WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13673, 15 August 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

. Tannens are the most generous of men. After butchering they always giro a hog A -weigh.

Bob: "See the accident?" Bill: "What accident.!" Bob: "That coivslip on the lawn."

Prompt and • regular settlements are commendable from .every point t,f view. Even the weather- settks everr few davs.

•; '"I confess- I can't understand what your babyia saying." It's a queer language, .isn't it-J" " Yes; sort of early English." . "'You seem to take a great interest in golf, SCsa Jones. Do you play ?" "Oh dear,' no; I shouldn't" even know how to hold the- caddie."

•'Viator:; "Why did you give up-that fashionable doctor you had.?". Widow : "I found his bills relieved more than his medicines!"

"Freddie, "why-did you drop the baby on- the floor?" "Well," I heard everybody saying he was a -bouncing baby, and I wanted to see himr bounce."

"Did you say your new doctors name ■was 'Steed?'* "Yes; Dr. Steed." "I should be afraid to engage him; sounds as if he were a great charger!" . Mofcorman, "You ran over that chap, Ara'you..going to stop?" "Yes; just as Booh as 'we reach a repair, shop, I heard something break when we hit him." : "When she gave you the piece of cake, did'you say 'Thank you'?" "Yes, ma; but it didn't do me no good." " Didn't do you any good?'' " Ho; 6he.didn't give me"'another piece!" . : *,* That"man is so holiest he wouldn't steal a pin," -said an admiring friend. "I never thought "much ■-. of the pin test." anairered Miss Cayenne. "Try him with an umbrella 1"

Mr. Toots (who, after-three days of poin, has /made up his mind to have a tooth pulled out)i: "Is Dr. Pullen in?" Page: "Ho, sir." Mr. Toots (with fer■Vour): ".* Good l. That is fortunate I"

_ .Littta "Maggie" (who has . company): •'We'To". been playing echool, mamma." Mammaj "Indeed! And did. t«jo behave nicely?" Little Maggie: "Oh, I didn't tare to behave. - I -was teacher." Daughter: "Dad? Why do you ask your patients -what they eat? Dees it assist your diagnosis V* Doctor: " Yes, iny child.* When I know what they have for dinner I" can form some tstimate what lib charge." Caller: "My, what a big girl you're getting to be. You'll sood be able to help yoili: mother about the house." Ethel: "'.Qh, r.'do that already- Whenever she Bays, 'For goodness* sake, get out of-my Var, T do it." ' Farmer (with wife and children): "How jnach-'fpr tickets for the. young 'urw?" •Railway Clerk : " Between five and twelve half-fare." Farmer: "Oh I bother it, Mary! We'll have* to wait till to-mor-tow; it's half-past twelve now I" "Mr- Ueeply/'-eaid the hostess, "won't Jon oblige me with one more song?" "Oh, really," replied the eminent basso, "the hour is so late. I'm afraid my singing "will disturb the neighbours." "Never mind that I They've got a dag whose howling'at night disturbs us!"

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotchman . were one day arguing as to ■which of the three countries possessed the fastest trains-- "Well," said the Englishman,. "I've been in our trams, and the telegraphVpoleshave been like a hedge." ** I've seen, the milestones appear like tombstones," said the Scott. "Be jabers!'' said Pat, 'T.was one day in a train in my counthry, and"' we passed a field of turnips and a field of carrots, also a field of' cabbage and parsley,- then a' pond of ■water," and we were going that quick I thought id was broth!" The race was over, the flag hoisted, and the crowd of fortunates who had backed ,the winner bad' gathered round the bookmaker to receive their winnings. One vacant-looking individual, who was evidently "seeing life" for the fii6t time, claimed £l. •* What did you back ?" asked the fat-faced man with the big waist. ■who. was standing on a stool. '''Silver Cloud,"-' replied the vacant one. " Why, man. alive, yelled the man with the satchel,, "that horse turned back and finished- at the ' starting post!" " I know that," said the other. " But didn't I back the'aoree. both ways?" There was a dull thud on-the greensward, and an anxious crowd gathered. The.man .with the big ■waist bad fainted.

•. ,A ; ;verjT fat captain, -who had been promeaadnig the bridge for soine time, noticed that his pilot's face wore a worried puzaded As he approached him ■with, a view to inquiring ■what the trouble ■was,- the pilot's anxiety gave way to one of "relieved amusement. "'Well, what it ill'*', asked the captain. "With a fruifkss attempt" to conceal a. smile the pilot replied: "T couldn't understand what made the heel over in such a peculiar inanoerj.'first to one side and then to the other." "And why was it? I trust there is nothing wrong," the captain said in great, alarm. "No, cap'n," answered the pilot,; adding rather reluctantly.: "It was only yourself, sir; ' being rather heavy yoagave the ship-a: list each time you crossed the bridge." JTo offence sir I" '- " FOOTBALL DAYS.

SitjrtrVtlie football days have ccme again, . tba"_ gladdest of,the' year; On«'eide of Willie's nose is gone, and Tom -"""• las- lost an ear; Heaped on. the field the players jab, and - punch, and • claw, and tear. TJiey knock the breath'.from thnse beneath, and kick without a care; They break each other's arms and legs, '■''.' pull joints out of place, " A' fractured rib is common in a foem'an's ' Lot .embrace. The freshman and the third-year man, be- " smeared, with grime and mud, Go.-gallantly_ to take the ball, and get all '•" Jjathed in blood; The senior knocks the junior down and -'' kicks him in the chest, Thft iigh school boy is carried home and genGy laid at rest, . Wipe here and a crowded 6tand col- ;;" lapses 'neatb its weight. And "forty people get more than tlioy paid '•... for at the gate. SOME HUSH BULLS. They had sprigs of gTeen in their coat", and the talk naturally turned to the ould sod,' drifting in the end to Irish bulls. "Iti was a fine bull," said a lawyer, "'that a speaker made in Pub'in in an attack' on the taxes. "They'll kape cuttin' the wool off the sheep that lays the golden epgs.' he "said, till finally they pump it dry.'* '"Perhaps it was the sam'' man." observed"a contractor, "who declared that the landlords, if thpy were landed on an vrihabifed island, in haif-'an-lionr ironW lave., their bands in'the pockets of the naked savages." "Maybe it'was be' too." sair! th<? srrocer," "who. made this bull—'Along the untrodden' paths of the firture we can seen thehidden footprints of an unBeen hand. ""Or this." .saiid a mreican—'We pursue tba'.-shadow, the bubble bursts, and leaves ibe.ashes in our hands.'" _."J3ofc why are "such blunders called EoTfe?" a- barber asked. jSo one could answer that question, ion. - .■-.'