WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13638, 4 July 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

jap*!*--* Mother —"Do you think that young man has saved-anything!" . daughter—"Undoubtedly, ma. lie says he has never loved • before." . Mrs. Gaswell —"The Czar of Russia has now four little daughters." Mrs. Mal-optop-r" Oh, the -dear little. Czardines Mis. A. : "1. bought a !u t . of things at the" bargain p.aie yesterday."-. Mrs. B : "JDld'yoa get. anything you wanted?" Po^t: "This, eir, k the only , poein I ever.-wrote." 'Edi.or: '' Well, cheer up. jSobody's going to take' •it away from you." 'Pompous Gentleman—"l have no.uing but pratoo for our : new minkur." Collector (after glancing at'the contribution >:iieet)~ "So I see." . , - - . . " Willie: . '"There's a new baby at our house 1" Mrs. Jones:/ "Ah, whats his* nairid?" "Willie"We dunno ye.. Me can't "talk." « ; < Jack—"What is the secret of 'your popularity witU' the ladies?" Tom —"I always mistake, the society queens for'debutantes,.; and the* debutantes for society queens." * 'Mother —■-'"There were .two tipples in the cupboard. Tommy," and now there is only one. How's that?" Tommy (who sect* no way of ! escape)—"Well, ma, it ■was so dark in there I didn't see*, the other." She —" I hear MifS Chatter is talking of getting married again." He—"Didn t know ebe was ever married." " She wasn't; I -"said she was talking of it again." "Society is going to the- dogs," declared the rapid scion of a noble houte. "What's the matter now, Dick?" "Pawnbroker at, the reception this afternoon, wearing my diamond pin." *'l know," said Mrs. B , "that i> isnt my Willie that is quarrelsome. Why. he will play here all day by h mse! f and I will never hear a ward. But just as Boon as the other boy comes there is sure to be a fight-." M«4 Kay (in fcramcar) —" 1.6 really kind of you, Sir. Crabbe, to. give me your seat." Mr. G'rabb?—Not- at ail. We men are getting tired of being accused of never giving up our euais except to "pretiy girls' "It must be very hard to lr.ee your daughters," said the wedding guest to the bride's father. "Isn't it?" replied .that gentleman. "It was a very hard job to get rid of Maud: you see, she's •the plainest looking of the lot." Conceited Actor—" You (should have seen the audience sitting open-month-tl ■when I was playing Hamlet last night." Critic—"Ah. yes, it must be dreadful to 6©e an entire audience all yawning at once."

Toper: "What shall I take to remove the ■ redness from my nose?" Doctor: "Take nothing—especially between meals." Sympathetic Old Lady (to trump): "Ah, my poor fellow, life is fnil of Tramp: "It are, mam. What was yon tried for*" "What a good job it' was a doctor's motor that run over him." "Ytir, thatV Bill |JohESflin all over. l*E- always is lucky t" Johnny: "Ma, this paper says children catch lots of diefeases going to schm!." Mamma: " Well, I 6uppo.--e they do." Johnny: "Do I—er—have to keep on going!" Pat: " What makes ould Casey so m?I----ancholions to-day ?" Old Mike "Didn't ye hear he was afther tfcmblin' into the canal on Saturday night an' swallered a frog—an' hhn a strici: vegetarian?" Doctor: "Madam, your hasband nvst have ateolnte wet." Madam: "Well, doctor, he won't listen to me " Doctor: "A very gnod beginning madam—a very good beginning." The following telegram was cent by. a member of a football 'earn: —"No>e broken—which do yon prefer. Greek or Boman? Telegraph answer befrre the doctor «ts it."

Prom America etjme the- following chacterictic Yankee repartee :—A pub'ic functionary in high office went to make enquiries about a new settlemert that was to be founded. He asked the bead wist was meet ■wanted. The reply we. '* We require water, and a little good Bociety." Tfcet functionary answered, "That's what- hell requires."' Wickwire—"You ought to be aslwmed of the way you encourage that Mrs. Gweip to call here. Do you really enjoy hearing .your - neighbours talked about ?" Mrs. Wickwire—"No, I can't My that I do. But as long as I k"ep lier here I know she is not talking abont me." Dns'y Daniel: " Please, sir, will yon lend me a. shilling to get something t.o eat?" Swell: "Why, yon've got a fhii'ing in your hand ik.w ! What's that for ?" Dusty Daniel: " Oh, that's to tip the waiter!" Lady (suspiciously) : I suppose you dustmen often find valuable articles in the dustbins, don't you? Dustman: Oh. yes, the- last time wa cleared out yo«r ashpit we found some cinders that might have been burned, some rags that mijlst have been peed for patching rp oVthes, and a bone with fome meat on it. Really, mum. you ough l - to be more careful. " Jeems," said the laird to bis gardener, "there was something I was going to ask TOU, but for the life c' me I ranna mind what it was." "Mebbe," fia id .Teem-, who Lad received no pay for three week.', "it was to spier at m?, wa' way I wnkeepin' body and ponl together, on the •wages I vnwma gettin'." "Ah!" sighed the sentimental maid. "I could fit and gaze a - the moon f"r Ikhttb." "Would I were tha man in i\" said the callow yi>nth, who was helping her to ,hold down the rustic on the lawn. "Same here." she replied, wearilv. "Then von would hj? cetrly 210,000 mil.6 away:" A well-known speculator on the Stork Exchange was ri tin? in a friend's office one hot day. and during the conversation, which was chiefly about rtock* and o£ different kind.*, he informed b"s friend that Tie had piek»d up a cheap during the winter. "It- «tood r.' 33 then, and if, -truch t "-d eighty-four!" li = said. "By Jove! whnt n '"xtrem-V Irc*.r fellow vju nr* J Whnt- was i| *" caid It's friend. "Only a thomome'er." wa» the quiet reply. An excellent eWtione-Tinp an^rilr.t- 1 is told aborrt Colrrel Stnrt:—Hnce. when canvassing at Dorehfrter, a bootmaker whom he employed in London h n 'l fen 1 him a new pair of boots. of simply charging for the- hnoti. be added acceseorii". on to his bill. The bo.- ts were two" guinear. and in addition h a cifarged sepnratrlv for patent caps, patent Jaces, pa'<ent Sieeta. up the account to more than FA. Colon 1 c t"T+ telegraphed to him. "Thanks f~r boot" and the bill. Yott have forgotten to charge for the lea'b-r." It was said that- Baron Bramwell. when presiding over the eircnit in Wa!<s. asked by Mr. Morgan T.loyd to be allowed to addrere the jui-v in WeVh. as- nore of them understood English. Baron En>rnwell assented, btit had near him on ')>- bench some (ra» who tr->rslat-rd the as it wm delivered. This vi- Mr. Mm-, gan Lloyds pei-oration in favor of th~prisoner:—" Whnf I tell yon is trn'h and justice. And." poin'ing to P.nron P.r"™'well, "when that old man in a wig tell* yon anything to the mntran*. von mnst believe me and not believe h : m."