WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13650, 18 July 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Did ycz iver make iny money backin' lorse ß , Mulligan?" "Sure, Ui made twenty pounds -wanes." "liuvr did ye* d« ■of!" "Oi bucked him down a cellar, awn thin sued th* inoa for lavin' th* door open," Wife: "You mtitt aend me away for my health all once. 1 am going into a {terilhw-" Husband: "Why, whatever makes you think ao!" Wile: "All my drosses are beginning to feel comfortable." ">"ow," said the teacher, who had bttn giving an elementary talk upon archiucture. "Can any boy tell me what a "buuresa' is!" *"X know," tihouted Tommy {smart. "A nanny goat." "There's my sous portrait that you painted. It's just■ ilke him." "Ho never paid me for it'." "Juct like him." Lady: "How dirty your face is, little boyl" Boy: "Yes; w» haven't had company to tea for moro than a week." " There goes Mr. Thikktredde." baid the lady golfite. ' "He p> a conversational foozle." "How's that " asked ilr. Clceke. "He makes love when he ought to play golf, and he talks golf when ho ought to make love."

"The man who moved our household goods forgot father's portrait." says Mrs Kentem, "and left it hanging on thj wall." "I remember your father," said the caller. "Why, since you speak of it, I recall that during life he- was celebrated for his unremoved countenance." " Lend us a bob, Sam." " 'Ow do I know I shall get it back?" "I promise it yer on the word of a gent." " Well, bring the gent down '«ro lr> me, and yer shall 'ave it." Teacher: "You have named all domestic animals save one. It has bristly hair, it is grimy, likes dirt, and it fond of mud. Well, Tom!" Tom (shamefacedly) : "That's me."

"I am willing to do anything." said the applicant for ■work. "All right," said the hard-hearted merchant; "please cli*e tha door behind you when yon go out." Magistrate (about to commit for trial): : "You. certainly effected tbe. robbery in b. remarkably ingenious way—in fart, with ""quite exceptional cunning." Prisoner fde- . precatmgly): ".No flattery, yer honour '—no flattery, I begs on yer." ' "The Hind of Blood," 'Xmnb'T Two Company, touring the small towts, bad arrived at Frostby-on : Splosb. A few moments before the. curtain was to rise, th« Heavy Father peeped through and in.»pectcd the audience: "Whati aort of a house is it2 Many people!" inquired the- Hero. "Better than last night, deax boy. But •we're still in the majority." It was afternoon and thus spoke the teacher of the village school: " Now, boys, the word 'stan" at the end of a ■word means 'place of.' Thus", we have Afghanistan, the- .place of the Afghans; also Hindustan, the place of the' Hindu*. 2fow, can anyone give me another instance?" "Yts, sir," 6aiii the tmalltbt boy, proudly, "I can. Umbrellaotau, the. place for umbrellas!" An old lady was standing iii the middle of a group of spectators at a recent local junior football match. The ground was Slippery, and the way the players tumbled about seemed to cause her a great' de;d of alarm. At last she could rtatrain ht-r----eelf no logger. Fixing her ey<.& on a redhaired you.h, the cried loudly: "Johnny, if you tumble, mind you doesn't tumble back. "When I was mending your pants last week I forgot to take tibe needle out; and it's there yet V Mrs. Mack had found the art of planting a sting in the most pleasant way. fcf'uwas nov content merely to get her own back when she was angry, but she inflicted little on her neighbours through sheer inability to reprtcs her feelings. "How delightful to see you again. Mrs. Mack." *aid an elderly acquaintance, meeting- ber when out shopping. "Why. it must, be close upon ten years tince we met. And it's so nice to think that yon remembered me after all this time. Ymi knew me at once. I begin to think I can't have changed eo very mncb." "Ob." «ai«J Mrs. Mack. with a sweet smile and an acid tone, "I recognised your bonnet'." *Thia is what happened io a Glasgow xrorking man when be tried to make his wife's home happy by reading the police sews to her as contained in his evening paper. In due> course be reached an interesting trijal for assault, the reporti vbich concluded as follows: " Tlvs case was held over until to-morrow, as the presiding magistrate said he found considerable difficulty in pronouncing sentence." " Bear me," commented the reader's wife, "he canna hae been a man o' mnckle edicatiion, surely, or he wadna hae found any difficulty in pronouncin' an easy word like that."

It was in Tasmania that a traveller came across an old '•sundowner" Bitting in front of his cabin, over the door of ■which was very legibly painted, ''lci on parle francais." A. tattered, dejectedlooking Frenchman, who happened to be passing up the road, apicd the inscription and, rushing Trp to the colonial, enthusiastically kissed him- on both cheeks. " 'Ere, ■what'r yer up to!" demanded the landowner gruffly; "don't; do that 2 S n -" "But y on vas a countreeman of mine." exclaimed the delighted Frenchman, with a smile of pleasure- "Certainly not!' retorted the colonial. "But yon put 'lci on parle francais' over ze door," said the Frenchman, pointing t*> the inscription. "Well, what do yon call it ?" asked the Bnndowner in mild surprise. "Wliy_ it means Trench is spoken h?re.'" ' "Wvll. Fm blowedt" exclaimed the Taemanian in deep disgust'. "A painter rhap came along here the other day. and "put that up for ine. He said it was Latin for 'God bless my happy home.'" "What is the longest word in the dictionary!" was the question pnt by a jokeloving old gentleman to a smart schoolboy the other day. "Trarsubnan'iation." ■war the prompt" reply, for the lad knew Bomething of dictionaries. "No," ea'd the questioner, "the longest word is 'b'leagoer" because thero is a 'league'—three nril«, you know—between the two first letters arid the last one. Come now. I"l give you a shilling if you can tell me a longer word tlrm that." The boy rendered awhile. He wanted thot sbilHue. "What about 'elastic'?" said he. ••Elastic! That' 6 not a long word." "Xo, but you can always stretch it." The old gentleman, with many i-lmcklii-. was about to produce the shilling: bnt tho smart boy had not done yet. "I know a longer word still," he remarked triumphantly. "What is it!" "King— because it has no end to it." was the ■iiniliug r*plot the you'h, who subsequently retired the richer by a florinTwas midnight, and all wps Mill in the house. Suddenly the dnnr-lvll ranrr. and the- doctor, whoso ears w?s wlltjrained, awoke. Someone needed his nervices. lie concluded, and he walked eoftiy down tlie stairs and opened t lie door. "Miss Caroline Toinkios." paid the late caller. Miss Tomkins was Hie dorters, cook. "She has retired said the worthy doctor. "This is for her." said the man. handing the doctor a tissue paper package from which peeped flowers and b'"Ts and leaves. The man- departed, and the doctor closed the door. Some' admirer of cook's, he supposed, had br<»><jlif 1»t a Tbonquet. He walked into the kitchen, placed tb*> package in a dasli of wntT. and'retired. An indijnian* cook stood b--f art), him next morning. "I -n-ivh to give notice." *lk> announced. 'TH. not <.t--.y another day in a hove- where finv var mintr'TutS' my new hat in a of wW!" *

HHaBoI"- exclaimed Jones, as he was coming l home the other nisfhl. pen•pie in tL'K'liPtriFe fare Mfr a window nr" i ; B»psfc let» fhem know." S« n« i>"t !>'* toead in at the window nnd -hent'-d "Hal-lol*l-«e y«nr bav»'-Wf " l>nt lip «">' no further, for inst th< •» ;>. pail of wat.r et.rnck him in the fare, and a voice <•*- claimed—"Didn't I tell yot'wli.H ?<>n •would •. if you - weren't home by ten b'clock-'-