WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13939, 26 June 1909, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"What! Your husband is dead.-* " Yes, a vear ago; and last week I married again." "My siucerest condolence and heartiest congratulations.' ' Mrs Jay: Have you any faith m tins laving on of hands -business:' Mrs Nay: Oh, yes. 1 cured my boy of tho cigarette habit with it. , -\uthor: Have you read my new book-' Friend: Yes. "What do you think of it:-" '"Well, to be candid with vou, I think the covers are too

far apart." "I sav, Dollv," said an amateur photographer, ''may 1 take your photograph '- You look so pretty that 1 feel 1 could eat you. "Oh, I see," said the girl, "that's why you- want mo on a plate." ■ "It is Ik-lioved that the robbery must have taken place alter mid-day

on February 20, when the treasure was certainly intact, and before two o'clock on the" afternoon of February 22, at whicli time the discovery was made." The author of " Sherlock Holmes " has

not lived in vain. The artist, Dudley Hardy, ordered a broiled lobster at a restaurant supper recently. When the waiter put >t on the table it was obviously minus one claw. The waiter said it was unavoidable —there had been a light in the kitchen between the lobsters. The other one had torn oil' one of the claws of the lobster and had eaten it. Mr Hardy pushed the lobster over toward the waiter. "Take it away," he said wearily, '" and bring me the winner." At a small railway station there arrived a man. to whom the simple attractions of the place failed to appeal. He wandered down to the station-mas-ter's office one evening, and complained of the lack of amusement to be had. " Have von no pierrots, no concerts or anything of that kinil here in to help to pass the time-away 'f 1 "No," was the response, '•' nacthing o' the j kind, but \if ye conic back aboot eight o'clock ve'll see the goods train shunt-

At a little town in Southern lexas, William J. .-Bryan's eloquent address was received with tlie wildest enthusiasm. At its close an excited veiling woman rushed up and asked permission to kiss the orator. The embarrassed politician declined the salute politely hut firnilv. Wlipii they had left the town, one of tl:e gentlemen who accompanied Mr Bryan took him to task for his lack of gallantry, ami expressed his fears that tiie Tcxans might rcs-nt Mr Brvan's action. '" Well," replied .Mr Kvan with :i sly "lance at his wile, who was in tl»- party. " I shall he m Texas only a few days, hut 1 shall Ik: with Mrs." Brjan all my life." This is a icport by a young English schoolgirl i>f a lecture on " Phases of lluinan li'fi —Youth, Manhood, and Age": "In youth we look forward to~tbe wickul things we will do when we yrow uj; this is the state of innocence. I" manhood we do the wicked thirds of which we thought in our vouth —this is the prime of life. In old age we are sorry for the wicked things we did in manhood this is the time of o.ir dotage." '• I caima' leave ye this, Nancy," a good o'd "Scotchman wailed. '* Ycrc too old :o work, «n' ye couldna' live in the almshouse. Gin I die. ye maun marry .-mother man. wha'll keen you in eomf.irt in yer auld age. " Nay, nay. Aidy," answered the good spouse: " I coiildna' wed anither man, for what vud I do with two husbands in Heaven:'" Andy pondered over this. hut suddenly his' face brightened. '"I hae it. Nancy," he cried. "Ye ken auld John Cleinmciis? He's a kind man, but he is not a member of the kirk. He likes ye. Nancy, an' gin ye'll marry him. 'twill be all the same in Heaven. John's na Christian; and he's nae likely to get there."