the spcllin' reform a bit?" .

"Come right in, Sambo," the farmer called out. "He won't hurt you. You know a. barking dog never bites." '"Sure, boss, ah knows dat," replied tlie cautious coloured man,, "but all doi/t know how soon ho's going to atop barking." *

"Suppose," hissed the villain/' "suppose our plot should'leak out?" "That's all right," said his a*co>plico, consolingly. '"lt can't. Don't you remember telling me ; five minutes ago that our plot had thickened."

"Jane," began Mrs, Newlywed, timidly, "I don't suppose—er—that vou would—er object to my getting 'an alarm clock?" "Not at all, mn'"m!' replied the sleepy maid.. "Them things never disturb mo at all!"

"Alas!" confessed the ■penitent man, "in a moment of weakness I stole si cart load of brass fittings." '/In -a moment of weakness?" exclaimed the Jud«-e. "Goodness, man! Wlmt would vou have taken if you had yielded in a*moment when you felt strong,

Madame A. (mother of two marriageable daughters): Really, I don t know whether to send my girls to the seashore or some inland watering-place. Thev are both very much run clown. Madame B.: Well, I would advisersulphur springs for a change. Sulphui, you know, is one of the principal requisites in matchmaking." i

Domestic: ."Please, ma'am, can you giveme a character?" Mistress: Certainly, Bridget:; but what do you want it for? You are surely not goinn- to leave without giving me notice first?" Domestic: Oh, never fear, ma'am! I'm not thinking of leaving you; but my sister's foin" to service, and want's the loan of it!"

Magistrate (to prisoner): It's some time since I saw you here." Prisoner (virtuously 1 ): Yes, sir; I've, boon .quirt an' b.w-nbidin' since tl- larst +..~ie T was up before von, and that wcr bout six months ago." Magistrate: All, yes, I remember. I gave you six months for stealing a ham. It s a year this time.

A bov was throwing stones nt a noisy do"-, when a pnsscr-by stopped and addressed him: "Mv boy," the stranger remonstrated, "don't you know you should bo lei ml to dumb animals?" "Yes," replied the bov, "but what's dumb' animals got to do with yelping dogs?"