WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13834, 20 February 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

" If I were to kiss you now, would vou liavo mo arrested?" "What woulcl be tho use? Any jury would acquit Maud: She is a woman who lias suffered a good deal for her belief. Etliol: Dear me! What is her belief ? Maud : Slio believes that she can wear a No 3 shoe on a No. 6 foot. Office Boy—Tho editor is much' obliged to you for allowing him to see your drawings, but much regrets he is unable to uso them. Fair Artist (eagerly) —Did ho say that? Office Boy (truthfully)— Well, not exactly. He just said, "Take 'em away, Joe; they make mo sick." Jack (sadly): Kate and I havo parted for ever. Tom (sympathetically) T Aro you sure of that? Japk: Positive. Sho "has told mo so in each of licr last three letters. . ' He: This shopping' business is an awful nuisance! She: AVliy, Henry■? You have no reason to complain. I've done all tho shopping. All you do .is to carrv tho parcels! "You say you are marrying young Van Rox to reform him? 'Ahat s nolno of vou, but I didn't know ho had any vices." "Oh, yes. People say lie is getting stiugy with his money." " What's that curious-looking charm you are wearing on your watch-chain? '"That is our new eoat-of-a.rms —chauffeur rampant, policeman coufthant, justice of the peace expectant." Baby carriages in Chicago are now required to carry lights after sunset. It would seem that in that up-to-date city even the infants have been guilty of furious driving. . . - The artist was of the impressionist school. Ho had just given tho last touches to a purple and blue canvas when his wife came intp the studio. "My dear," said lie , " this is tliu landscape 1 wanted you to suggest ft title for." " Why not call it ' Home? she said after a 'long look. " 'Home.-' Why?" '• Beeauso there's no place like' it," she replied meekly.. A young man, while holidaying on the East Coast of Scotland, entered a small inn to get some refreshments, lhe bar-room was empty; no one seemed to be about. So, going over to what ho- took to be the bell-rope hanging from the ceiling, he tugged it violently, just to show that he was being neglected. The next moment the landladv came screaming down the stairs in a towering rage. " What dao ye mean, ye daft idiot!" she cried. Dao vc no' ken that rone's tied to tho cradle, and ye'vo thrown tho bairn oot?" -