WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIIC, Issue 13727, 17 October 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Were they carried away with Miss Semitone's voice last night?" " Oh, no; they suriply walked out of their own ac"cord." - Ella: I know that I don't play a very . good game of whiat but 1 only play cards 'ior amosement. Stella : Well, your game is certainly amusing. iMrs'Hix: V don't take any stock in these faith cures brought about by the laying- on of hands. ' Mis Dix: Well, 1 do.; -I cured my little boy of the cigarette ; habit that way. ."'"■Oh,. yes," she said proudly, "we can •."trace ' our ancestry back to—to —well, I 'don't know veto, out we're been descending* for centuries." /'Waiter (noting the dissatisfaction on a *■ guest's face): Wasn't the bird cooked to sir!" Guest: Yes, all but the biU. Just take that back, and tell thein 'to-boil if down a little."

'•■• Fast. Girl:' Who u that clean sJiaven, handsome boy*- Second Girl: Oh. lie's age .actor. First Girl: So. I mean the other one. Second Girl: Ob, he hasn't any money either. * "The trouble with'that talkative per"Km "is he frequently contradicts himself." *. After listening to 6ome of the things he says," - replied Miss Keyenue, "it- seems rather creditable that he should." . ' "Grouser grumbles at cold weather?" ** Tea-" " And he grumbles at hot weather!" "Yes." "What doe* he like?" . v .To grumble.* ."He:.-If you don't marry me, I'll go andb hgng myself ' : n your front garden. Site:- Oh, don't do that. Father doesn't Eke anybody hanging about. - -"-You have" devoted your whole life to .the.,c>w«L.ol[.labour, I understand. Xu«r. just tell me of one good thing you have accomplished." "Well, I've made a good lhing;" replied the "agitator.'"

:".■ "*What do you 'think of tlie two candidates?" asked one elector of another

■'dating » recent contest. "What do 1 tnink of them!" was the reply. * Well, when I look at them, I'm thankful only - oil* of them can get in." ' -'Magistrate" (sternly): Didn't I tell von tike; last .time you were here I never Wanted yon to come befoie me again! -"Eraoner: Yes, sir; "but 1 couldn't make tn« police believe it. tSapleigh: A bwick fell from a building tjcot, years ago and knocked uie teuselesa. -Mia CaMtique: Indeed'. Aud does your pTrrakun think you will ever get owr

;**On your trip abroad, did you see any aronderfuJ old ruins?" he asked. "Yes," she replied, archly, "and guess wiat*" "Well!" "One of 'hem want-

Ed to marry me." •"What is synonym. James!" asked, the teacher. ** It's a word you can use when '. yon-don't know bow to spell the one you : thought of first," replied Jimmv, cheerfairy. " :■". 51is>' Bunkerbdl: " Have you read " 'Scott's novels!" Miss Laker: All but ; 'Ais 'Emulsions.' I have seen it advertk>- ~ ed a grea' many times, but I have never been able to get a copy. '»*-■'■ She: If man loves his wife as much : a* she "'loves ium, he will stop watting bis money "on cigars is she ask* b/m. lie -. --"Yes," but if his wife lores him a* much -as she ought to love a man who loves : her enough to stop it if ehe asks him,

she "won't auk him. -Rambling. Waggkb: .1 was robbed- last night, and I reckon that about 33 articles "wefe stolen from me. Everything I bad in the world. Policeman: I'-fty-three articles T Rambling Waggles: Yes; a uac'ket of cards and a corkscrew. ' .Friend: One of your clerks tells me that r->u raised his*t,alary and told him 'to get married, under penalty of discharge.'*. BrJti>h Man: Yes, I do that lo' all my clerks when they get old enough to marry- I don't want any of yoor independent, conceited men about iny place! "Oh, my friends, there are some spectacles that one never forgets!" exclaimed (be lecturer, after describ-Dg graphically a volcano in. eruption. "I'd like to know where, they sells them." said an old lady in the audience, who is constantly mislayins her glasses. s Why is the income tax the mu>t obnoxious tax ever paid or levied!" Ihe conundrum is a Sheffield gentleman's, and so is the answer. "Because all who pay "it are sorry they have to do eo, and those who have not are sorry they ddnV

Mrs. Brindle: Xow, Mary, I want you to be careful. This ■> some very old table linen— been in the family for over two' hundred years, and— Mary: Ah, rare, •ma'am, you needn't worry. 1 won't -tell a soul, and it look* us good as new, anyway. ** Rowel, of the Scotsman " : Why, your hair is getting grey! said Rabsel to a friend. "Yts, but there's plenty of it, at least," looking at the editors h-ml. a' Sahara of baldness. " Ob, yes," uddol he; "you see mine preferred death to dishonour.'

.Host***: Why didn't you bring Captain Splasher with you! Captain 801.-on : Duty, Mrs. Clntterbuck. We couldn't both get away, so wo tossed up for it. Hastcßs: And yoa won! Captain Uolsoo: Xo—l lot!

"Many a man hat>, by .«inipk- vronomy. lajd'tbe foundation of » fortum." " Vo." aaswtPld the man who doesn't figure clcSeJy; "bat by the tin** yon K«-t your fortune roa are m> liable to b? grounded in habits of economy that you won't enjoy' spending the money "

A fa*hiooably-aUir.-d lady m*-t a barelegged ttrchitt rarrriug a bin!'* no-t with eggs id it. " You arc a wicked boy:" •aid the- lady. " How rouhl you rob (he Deeat. No doubt the poor mother i» now jjriering for the h»r> of b« r t£;;>." "Oh t'»bVdon't rare." isiid the l«*>y. <dgiog away: * she's on your hat I" A physician wa* i-enf* for to alt. nl a fdulTboy who was ill. He I- ft a pi. acription and went away. Returning a. few day* liter, Ik> found' th. boy b It. r. "Yes, doctor," Mid the bur'* ' mother. "tbe> prescription did him a. world of good. I left il bihide him. where hcould bold it in hU hand oi.*t of ththae, and b« c»n alnio.it rtad it now. Yon didn't rmran for him | ( > .«w.dlow tbe paper, did you, doctor!"