WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13661, 1 August 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

'• Bobby: " What is the future of 'I lov<??" Loma:t"l divorce!". . t • ! Moneybag: " I .wonder what* is m-i&ant by ithe-'embarrassment? of riches?? ' I'oor■aHi "Th« : needy relation, very> likely.",' :Murray jMill:. "'Jack/Swift is, making ducks and* drakes of his fortune." WesteAd': " Yes;, and a. g<x>se .of, himself." > Young Mother: '"Thi-- ' doctor thmiis the ; baby looks like roe.— '• Vasitor : v ie=; I,wanted to say so, bat ieared you uiigh: be offended."" *•• ' ■"'■•• • ■ "■ ' -

"Well,, what was done in the -interim?" •■ Witness.: .'"I-don't .know; -srr. I'didn't go into the interm. * I stayed in the; ante-room.-" f ' --- • -

'Small Boy (at the circus, sternjy,- to his grandfather): .•"Don't laugh like that-,' grandpapa? people• Vt:ti' '.Liak ch'a' :■" "•'!--• tirstj time-yonVe cv->n ■• b~c-:» in'-.i" plu-r-e >.•;' amusement." - : '.'.'

•Reggie:- "'You-say sh« oniy partiuiy returned your affection? '-Gharle'fc :•' -, ies-; and; that's what I'm grumbling ab:.ut. She returned'all' the. love-letters, but kept all the jewellery." ,"How will'the g«mjai-find 1 room on li:r> • chest for 'those <two fresh ' medals;"-

■'Don't ' worry- about that- The minemfedals he. receives .tie prouder he gits, -arid 'the more bis chest expands." I" District Visitor: And how is the HttW girl-to-day?- Mrs..-Tuttle: "Law, ■ Mi-*, the doctor 'e examined her iwith ; his telescope an.'- took her temper an' all, an' '*• said as her unfensils was out of order."

." I wopder . of fcha earth. j?s the?'- "It's .namr-il enough. Nobody knows -exactly- whether age is." New. Shopman : ~ "Shall I say that w<_formerly sold, the goods - at three shillings -a yard!" Old Hand: " Make it two-and-eleveri. -You can't expect people to b-.-lieve that we ever sold anything at even figures." Sunday-school Teacher: "Did you ever forgive an enemy?" ' Tommy Tuffnut: '* Wunct." Sunday-school Teacher: "And ■what noble sentiment prompted you to do '■itr"'-.".Tommy Tuffnut: "He was bigger dan me."

Small Eleanor: "Papa, have you paid the doctor'for the new baby yet!" Papa: "No," dear. Why do you ask!" Small Eleanor: "'Cause if he charges full price I wouldn't pay it. It ain't near as big as the one he left next. door."

-He: "Do you remember the. night I ■proposed to you?"'. r She:- "Yes, dear." He: "We sat for* one hour, and yon never opened your mouth." "She: "Yfs. I remember, dear." He: " Ah, that wasthe happiest ; hour of my life." " You can't imagine," said the musical young woman, "how distressing it is'when a singer realises that she has lost her voice." "Perhaps not," replied the plain man, "but I've got a fair idea how d'stressing it is when she doesn't- realise it."

Miss CheHui».: "Did he like the draffs weeing!" Miss Byrd: "I can't decide from what fad 6aid." Mis* Chellrs: " Oh. I suppose you think he liked your voice best;." Miss Byrd: t Wet!, re t il!y, I don't know exactly what he meant. Wo said I sang well, but that you were better still." "What can I do to show my devotion to yon Marjory?" cried the young man"Tell me what T fan diy: Trrt m: *n the "test." "HI tell yon th*» Im'L wlmt von can do." replied the yonntr lady sweetly., "yon can many some other girl." Mib. De Fashion (at a children's party}: Marie-! Xnrsegirl : Yes.' ma'am. Mrs. De Fashion : ItV time for lis to go tome. Which of tlwse children is mine!

■ A five year old daughter of a prominent clergyman was listening to a <-tory her father was relating to the family! At the* conclusion of the story.eite tnrned tn her father and said, "Is that the tnith. papa, or are you just preaching?" His Reverence (severely) : " The chnr<-h furnishing- Li not turning out well at all. The woodwork in my pnlpit in partictilar ». in a state of dry rot. How do yon explain it ?" Joiner: '" Dnnno, mfeter, "unless the pnlpit became impregnated with yonr'sermons!"

- First Man: Do ynu know wtnt Brown is doing- just now? Second Man: Oh. be's'traveßing with a circns. Firet Man: Ah. that will be hard work. I should thinfc. Second Man: Xo; all he's got to do is to etirk his head in the lionV month twice a day."

BQKnsjs:. "" A. mpo know, his wife nntil after th<»y are married, no matter how long they have been <=n gaged." Darrow: '•* Ton are wrong th- re. Sometimes the giris have little brothers."

Doctor fto Gilbert, . aged four): " Pot yonr tongue ont, dear." Doctor: " Xo, no, pmV it right ont." The little fellow shook his Bead weakly, and the tears gathered in his eyes: "I can't doctor; it's fastened ; on to me."

Teacher of juvenile class"—"Johnnie, what was the. first thing the Pnritans did when th*y landed at Plymouth Rock?" Johnnie—"Thty fell upon their knees." Teacher—" That's right, Johnnie. Xcw Tommy, what was the next thing tbev did!" Tommy—"They fe}l upon the aborigines." •

A 1 minister of the Scotch Kirk, who wrs an enthusiastic golfer, found. great difficulty in controlling • his language, as a minister should, when luck w?s asainst him. One> day, after an unrfiunlly violent outburst, he walked along by the of his partner pale and downcast. At last he 6aid. "It's nae us?—T must gie it up, Andy V " What," cried Andy. " gie up the gowf ?" " Na—na, man," he replied, "the meenktry." A young foreigner consulted a doctor about his health one day, and was advised by the medico "to drink hot water an hour before breakfast every morning." The patient took his leave, and the doctor thought no more about it. A week afterwards, however, the young man came "back, and complained of feeling much worse. "That's curious," said the doctor; "did you follow my advice and drink lot water an hour before breakfast every morning!" "I did my best, sir." was the reply " but I couldn't keep it up for more than, ten minutes at a time!"

A Chicago paper offered £l2 for the most original advertisement for a Sunday issue. Among .those received whs the following:—" Wanted : Young in gaol -wants to gefrcnt; suggestions solicited that might restilt in immediate rel»rse: ■wants poet's address who wrote 'Stone •walls do not make a prison nor iron bars a cage.'—Address John L- 'Silber. County GaoL" This so tickled the pub'ic. that readers of the paper became interested fa the man, and as the result of an agitation, his pardon was granted by the Governor of the" State. WHAT SHE WANTED TO SAY. " John, the cook has left "

''Now, Gwendolyn, is it right to meet me.•with such news when I return home from the office all tired out and hungry—" "But John, dear, I merely want to say the cook has left— " "Yes, I know you 'merely, want to say.' ' And I merely -want to say that i*c a great shame that this honsthol.l ir. eternally disorganised. Other wom«>n man-" age to keep tbeir servants. Whir can't yon? Why—" "John Smith. I tell yon that rook inew von would be late, so *he Mt a cold , chicken, a custard pudding, and a pint of claret on the dining-room for' vbu. r '

"Well, Gwendolyn, why in the nam-' »f common intelligence didn't vou sav that at first!"