WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13892, 1 May 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

.".Why are you crying, little boy?" " Farver 'it 'is funib wiv: a 'ammei: — an' I. laughed." \ - ; She (indignantlj')"You had no business to kiss me!" He: "But it?wasn't business ; it was pleasure." ... \ Jirown: "I hear you are tljo liappy father of twins?" ' . Jones: " l'ou are', mistaken. 1 .am the father of.-twiiis." ' " They .say he played a fine game:, of golf until lie was married." "Well, you know, no man can serves two masters'."-." ■ ■ ' ■ Sue: " Don't you think; there should be music in cyery home?" Heßyail means. What 1 object to is' music next door." ( The newcomer said: " I see you don. t know' me'"from Adam." . "My dear sir,"; said... Btiraiard, I didn't kiiow Adam;" - \ Lady (collecting for rummage sale): "But what do you do Viith your.old clothes:"' artist (bluntly): "Wear 'crri!" •' . • "1 hear Jones has married again. . " Yes, confound him ! He's cost mo three wedding presents and x two wreaths already." ■- Wife: " What would: you like for your birthday, Robert?" Robert: "Nothing, thank you; I cannot afford 14 Sir,"" said the poet indignantly, " poets are born, not made!" " Young man," rejoined the critic, smiling, dp not try to shift the blame on, to your ..parents!" "No, Mr Nicely, I cannot be your! wife, but I will always be a sister to you " "Is that really the best you can do?" he asked. " Well, I nnglit consent to bu your widow, if yoy could arrange it that way !" she .replied., 11 Have you ever done anything for the emancipation of woman, I'd like to know?" she said, coming down the homestretch; "Indeed, I have, madam," lie smiled. "I have remained a' bachelor." . •• Friend (returned from abroad): Tell me all the news. Is Horn still paying devoted attention to your sister? Chris- v tie: On the contrary, lie's paying her no attention at all. " Yovr don't mean to say that lie jilted her?" " No; lid married her." ... . Queen Alexandra, visiting a hospital, asked a little girl patient where sho lived. " Behind Barker's," was. the reply; and then, emboldened by the friendly face above her, the bed-riddeu girl asked, "And where-do you live, miss?" "Oh, I," said the Queen, "I live in front of Corringe's." Wife: "I had it in mind to ask you for a new gowu, dear, but L see you can?t- afford it." Husband : " How did you discover that,, my. love?" -Wife: " Why, I peeped into your cliegue. book this mornins, and saw you had only oiio cheque left!" . The sporting reporter is. usua,llv reliable, but a Christchurcli Star " .re-, porter wrote that "a great finish was feen between Lady Lyiian. and . Ben J-lur, only a week, dividing them at tho finish." ■ ' Mike: Sure. Mrs Dooley., wouldn't yo bo afther. takin' a ticket fui- me clock ? It's ter be raffled to help ould. Mrs Ponnigan. Mrs Dooley: But that onld clock doesn't go at all now, does.it? ,j\l ike : It does .not, Mrs.Dooley. But, then, you know, you moightn't. wifi it.'.', .. - V Some weeks after an. o.Fd man. jvas ■appointed postmaster of a small. village,savs a writer in the Philadelphia. Bulletin, the •villagers and their friends, began to 1 complain. about tbe mails. An inspector investigating the matter found.out that the postriiaster had sert out ho mail since his entrance into office and pointing to the hundred f-e more dusty letters that .the; postmaster had kept by him. said, sternly: —".Why on earth didn't you let theso go?"—"I was wait-inf till I got the bag 'full," said the old man,witli a gciitlo smilo.