WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13916, 29 May 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

....".Father, what is an empty title?" " Well, an empty title is your mother's 'way of calling mo the head of tho house.'' "Papa!" "Yes, daughter. "Who was Cinderella?" " AYhy, Cinderella, my child, v \vas the lirst woman to get a No. 4. foot into a No. 2 shoe, I believe." -

"What would happen if an irresistible force should meet au immovable body?" "I presume they could bo induced to arbitrate befuro matters went too far."

The Cheerful One: You can't eat your cake and have it, too. The Dyspeptic (swallowing .a couple of digestive tablets); You cun't eh? That's all you know about it. •Gillespie: I wonder what sort of .collector I would make? Hardrum: You might let me have a. fiver for ten days and Jiiici out.

''Pa, what is the-meaning'of. inconsistency?" asked Freddy. ■■" Inconsiste'ncv, my son," exclaimed pa, ''means a man who growls all day and then goes.home and kicks the dog for barking at night," ,' • 9 „ "Do you find poultry-keeping pays? "•Weir, ito; I can't say that it pays mo but I think it pays my- boy, Jim.' "How's that?" "Well,' you see, I bought him the. fowls. • I have to pay for their keep, and buy the eggs from him, and he eats them." M Waal," drawled the- Yankee-, "I guess we've got boats that can bent vour British boats hollow for speedWhv, if w»r broke out between us and Great Britain, our fleet would tow the whole British fleet into New York harbour before they knew where # they were." "Ay," replied Sandy, "ye mieht dac that, but it would take a much butter man than Columbus to discover America after it!" For once the American had discovered something British that was better tliah" ahvtliiug they could, product "across the pond." His discovery was a fine collie dog, and he at once trieu to induce its owner, an old .shepherd, to sell it. "Wad ye be takin' him to America ?"• inquired the old Scot. "Yes, I guess so." said the Yankee. "I chocht as muckle." said the shepherd. "I couldna pairt wi' Jock. But while they sat .and chatted an English tourist came up, and to him the"shepherd sold the collie for much less than the American had ondred. " Voir told me you wouldn't sell him, said the Yankee, wJien the purchaser had departed. ." Na," replied tlio Scot; "1 said I couldn't pairt wi linn. Jock'll be back in a, day or so, but ho couldn't swihi the Atlantic. Some more "howlers."— There aro two great classes of the animal kingdom—the ebriates, which have a backbone, and the inebriates, without a backbone. The Gordon Knot was untied bv Lord Kitchener, when he took Khartoum and cleared up.the tangle into which we had got over General Gordon. The chief clause ni .Magna Charta was that .'.one which said that no one was to be punished without, his own consent. Oliver Cromwell s homo policy was that of .being a good husband and a kind father; his forcieu policv was to walk abroad in a. ; Dig slow'li hat and a Very large, red nose. —William the Cenquerer was <?no of our best authors;.ho wrote the Doomsdav lick., J"hn Bright. is famous for an incurable disease. The Lji.isades were on account, of the lurks. Thev had taken and were so cruel they would not let traders use the Suez Canal. Clivo conducted the Indian Mutiny and brn.urlnV it to a successful conclusion, kmgsley was a great agriculturist and wrote n. book on yeast. Oliver Cromwell w*s the captain of an ironclad.