WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13644, 11 July 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"He bad a.play produced by an amateur company the other night, I believe. Who ■was the hero of it, do you know?" 1 .was one. I sat through it." Drowning Lady (to shop assistant on the tank)- "Help! I'm drowning! Throw me" a life belt." Affable Shop Assistant: "Certainly, madam; what size do you take'." <l I'm afraid, Edward, you re marryin 0 xne only because I've inherited £IO,OOO from my uncle." "Why, Blanche, how can yon think that of me? Your uncle » nothing to me! I would marry you bo matter from whom you inherited the 'The browbeating counsel does not always get the best of it. " I can teach you law, 3 ir but I "cannot teach yon manners," thundered an enraged K.O. to a more than nnsually'trying witness. The latter smiled slightly. "That is true," he said. . •' See that you don't get hurt, Sam. It * dangerous Working here in the quarry. Oh! nothing can happen to me, Joe, I've borrowed ten shillings from the forejnlth, and since then he doesn't let me dor' any dangerous work." "Madam, I must request you. to remove your hat," remarked the' polite theatre attendant. The lady smiled grimly. "Uoes my hat annoy the little man behind me? "Yes, madam." "Then yon'll find it much * easier to remove him."

- Arab (as Mr. and Mrs. Smith appear): "Sh' - Yon vant a guide? I am the best guidein-Algier! For . five franc I take you to Arab cafe, veer Inglees not 'lowed. For 'ten franc I show ze street veer it is dangerous |for ze Inglees for to go, and for. twenty franc—sh!—I stand you on ze place veer ze last Inglees tourist vos got shot!" Air. and Mrs Smith sailed by r the next:, sfceamfer.

.'•yicari "John, do you—er—ever use etrong" language?" John - (guardedly): " WelU air, I—l may be a little bit keer-lesa-like in" my- 'speech at times." Vicar : " Aft/ I'm sony John.'- But we will corfTerse abont that" sonie ■ other time. Justjibwi l want "you to go to the plumber's andi settle this bill of £4 10a. for thawing out :a waterpipe. And . you might just talk-to the-man in a careless sort of way, as if; it were your own bill." .For t-wo hours the fashionable lady kept the draper exhibiting his" goods, and at the eAd of that period she sweetly asked: "Areyou quite sure you have shown me everything yon have?" "No, madam, raid the draper, with an insinuating smile, "I-have yet an old account in my ledger ■which. I shall very gladly show you." He did not need to show any more. The lady , left the shop saying she would call again another day. , ' Mrs Winks: "Mrs. Ayres and hjahusband have had a dreadful quarrel, just because she gave him a letter to post, and he- carried it about in his pocket for a week: Isn't it sfliy berl "- Mr \ Winks: "M&ybe that would make yon mad, too. Mrs. Winks: "Oh, John, I wouldn't lose my temper over a little thing like that." Mr.-Winks: "I'm glad to hear you say it, my dear. I-just, recall that .I've still got that letter you gave me last Wednesday."

In Sir Drummond Wolffs Reminisences are many good stories. There is this about Lord Stratford de Bedcliffe which has not besA published before :—An anecdote used tobe told of Lord Stratford and the dipIr.inagt-. whom he succeeded in the United States. Every-effort was made to prevent their meeting, as both were known to possess very' violent tempers. It 'was, however, impossible, to avoid their being together for one evening, and Lord Stratford dined with his predecessor. After dinner,, the host offered Lord Stratford a qip of tea. Lord Stratford, beaming with conciliation, said, "This tea is very good:" Thereupon his. host rose np in fury and said, -" I understand the taunt, sir! My father was a tea merchant!" ."-Of Sir Henry Wolff's early siories some of .the best are about Archbishop Magee. Here is one-which remains-good, even if, as one rather suspects, it is not absolutely fresh:—The archbishop used to relate a. story that once, finding many society people , travelling first and second class, and wishing to avoid them, he entered a third class carriage. There was no one in-j it:.except a farmer, who said to the bishop, "I suppose .you'd be something inthe clergy line?" to which he assented. The farmer.then said, " fe your curacy in this neighbourhood ?" , The' bishop replied, "No, : no., I am sorry to say I have no curacy.- I was a-curate\ once, but am one no longer." -To which the fanner rejoined, "I suppose it was the drink?" Archbishop Magee was once asked to many a whisky manufacturer in Dublin': —After the ceremony the bridegroom said, - " I do-not know how to thank your lordship.. I wish I could do something that might be pleasing to you. All I can say is,v The Lord be with yon!'" The bishop replied, ' "And with thy spirit!" On one occasion the witty divine was stayng with a gentleman in his diocese, and was invited by; his host and hostess -to a picnic:— The luncheon basket, had been badly packed, and. everything was mixed. The gentleman of the house made use of some very strong phrases, and his wife was anxious as to the effect this would produce on the bishop. The latter said, "It -was fortunate .that; we had a layman here- to make rsc of the appropriate language." ' A short time ago. in Dublin there were a large number of private stills, and a Lohdon detective was sent'to try to put some of them down. When he arrived there he saw a young fellow standing about, and he said to himself. " This is a likely man; I'll try my luck with him." So he asked the young fellow if he knew where there were any of the private stills. The man told him he did, and offered to take ftim to one for a small present. The detective readily agreed, and they set out together. After about an hour's walking, and the detective had traversed all round Dnblfti, they arrived at the barracks. " There yon are!" said tie young fellow. 'What!" said the derive. "Why, yon see that mail over there?" "Yes," said .the detective. " Well," said the young fellow, "he's been in the Army thirty-seven years, and he's a private still."

"At an out-of-the-way little station in the North," said a certain railway guard, "a. party of working men wished to book to a town in the Midlands to see a football match. Unfortunately the booking clerk had only a limited number of tickets for that journey at his disposal. Eventually he got out of the difficulty bi dividing the pieces of pasteboard and issuing children's tickets to the party, at the same time explaining to me how matters stood. "They've paid the full fare, of couree," he remarked, -'so yon must see 'an through.' "2 had almost forgotten the matter when a ticket examiner at It—— came to me, and remarked with a sorrowful shake of the head: " This nnder age dodge is getting too warm!"' '"What's the matter?" I asked. "Matter?" he echoed, disgustedly. "Why here's whole carriage ful o' children wot plays cards, drinks whisky, and wears whiskers!" A passenger by train wanted to read, but a man opposite would persist in trying to talk. After several brief replies the reader became irritated. "The grass is very green fan't it?" said w>"ld-l>? conversationalist, pleasantly. "Yes," was the answer, "such a change from the blue and red grass we've been having lately!" Silence reigned supreme, and the reader began another chapter.