WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13874, 10 April 1909, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

•■•"Was-your father college'' bred?-' '• 'Yes, ;but -we nc-yer mention it. .TJao. college he went to had' a l ' rotten'football.t«anl.'. ' -j He: "'Your milliner's bilUhas -cost me last year as- much the salary of my two book-keepers. That is more than I can afford. She: We'll', discharge one of thetn'. v v, * ; "Are there degrees of rank in t th e servants' hall?" "To be sure. Maids who have charge of dogs won't associ-ate-with maids who look after dren." -••What is the difference between valour and "discretion >" " Well, to go through Europe without tipping would bo valour." - 1 1 see." '• And to conic back by a different route, would be discretion." '"'■'• ii- ■' Tramp: Lady, I'm near, perishing from exposure 5 Lady: Are you a cbnDxessmau or ii senator? ° Tlie director of the zoolqgical gardens was on his vacation. He received a note from his chief assistant, which closed thus: "The chimpanzee seems to .be pining for a companion.- What, shall we do until your return?" . Dad—l wish I could be \a little boy a<min like voii, Willie. Willif—l wish von could, dad—only littler,, of course. " ""He is going into "..politics ;'«he thinks - he's a politician.' —.Wbaj.;4loes his wife think:-'' "She's too |»nch of-a ladv to tell." ' 'v " - Jones (verv cross): Throw-that thing -awav.do. Brown (very happy): Look here; I don't often give sixpense for a "cigar-, but-when I do—" Jones: "ion set fonrpence change'." - _" ' '. Slimsoh: What do you mean giving that little boy in the next block such a terrible whipping? Willie: tie didn't even know it. ; papa.v-\ou see he's a Christian Scientist. . All the bovs practice on him, and he doesn t .even .dare to tell his father and,, mother. - . ; ..- •■ --.'"••'.:- An ingenious description of- a poorlj patronised play in New York: -"During: the progress of ""-'An laternational Marriage' at Weber's .Theatre some miscreant; made his way into the house and .purloined -all the seats, in the "l>i£. ?; . : ' - :••■'■ ■• ~ ;":'•'"' •'•""',•.;'•- - Mamma —You shouldn't-'be- cross to little Elsie, Richard. Dick; Well, dfif-'shV" want to cheat for? Mammar How did she cheat? Dick .-Why, we were, playing at Adam and Eve, and sheliaxt 7 tie apple to tempt ;nie wurt, and she, never tempted me, but went and', ate ii'all tip herself. -'.-. Earnest Female: Professor, I ' hear vpu great ornithologist. Professopx I am an ornithologist, mridam. Earnest-iFemale:'Then could you kindly, tell me the bbtalical name .for n. whale. She (sighing) : Oh, I w-t -such ;a lovelv. polite man to-day! 'He: What was thai? . She: In •*"*■ street..-I must have been, carrying, myUmbrella carelessly, for he bumped his eye into 'it. I -said: "Pardon -me '-'- and he said "Don't mention it; I have another eye .left."'; .' .- ,;.':.;; . .:■ -", - " THE FARMER'S WIFE. Says Mr. Dooley:—lf she r \vasu't liappv'.wljo shud be?: All she- had to atitind'to was' th' care iv.th" house, th' th'. childher, an' \ th' churn. Surrounded Be. th': beauties, iv nature, why.'shud she complain?, ."Ivry.rusle.iv th" breeze in th' orchard promi=ed her pre>arves to be put up in th'fnll:." T.h' chickens.■-■strutting an' cackling in th' farmyard spoke iv eggs to be fried. Th' lowing kine brought thoughts to her'mind iv" th' churn. . Fr'ni her nnrlonr window she could see the : pool den buckwheat gleamin' in'th' sun", remindin' her' that th - ' autumn' was noprqaching''." with st<s s+imulntin' enmhats between her griddle an' -th' • hired ''man's appetite. ■■'_■■■ ~■:."'-"'