WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13828, 13 February 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

J Somo give according to their means; some according to; their meanness. Stella: Did you have a tiff? Bella: \cs, but I don't know whether it waa an understanding or a ingloung Lady (whose millinery is a study in ornithology): You bad little boy; don't you knew it is cruel to catch. those poor little froggios ? Small Boy (significantly) ; I want 'em to wear on V my 'at. . : . . Landlady: Will you take tea or coffee. Boarder: Whichever you call it. " I always try to treat my maid as if she wore a mombpr of the \ family." "Gracious, how do: you got her to put up with it?" ' ", "' "My papa caught a wonderful. fish. After it was dead it kept on growing!'.' "It couldn't do such a. thing!" "Oh. yes it did, . for. every time, papa . - tola about it' it was bigger 'than it was be- . fore!" Dr Griffin: I must soy the world is very ungrateful towards our profession. How soldom one sees a" public memorial erected to a, doctor. Mrs Golightly: How soldom? Oh, doctor, think of,our cemeteries!" . . '. He (just accepted): You say yoii were never engaged before? 1 She: Yes. He: How is that? I thought all women, had three or four engagements. She (guilelessly): Well,-1 presume I shall, . too. You. see,, this is the. first chance I have had! Woman (to her neighbour): \Vha.fc makes you cry so bitterly, my • dear friend ? Neighbour: I always weep . when I hear music. My late husband used to blow tho whistlo at the fa*-' tory. " Papa,' what _ is tho person called who brings you in contact with, the spirit world?" "A barman, my son'.'" Francis Wilson, tho comedian, apropos of certain curios whereon ho believed ho had been swindled, said with a light laugh: "The one drawback to knowledge is that it reveals so many dupes and swindles to us. Ono summer, for instance, I was ' ' doing' Switzerland. In the neighbourhood of Geneva, where tho Swisß talk French, I climbed a little peak'one fine morning, and on my arrival at tho chalet at tho top I heard tho pretty handmaiden call into" the kitchen in excellent French: "Quick, mother, quick! Here's a tourist. Put somo milk- on tho fire; You know thoy always like' it • warm from the cow." - ■ . - ■

One day, as a doctor was driving into a- village, ho saw a man a little the worse for liquor, amusing a crowd ;of spectators with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor watched him for a. while and said:." Sandy,' how dp you manage to train your dog ? ■■ I can p. teach mine to do anything." Sandy, with tho simple look in his eyes so common in some rustics, said: "Well, you see, Doc, you have to" know more'u the dog or you can't learn him nothing." ~•., ... "Do you think the automobile will displace the horse?" asked the conversational young woman. "It. will, answered the norvous young man, as no gazed down tho road, " cvory time it hits him." ' ' Collector (warmly): I'vo been hero * dozen times, sir, and I positively won t call again! Mr Poorpay (cheerfully).: Oh, come now, old man, don't he so superstitious about making tho thirteenth call; nothing will happen, I assure you. ■ . v A lady of title, an ardent motorist .is verv unfortunate in the matter of spills. Tho other day, by no moans for the first time, an engineer came-to do various repairs to the motor, lho little girl of the house watched and then remarked: "I think mamma's very unluekv with her motor, don't y°«"Unlucky, did yo say?" replied tho. mechanic. "Why no; not particularly unlucky. Her ladyship's alive, am t she s "' "Yes, of course she is, said the girl. " Well, was tho rejoinder, with an expressive shake of the head, " lots of our customers ain't." Admiral Iloble.y Evans tells tho following story against himself. Ho had si Congressman for a guest, and, having run out of his favourite brand of whisky, made up with some he could not' guarantee He explained this, • and added: "Here, however, is sonjo brandy that I've kept untouched' for ,a; good deal more than twenty years." "Hand me over the whisky-decanter/' was the rejoinder. "Why?" asked "trie Admiral. "That's what I want •to know, Boh," said the guest; " but if you have had it untouched in your possession for more than twenty years there must be something pretty bad the matter with it."-