WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13697, 12 September 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

/~4f aTmlrai -1 And what • made you wish to b«>ame> a-, sailor, * my bc-yJT Navy Candidate* t<A * perfect *good faith),: Because bes got -a; Wife in 'every * port. sir. < Father:'Mr child 13 onl y a nld, "and "he the moon. Mother:" Min*-'isn't a week old, ajad iei cries- for' the milky way. • Broadway "Vhef say he married tphbecans*o£-jier.fignze.", Mr. Madison: -. was ; quite natural." '* Oh, no! 4 -Indeed it.waiiri't'!'"' ' --The" Heiress: !* Bui why should I marry •Wti ; 1-*dan't -10ve,.-y£>a." . Her Suitor : *t v oh,i'that's aH.. right. -I "aha'nt be at jUom£f yercmuch, you knot?!" J. sea where a fellow married a gift;«n* his death-bid, just* so as ehe could Vmillions ,waen„ he was. gone. Cbuldiyou love a giri like that —" He: "does she'liveV' " ;V**Wiiat is the ; rfiarge—" "inquired" a jnggMttate./-: -** Attempted' suicide, Your Vfoiship." answered a.stalwart constable. was -that t"," " Prisoner wanted to fight YourWorshipf' ->:/*l;;sbealdsnpt>c6e in the'interests of you" would - have -real wine in the rjJijn?". rTOrilr-TO •muan'fe b«t too. exacting- 'Tli* plot, requires- the leading man it, and we only pay hQß' : £3 dweek.you know!" An'oldlady, severity-one yean; of age, pleaded, -in answer 'to a charge of drunknbeen ke*sHHg up" her mother's birthday. To, the surprised Court she explained that hw motbec had just 'eekbrated her ninetyeighth .birthday. ~ A man addicted t<> walking in his steep went:to. brf aU rigbfr one.night, but when he awoke he found 'himself on the 6treet in tße grasp-of 'a policeman. ** Hold on," he cried;-"you-musn't arrest me. a sctanamfattlm. " 'To • which - the.: policeman replied,. I don't care what your religion walk the streets.in yer nightshirt:" V ' ' r

• A well-to-do Scotch lady-one day-said ° Man Tammas, I wonder too don't get married. ' You've a nice -aIT. yoo .*«t tck complete |t is "a iwife. . Ycu'know the first gardener frhSfr .ever lived bad a wife." "Quite rset,iiiwmiiM,** n lid Tammas. -"quite reet: bnt he -keep his job lang after he got k oace attended' a" cathedral festival, 'andVfound.-an altercation going on at the between, an old ."gentleman who had Bditicket and the pr.liceman on duty. The old "gent kfeakn " indignant a tf having to procure t» ■ ticket' to enter ~ a chorch, exclaimed that he " wondered -whether we should require tickets to .get into Heavvenf "Fassihlynot,. sir,' returned the policeman, " hue you won't hear Madame A-minister went to visit a poor woman in ;Sco*land wb<i had just lost her bnsbhd. He tried to.sgeak consolingly t« b,er by jwinring out that" the deceased war. 'in amu'cK happier state. '• Jnst think, cay'poor woman,", said the worthy divine. ";yoa*re "dearVMsband at tin mtiaent, playing on a harp." "Na, na," inttrrupt^d-the sobbing widow; ''muefele gqid tha|'ll dae -ius * rheromatisms, ?ittin* oi<a-&ea«utf cloud, blawin' a Harry and" Ethel were- crossing a field on', Tviien tbeyenexmntered a bull. "We must prair.'* panted Harry.. " You do it." Ethel pleaded.' .kneel diiwn right here." "Ko, - we'll pray .Tunning.' "You ought to doitj yoffre a girl.". " O Lfirri—O Lord *^r*can't,"-sobbed^Ethel. "You' - do it." .TfeproXirmty of the bull, dtmanded ira ' mediate action, and, Harry rose to the occadon. Loud and fervently he prayed: *" Of Lord. for., what we are about to re-ceive-make ustruly thankful!" "It » welf, my dear. Jane," said the ,vur}ting ancle, ' to avoid even the appearance of evil. " Whatever do yon mean. 7 Jamrfif' said his sijoer. "Well. I observe on the sideboard several cut glass .decanters. Each of tbein seem to be halffilled with spirits, and. yet you profess to be i teetotaller." " And so I am. James. .We w£re given those "glasses, and they look so pretty that;l could not hide .awav. So Ihalf-fiUed each of them with CondyfaLfiuid—just for appearance, you inow.^'** # And that's why I am cautinning you, Jane, against even the appearance, of eviL Feeling a trifle weak and _famt, I helped myself to half a glass from middle bottle,, and I feel.etill more unwell now." -

. MarkJTwain has a great dislike to what "iskncftrß aa"6»de." and is never so hap-, ■py as when taking.down conceit in anyone. ■ While dining- in* a restaurant, he opce sat at the next table to two exceedingly self-possessed young' men who were putting on a great, many airs , and graces, and giving tbe waiters an immense amount of trouble. One r.f tbem gaVe an oHer. and then in a commanding voice asked to Ml cook who it'jps for. "Yts;"* fcaid the other, "better tell him my ' name too, so as. to mike certain of baring if all right." Presently came Mark Twam's chance, for when tbe waiter came to th» table, •be said. load enough for anyone to hear. "Bring me a dozen op; ten, and whisper my name to each cf them. to make sore it's all tight." Tbe old chap unearthed a sixpence, but it' slipped through his shaking fingers and fell on the floor of the tnuncar. Stooping do*n, the cohduetor s*archeii lovingly for that "tanner." bnt all he could find" w.i* t»ro b««.buttons. "Look again." «.ud the tnan who w*i giving him such fine practice' in will-power. Once aga-tn the conductor bent down and found two more btans buttons. "Look again!'' said the> man who was mines mxp-wv " I in wtt u£on it! I'm a shareholder in the efeotpaay. The portly gentleman had heen l<vokiiac far his fare at lease five minutes, and tb? conductor thought hard thmps. *"■„! wouldn't look apain if you wer.» the general.manager and the board of directors all in an*!" said the conductor. I've onlv twotrouser buttons left, and their jobV too rMgooeible for taking any more risks."