Defence of the Pipe.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13655, 25 July 1908, Page 2 (Supplement)

Defence of the Pipe.

SOME TRUISMS CONCERNING THE DELUSIVE CIGARETTE. (By Barry Pain.) "The only thing that a man can smoke in the presence of ladies is a cigarette." This was said to me once by a Member of Parliament, and is a proof that the highest authority may be discovered even for the most pernicious doctrine. The cigarette, under the sweet name of "fag," is the joy of the. riff-raff. The Belgian chuft'eur,. when he takes out the lady's-maid in his master's car, seldom forgets to place a. cigarette in his unseemly face. Dirty ipernicious boys smoke cigarettes only. ,'flie cigarette is tlie means by whiek the seventh-rate actress expreeses her exact position. The bricklayer's' labourer has long ago discarded his decent clay, for "Honey-Pearls", at threepence the packet of ten—with two chromos and a. f chauc«. cf . a, Limerick jH'ize given in. .•■■••■ : A HEAVY INDICTMENT. ;It may further be observed that the cigarette mokes the! hand of its devotee unpleasant to. touch or sea As he. always inhales,, lie -is certain to injure his health, and, in consequence, his efficiency Then, the manufacture of the; cigarette may be considered. The one thing that can be said definitely is that, every cigarette is partly made of paper'.. To this may be added a certain amount of bronze or gold ink, some gum or paste, and tome tobacco or other material. The bust of, these may be chemically treated to insure quick combustion, and to, this I make no objection ;, the sooner a bad thing is over the batter. I am aware that in theory the interior of the cigarette consists of tobacco only, but in practice—well, in practice a great part of the cigarette making industry is in the hands of the Greeks. Tlie patrons of the Egyptian and Turkish cigarettes must be a. sanguine' people. ;So the cigarette, /unpleasant in its «s----sociationSj doubtful in its manufacture, nialodoroiiajn use, aiid uncleanly and unhealthy in its effects, is the only thing that, a man may- : smoke in-the presence of ladies! If that were true, then feminine sufirage wouldbe put back fifty years', so be the implication against the feminine intelligence. Fashions may be unreasonable—they generally are. They may be unhealthy—they often are. But fashions are not permanent. The popularity of the cigarette may spread aniong the uneducated of; all classes for a white, buifc they will also learn in time. As a humane mail, I hope they will learn before they die. Among the educated the pipe lias never lost its place of honour. It it has lost ifc elsewhere, the reasons 'may be discovered. . : . THE ''BANDIT'S" DEVICE.

■ When the alien and economical waiter has saved enough but of his earnings (or otherwise)' to start a-little'tripe-emporium of his own, ; he disposes the dummy cham-pagne-bottles, ' the dead rabbits, and the tbmatoes with' an artistic hand iiir his .front .window,-and gets out his catalogue of daily deceits on , the gelatine capyiiigarrangemeht. ' Then he borrows a hammer, steps into his back parlour, and nails up over the three marble-topped tables- this notice: "No pipes allowed in this saloon." Anybody of commercial intelligence sees at a glance the sole reason why this notice- is-put up. It is to help the alien to dispose at a. profit, of 700 per cent. of. his stock of cancerous cigars and miasmatic cigarettes. . It -is put up not > because . any social disqualification, or any other disqualification attaches, to the pipe, but simply to enable this bandit to.get fat by selling Itis. own peculiar pestilences. ; Bigger, and better.'restaurants, have almost universally: followed the same line; pipes bring no profit to. the macaroni merchant, but the cigar and cigarette swindle fills the till. So the .duffers arid weaklings not only submit to be swindled,'.but take 'their lessons in etiquette from the back kitchen. ■ Then, again, if a young man begins his smoking career with a pipe, circumstances jnay occur to give him a prejudice against pipes in future* If he begins with a cigarette he may reward its leniency, somewhat excessively, with a lifelonc devotion. One attains to the cigarette by ! adventure,-'- but. to the, pipe by experience and education. , HINTS TO BEGINNEHS. i The beginner has much to learn before lie can siuoke. the pipe in its perfection. Many fallacies beset him. " There to ■start with, the. damp ; tobacco fallacv. It is 'cosy to "understand how- it finst arose; there is a, fair profit to.be made by selling water at the price of, tobacco. .People with, a perverted ingenuity .have, even invented jars and pouches specially desigti,ed, to keep -tobacco moist. Now no ! moist tobacco is" fit.~to. smoke ; it {iV. precisely that moisture that .causes the hot, slinking .vapours that ruin, 1 ' the; enjoyment of : a ; pipe: >Drytobacco,, properly'.packed in the bowl, is tho eoblest-.smoke. ; '.■,..'■:[ :-.-' Then -there is the patent-pipe fallacy. You can always sell a patent pipe to. . the neophyte. He Hikes \ to believe; -that the ' round' twice;- g'oes : -up - ; a flight:of -steps,.andtcarefully closes a : door.•; behind-vit to prevent "'nicotine■■'froin, j^nterrng:the\in'Outhpiece.- He.likes to con- : suit.Va.sectional'".diagram/:.with .dotted 1 \

lines to if, , to see which end of th« complicated apparatus he is to put in his innocent mouth. The more things he has to unscrew after each -smoke, the better ho likes it. But when ho is no longer a. neophyte he will'see that lifo is short, and that we have many things to learn ;'• and that, us we can smoke while wo arc learning them, the simplest form 'of pipe is the best, and .unneceusary trouble t-hotild be avoided. Our neophyte "is the possessor of a pipe-rack,• constructed to- foul the mouthpiece of every pipehe possesses; he will leam to discard it. He smokes pipes that : may have been given him as presents, though they 1 do not lit him and destroy ■ his comfort. , ■ Presentation pipes should not be smoked; they are generally very handsome,, however, and can easily be presented to somebody else. : The lit of the pipe-is far more important than its appearance —the. weight, the size of the bowl, the shape of the mouthpiece, must suit the smoker. His tobacco must suit him too, and he must have the courage to assert himself and resist recommendations. \ There are several mixtures which are very good, many which are vile;. but not one' which is the best for everybody. His tobacco must suit his health, his palate, and his manner of smoking. Why does not some intelligent manufacturer issue a , form with six questions for the ditwitisfied smoker to answer, and on. information obtained make up a mixture, which will suit him exactly? When our neophytehais found his tobacco ho must learn by experience how to pack it. Ho must learn how to break in a new pipe, and how to keep it in order. " EDUCATION."

Cigarette smoking is easier of attainment than pipe emoking. You may learn tho whole, thing, including the cant and Hie affectations connected with it, in a few. momenbs. The cigarette smoker as a rule talks a gre,at deal about the 'names on boxes, and knows nothing ..about the growth or methods of manufacture. [ Not one cigarette smoker in ten can tell you what really constitutes the difference' between Egyptian and Turkish' cigarettes/ It must be admitted that the cigarette is prettier than tho pipe. It has been definitely declared that no man,, may smoke a pipe when he is wearing a. tophat; that is, perhaps, the most damning thing that has ever been said against th« top-hat. The cigarette is called "dainty,"-' but this must be taken to infer to its outward appearance only. As a matter of fact many women who object to tho rank smell of a cigar or the sickly, smell ,cf the Eastern cigarette have no objection, to the pleasant fragrance of good tobacco in a clean briar.

The pipe• belongs to Iho educated." 10 is llie only form of smoking which can'be enjoyed .-when one.is reading or writing. The, pipe smoker may.be linfasbionablc, but is also undeterred./■■•He'shas.his. compensations. . -". ~'f