WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13655, 25 July 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Teacher: "What is a- hyppcrite, Sully ?" Sally: "A gal wot comes to school wi.'h a-smile'on 'er face I"

"Is it lard to propose to a.girl?" "Depends on the girL "How so?" "IfWho has been out several seasons it is hard not to." '

Minister's Wife: " Wake .up ! ..There are burglars in'the house, John." iliui6ter: "Well, what, of it? I*et them fiiw out the mistake for themselves." -. ; He: "Do-you think it would be foe' • of ine tio marry a girl who was ( my info; ior, intellectually?" She: "More than fool-ish-—impossible." Smawley: "Do you believe that money talk s?" Ardupp : "You bet I do. I no Boouer get my hands on a dollar : bun h'says 'Goodbye.'"

She: I think it very foolish to m >rry a poor man: Ke: Yes; bat' not half so-foolish as the poor man who .manM; that kind of girl. 'Tommy (excitedly): I say, pa the teacher was telling us to-day all abiSut. evolution, and do you know this, before. 1 was bom yon and ma, were monkeys !

The man who invents a machine m? that, people can drop*a penny in the slut and pick out a name for'the baby will surely make a fortune. It will t~-ke &t> many pennies ;o get a name to suit. The Playwright: "Honestly, now, what do yon think of my new play?" ThCritic: "Don't ask me. You're so much bigger and stronger than I am." He was telling her about the membeti of his cricket team. "Xow thcre'ii Brown," said he, "in a few weeks' •im<iall be our best man." "Oh, Jack," shgushed, "what a nice way to ask me!'' "Why do so many of you go round playing together?" the schoolboy asked the leader of the German band. "It vas safer," was the thoughtful reply of :he music-loving foreigner. Mr. Pater: "It must cease, madim. ' know for a fact that my son sp<.-tidi> a great deal of his time with you." fcue Brett: "Yes; and that's all."

Joe—What's the cause of all this twaddle about elevating the stage. I'd like to know? Fred—Wants to get it above tba level of the women's hats, I suppose. Mr. Wicks, money-lender—Because I knew your father so well I am only charging you 15 per cent. Mr. Brown— I'm glad you didn't know my grandfather, too.

Customes—Are you quite sure this butter, is fresh and of good unadulterated quality ? Shopkeeper—Oh, yes, 6ir ; it's been paralysed by two anarchists." He: Mary, thi3 millinery bill is unusually large. I thought we decided to be economical? She—And we have been. Haven't yon given up smoking and hors-e----racing, and the club? A raw Scottish lad joined the volunteers and on the first- parade day, hit> 6Jster came with his mother to see, the regiment. On the march-past Jock was out of step. "Look, mither," said his sister, "thev're a' oot o' slep bat oor Jock I"

Little Girl of Four standing entranced before the window of a toy shr.p) : 'Oh, mother, if you was my little girl wouldn't I take you in and buy you some of those lovely things!" Mrs. Scott: "You used to point Tom out to us as a model husband, and now you say he's lazy. Mrs. Mott: "Well, he's a model all right; only he ien't a working model." There are nervous women; there are hypernervous women. But women r.o nervous that the continual rustle of a silk shirt makes them nervous—no, there are no women 60 nervous as that!

"Why, Jimniie! Is it true that yon gave little Bobbie a bbek eye?" "Y-es-sum." "What excuse have you for such a brutal act?" "W-well, he provoked me." "How did he provoke yon?"' "He hit' back!"

"Yes, Mies Roxky and I are strangprs now," said Tom. "I've been asked not to call there again." "Yon don't say!" said Dick. "I suppose old Roxler had a hand in that." "Well—er—not a hand exactly." A gentleman signed to a tramp to hold his horse while he went in'o a shop. When he. came out again he generously handed the tramp a ha'penny. "Excuse me, sir," 6aid the tramp solemnly, "piense take it back again. Yon see, sir, I w;s just like.yon once upon a time: I used to have plenty of money, but I b-'gan throwing it away just like yon, sir, and yon see what I am to-day."" The driver of an old four-wheeler turned into one of the Edison phonograph shops the other night to have twopennyworth of "graph." The attendant handed him the ear tubes, placed them in proper position, and immediately started the machine. The old chap instantly dropped the tubes and rushed to the door crying, "Jupiter! 'old on 'arf a tick, there's a blanketty brass band a-comin' and there ain't nobady 'oldin' my 'orse," Employer: There's a man called Smith ot the foot of the High streef owes us fire pounds. You will call and collect the money. Collector: But there are about a dozen Smiths in that pare of the town. Which one is it? Employer: I'm really not sure, but youll know our Smith at once by the fact that he kicks you out. Mrs. Housekee.p: You're a big, heal hy man; why don't you go to work* We.try Walker: Lady, I'D tell yer me trouble. I'm an "unhappy medium." Mrs. Hous-e----ke What do you mean by that? Weary Walker: Well, yer see, I'm too heavy for light work an' too light fur heavy work. The other day a chemist, wi'h customers from a poor neighbourhood crowding his counter, said to a woman yon must take thia medicine three times a day after meals." "But, sir," said the patient, "I seldom gets meafe these 'ard times." "Then take it before them," quickly responded the man of pills,. passing to the next customer.

An Irishman, more patriotic than clever, enlisted in a dragoon regiment with the intention of becoming a gallant soldier. The fencing master had experienced rath-r a hard job in the matter of explaining to him the various -ways cf using the sword. "JTow, Pat," he said, "how wonld yon Tree yonr sword if your opponent feinted?" "Eegorra 1" said Pat with gleaming eyes. "Fd just tickle him with the poinL to"sea if he was shamming." A preacher in a small Scottish kirk once found his congregation going to sWp before he had fairly began. On seeing this he stopped and exrlr.imed "Brethren, it's no fair. Wait till I get a start, and then, if I am no* worth listeninjr to. gang to deep; bat dinna nod yer pows before I get commenced. Oie a baddy a chance."

Sothem was once discomfited br flicquick repartee of one of his andience. The great comedian ttm stupidly sensitive to interruptions of any sort, and seein<r a man in tie- act of leaving his box during the delivery of one of his speeches, he yelled ©Tit, "Hi, yon. sir. do yoti know there is another act?" The wonld-bs r?tirer was quite equal to the ocorHon. however. He turned to the actor and remarked cbeerfnlly, "Oh, yes; that's why I'm going." An Irish tenant farmer returning from a eomewhat distant market late one afternoon missed his way. and get into a boghole, where he stuck fast. His landlord, who knew well the locality, chancing to pass ehortly on horseback, noticed h:s tenant's dilemma, and smilingly out: "Hnlloa, Pat! you've got fixity of tenure now." 'Tee, begorra!" ejaculated Pat. "and I'd be moightily obliged if ye wnd evict me." A man entered a fnmon* restaurant and asked for coffee. After he had finishpf' his repast he railed the waiter. on<l raid. —"Waiter, this coft>e has its good points and its bid point;. One of its good pointr, is that it has no chicory in it." "Ye?, sir." replied the waiter, qnite gratified. Vasiore- of a handsome tip BW-°d his mind's evV. and he robbed his Lands gleefnlly. "Bnt." resumed the customer, "Its bad point is this—it has no coffee jn it."