WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13691, 5 September 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Wfiafc was the Declaration of Independence, pa!" M An absolute divorce, my son." -"Are-your five* daughters all married " «RV Mr. Bnnrn?" "*Xo; five sons-in-law ' hate-married on." ■ xTeachcr: **lf a vehicle •with two wheels is a bicycle, and one with three wheels a tri£yse, what is one with only one wheel?" Scholar: : "A wheelbarrow." slCora: "Doesn't ft. make you feel nice . for people to remark how well yon are . .* getting on!" Merritb: ♦"Yes, unlets they "add, "they can't understand it.' - .Teacher: ** What are the three personal pronouns!" Pupil: "He, she, and it." Teacher: "Ghre us an example of their -usst," "Pupa: 'Husband, wife, and fadbj." The difference between the gentleman fanner and the practical see to everything farmer » very simple. The first sells what he can't eat, and the- other eats what be can't sell. -Papa, what is a safety match?" Mr. Henpeck (looking carefully about to see if Jim wjfe is within hearing): '' A safety match,, son, is when a baldheaded man marries an armkes woman. Miss Elder: "I'm going to take the part o£:oBC ot Cinderella's sisters. I hope you can make me up to look ugly enough." Costumier: "I don't think there'll be much difficulty about that, ma'am." Har Husband: "If a man steals, no Batter what it is, he will live to regret it." His Wife: "During onr courts hip you used to steal kksesMrom. me." Her Husband: "Well, you heard what I said." *" Riches, my friend,* said the prutocrat, **don not bring happiness."' ** Maybe not," ' said the socialist, "but it may be a heap of satisfaction to have a lot of-money and be able to talk like that to a chap that nasri't airy." - - •- ■ . • Madame (to - her nursemaid, who has just brought her. four children from a mey Anna, how changed toe children look since I last saw them I , Are you quite sure they are the right ooesPV ■-,..-,.

• An on the well-known mushroom- gathering story is told by an Kngbsh commercial traveller. After waiting. tvo.houES' in. a railway waiting-room for aa--overdue .train, he wss at last told * bjr: the station master . that " she " was near at. hand ; " because. the engine-driv-er'a dog had been sighted, running along about a quarter a mile down the line I*' - ¥vn£JPhjwaut: "So the operation was jort-in the nick of time!" Second Physician : f* Yes; in TuKther *twenty-four ■ l>6nra the patient would hare recovered wftAwfit-" "Cholly: "I tpought perhaps you bad a for Bobby James?" Mildred: '** Nonsense. Ton are just as welcome here as he jjs. v Whv, he is the most insufferable bore I know."

••Baxoneas (to her. atyb'sbly dressed coak):'** Why, Fanny, what elegance! It would be difficult to dibtinguish the lady from the cook." Cook: "Don't worry, madam; the cooking would tell." H. " P*pa r " No, he's not the proper sort jot.a htuband,for you, my dear." Daughter: "0 papa! He'd die for me." Papa: "Oh, that's all right—tell him to go as far. Oftjhe likes. I was afraid be wanted to marry^you.'*. . ''ATI the little boy* and girls who want to go to heaven," said the Sunday-school auperxntendenV "*& please rise." All rose But Tommy Twaddles."' " And doesn't tins little boy want to go to heaven!" ,"* If-aot'yit-" ■ Macmtyre (after his first day's quarrying): wurrk no more in that place." lire. Slac.: ; *For why, m'darlin'!" Macinoyif: *T span) boon and hours in driHin holes in th 1 rocks, ana then a man cornea.along and puts dynamite in 'em, and blows em all to pieces." "For sale, family vault, looks due south, room fcr two," is an alluring adrsrtbeaent publi&bed in Marseille*. Another, "almost as attractive, appears in Brussels:—" Well-built vault to dispose of, m charming residential neighbourhood on Nantur line, half an boor by rail from Brussels, ai 25 per cent, lees than cost price.* A Gratified Wish—**l was reading one of your old letters to-day, James," said m lady to her husband, "and you said in it. that you would rather live in endless torment with me than in bliss by Yourself:*', "Well, I got my wish!" was the •brutal .rejoinder.

"Johnnie," said his father, "I am 1 surto bear that yon have dared to dispute with your mother." "But the was wrong, pa," replied Johnnie. "That has nothing to do with it," said the boy's father; "you might just as well prcfit by my experiene, and learn once and for all that when a woman says a thing if so, it is so, whether it is so or not." "Well," said the magistrate, looking »ver his glasses at the defendant in the dock*." what have you to say!" "Say," interjected the indignant prosecutor; "he c-Zn't have anything to say., Why, be chucked me down the "front-doorsteps, •chased me for four streets, and then threw stones at me as long as I was in sight. *<*y, indeed! I " "Hush!" said the magistrate. "We've heard all that. Xow, defendant!" "I admit the assault your worship" said the dejected individual in the, dock; "but I plead great provocation. That man, your worship, is the collector for the firm that supplied cur piano on the hire system, and be had the impudence to call for an instalment while my two youngest' daughters were practising a dust, the eldest was singing, and I iru tying to write an important letter. Whv, ins enough to "make a man " " Three shillings, or one day," said the magistrate aiapasswnately.

WHILE THE FERRY WAITED. A» tbe ferry entered tbe tiip at> "Tbe Garden*,** two. dusty, panting, rxmpiring men and « small dog rushed down the bill to tbe back gate of tb© little park. A padlocked chain around the gatepost brought them to a sudden halt, and they b*ali.y compared upiniotui of tbe idiot who had placed it* there. However, tit* firry would leave in a few minutes, and there would be no other for an hour. The picket fence wa» Wn feet high, and th# men. were n»t young or ulimly buih, bnt they were game. With cracking mtrade* and bursting longs they cleared th<> top of tbe picket*. tb«n dropped limp and exhamttd to tbe ground inside, and rolled down the »teep bank into tbe .«hubbcry. Tbe dog, bring unable to climb the f«-ruV», pßfthed open the gate and fulktred them, ioo&y expresaing hia delight at their w»n derful performance. Then they noticed tftaa tbe chain did not include any |«orti»ti of the gat© in its enibra>>*. ltui thev taught the ferry joat the smith-.