WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIIC, Issue 13704, 19 September 1908, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Ladf (to tramp, who had . y_. fawflcd for assistance): Here a min<l you, rm not givmg t-SSe ?o» it, but because S SSTnk'' "Thank yon ma am, witfeTtL tramp- "But couMnt you thoroughly enjoy ?Btictor X» who recently married a ->OTg widow,"had just returned to_h« h«wj.aft« performing a senous :otteratioa on a patient. How did it his -wife. ''Ptaiedhim rtsoaab, but it was a stiff job. Hoj a«, Tom," remarked the ad*pocr.Jfohn (her first bm&and) would law been saved.' • . ; Publican: " And I£>w do tou like t«»ff married, John?" John: Dont STSt at «IL" - "Why, what* the itime; ia tbe inonang it'a money; when "Trfcoee .home -to my '. dinner its money »gsun; «ind at sapper time itV the same. VQthiijr .m \ ova*?, *">l*37 money! ' ' T hgntr i"- ' What; -do she do wi wyrv , t> "l dunno. I ain't B *After*» romiderable search for work, • * Oekney atlast gob a job as a. bnckUyer'B. laboar«r. Hb first task *as toJhie the hod to the top of a high Ths ladder, was «t«P *** nerve-trying to one not wed to such wbik. Aimed at.the top, with the <&! d tweafc of fear on his brow, he depositedhis load, remarking to the bnckJmer: "look bew, gov'nor, .I dont " think B|D<S of ll& job. ; I should Jm* like>votfto t«B me how Tin going to again !* ' " Why, the t| same ■yar Te came ttpj o' coone. ot i«o Wodmpi'liiety.i . Not 'alf! I came first r' ' Urt JlfeT Marks/had been ordered to tbefMasws b> & tbbughtleea doctor. Ikey "protested it wodld T niin him, "but at last Ijjrjebfctantly' consented. "Vett, Ikey, how'vMr yon enjoy yourself?" asked Re"becca t • when ■ fie : returned borne. " Oh, fw not, enjoy myself ."groaned Ikey, ia .doleful toae* " I vos go to lose fire. ffai&J* * Vot P* *hrieked Rebecca. "We To»>ba'TtinKd r' "Xo, no, no,"

Baid Tkey. "I V&a.mean five younds in wjgli^—«At mnnUk" " Veil," said Rebecca, greatly'relieved at t-ha news. "Yell;lkiy f it tot serve yon right.- • I Vos'tdl jjoa'iiotr to'go in tbe Water!" -- Jl »ervantgiti m : Sheffieldwas induced byhermistrew tobav© ber -likeness takei& The iasld rettfrned'-witli a very

Tfd face, • and banting with indignation. "You 'MSr ma'am, I didn't like the looks of that camera-man looking through the spy-glisjr .under » green shawl, so, when his back wa* turned, I went and had a.peepon my own, and if -1 didn't we everything - upside ■ down! I saw bis littletrkks'in a minute. He. was gohig fo toloe my likeness .stood" on* my head. jSpfe n»e!;, : Xo, ma'am, not me! He irash't- to .take no such exhibition of.me, if "I knew it, so I ran away home i»-lard ai» t could-** . . it* term of the Circuit, Court in Ohio iio lopg ago a " horse case" was on a inO-known "horseman" was called as" a witness. "Well, sir, you Mr- this horse!" asked counsel for the dekodantf M Y««, sir, I "What dwTyoii doV '"I . just opened bis jwvih to find out how old he was; an' - I '!piy* to him, I says, t Old sport, I guws you're pretty good yet."* At this juncture counsel for the opposing aid* entered & Tiolent objection. "Stop!" "Your* Honour, I object to any conrermtion carried on between the witneM aod the horse when the plaintiff wai not prwent!" Tbere h«d been >a serious railway acd-

' Otoe tr tb«( 'injured ; pasMngers were being remored from among tb* wreckage. Otrt of these war nn- old fartaerl -* He had been strafck by the engine, and the crowd gathered sympathfltieany .abbtA hiin. -Suddenly the Tktim, who had been unconscious, opened bis' eyes. , A'sympathetic silence met his gaxr as be slowly swept the circle and attempted to take in tbe situation. "Am I hurt?" "he aaid, feebly; They told him that one leg would hare to come eff," bat, fortunately, they believed that otherwise he was all right. For several be studied tbe lemaining sound InnK and then turned to the "surgeon. "Weil," Jbe said, "it might have worst- 'lt is the one with the rheumatiz."

the ? passing into lair of the Defeased, Wife/s Sifter Bill, a meeting in rapport of the measure was held in » small prormcial tomi, and as the place>was adjacent to a cathedra! - city, it vu feared that considerable opposition iroa!d be net with- Things, howerer, passed off quietly. At length the elwixWiiuarbe»'iuHl inquired if any of the audience desired to "question the speakers. . 'At first there -was no response, but presently a burly-looking tbe back of the hall. As be seemed somewhat diffident. the chairman asked him if 1» wished to m*k» any teoti&s or to put', any que* %fta*. *« 'drawled. ae a«d bit mates wants to know why the (ieotued wife's sister is always called umr

In tbe amiable war of rillairers. th«r wen discussing the matrimonial affairs of.a couplewho, though recently wed, had begun to find the joke of Hymen •"harden.» "Tia all along o' these hasty marriages,** opined - on® • caustic old tleman, who bad been much to the fore in the discussion. "They did not understand each other; they'd nobbut knowed each otbfT for • matter o* sor«n years'." " Well, that ■ 'seems I"dk ci»ough.*" raid as interested lady listener. '* cno*! Bab, ye*re wrong! When a body's coortm' be canna b« too carefuL Why. my- coortahip lasted a matter o* 19 yearsV "You certainly were careful," agreed the lady listener. " And did yon find your plan successful whan joa married " "Y* jump to con rhuromsaid tbe old man, impatiently. "I understood her then, so I didna many her!" Prciid'nt Boowrelt related tint he wa* in the village church where the M-nrire was conducted by a coloured minister. During a forcible sermon on theft, the preacher said:—"l see before m* tw-Ive rhkkea-thieTes, including William Sanders." William Sanders was naturally iscented at thw, and threatened the preachtr with personal violence. The minister"* friends persuaded him to prowl*? ihat if the preached would wiUidiinr the accusation be would not harm bim. " They their went to tbe minister, who promised them that he would withdraw th<* accusation next Sunday. Therefore. in tbe pulpit on the following Sunday, tbe minister >aid that a rrm.uk of'his in hit ta.«t *eriron ha«l been the cense of offence, and he wouold th«»rrfonamend it. "What I should bare >ai«l was this: "I "eo beforr me «-Je\-en rhfekes4lwT«s, not including WiUiam Sanders."*