WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13608, 30 May 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Host tea: "Mr. Litewayte L> gf>i«S "> sing a comic song." Guest : "I kiKW something would happen. I oivvrturti-td a salt-cellar »t the ainner-table."

"Can you support my daughter in tiie style to which she has been aecumtomed ' v Mo. sir! I don't intend to k-.-tp on buying her sweetmeats and tlovt.-t.-i. £he II have to do without them." "That .Vtitii Goggles is. a walking •'•neyclopeadia." "But. she doesu t know ws tain.ii <u» aho did. She ju.*t had her appendix removed." 1 Mrs Crawford: "In what way is your little boy too delicate- to attend thf public schooLs?" Mre- Crabahaw: "He i*n't strong enough to carry home alt the foooL. thn' children have to study." A Western teacht-r. instructing a eta.-?

in coittposdtion, swid: '"Do nut attempt any thgais of fancy. ll.« vottr.M-.-lve-. »u>; write what is in yoit." The following day a. bright pupil handed in thiw: "HV- should not attempt any tliets of fancy, rite what in. in us. In m-e there iw my stomach, iutig-v h- arc. iiv.r. two appl>-s-. one pifee.i of mince pie, three stick;. ot' taffy. and my dinner." Among the seven deadly mus which render a Japanese husband jro-tifted in divorcing his wife are "talkativeness t»» the extent of setting: her relatives at variance," jealousy, and stealing. " But you said. he- married a woman of independent means?" " Pardon m>'; I said he- married an independent woman of means t" Mrs. Gadleigh: "What did the Count ?ay when he broke your lovely Chin-i.se vases?" Mr. Gladkigb: "He apologised it. broken English." Lawson: "bow did yonr candidate come out?" Dawson: "fiplendidly f He got half the votes he claimed, a third of ihe number promised, and a quarter of what he- expected." Composer: "Of course I can't write opera that everybody will bo pleaded with" Manager: I don't ask you to. All I ask you to do is to write opera that everybody will pretend to be pleased with." Cycle Dealer: "Here's a cyclometer I can recommend. It is pcsitively accurate —not at all like some, which register two miles, perhaps, when you have only ridden one." Young Lady: "Von haven't any of that kind left, have you?" "Look here," said he. "I want it settled, once and for all, who i«. to be the man of the house from now on!" "Yon

are, of course," said' she. "-Do you suppose I wish to be anything so insignificant. vacillating, and contemptible as a man?"

"Here," roared the old jndg-> to iu.s son, studying law with him. "yon told me you had read this work on evidence, and yet the leaves are not cut." "Used X-rays," yawned the l versatile son; and the judge chuckled with delight as he thought what a lawyer the boy would make. An absolutely new dog story has been found. Here it 'is (salt to taste). A gentleman wss out shooting the other day. when he had he misfortune to hit his dog. For a moment he was too overcome to see what damage he had done, and before be had quite recovered himself, tin? animal, a black retrievtr. had com- 1 up tr> him, bringing in its mouth its own tail—which had been cut clean off.

"You use a great many words that don't mean anything," said the politician's friend. "Did you ever take note of the bell-ringing and steam-puffing and general racket that occurs when an engine pulls out of the station?'* "Yes." "Weil, that's how it is with me. It tnfce-r a lot- of noise to get my train of thought started, bat once under way I defy :;n_vhotly to stop it." The renewed fighting between our troops and the warlike Afridii; bring.* to mind ;ti incident of an earlier campaign. An ofti eer of the British force pointed oat tf» one- of the friendly Afridisr bearing arms with his men a black fellow r>ktt!king round the fort, obviously with :vil intent, ea.-my, "I t-tt'- him Mir; had two shot* "I ste him, sar." replied the Afrtdi je-ntry. pcin ing with hk finger at the Afridi at him already. Him very hard to hit; him the hardest man to hit I knew." '"Ah. then, you know him, do you?" said the officer. " Ygs, sar, I know him—great rascal—been tryin' shoot him all do w t ek." "Well, who is he?—what's his name?" " Oh. bery great rascal, sar—he mv father I"

A lawyer onto asked a man who had at various times sat on several j tints: *" Who influenced yon most, the lawyers, the witnesses, cr the judge?" He expected to get some useful and interesting information from so experienced a juryman. Thisr was the man's reply: "I'll tell yer. sir, W I makes tip my mind. I'm a plain man, and a reasonin' man, and I ain't influenced fay anythink the lawyers say, nor fay what the witnesses say; no, nor bv what_r he judge sez. I just looks at the mnn in the dock, and I says; 'lf he ain't done nothink. why's he there ?" And I brings 'em all in guilty. A few days ago two young ladie.« haiFed a tramcar, entered it, and found onlv standing room. One of them whispered to her companion: "I'm going to get a seat from one of these men. Yon take notice." She looked down the row of men and selected a sedate gentleman who borv tingeneral settled appearance of a iimn*.E man. She sailed tip to him and btddlv opened fire: "My dear Mr. Ore. ■«! Efnir delighted I am to meet you. Ye it are almost a stranger. Will *1 accept, your seat' Well, I -do feel tired. I heart ilv admit. Thank yon, st> much." The- s,--dafc| gentleman—a total stranger, of coarse—looked, listened, then qnietly ro?e, and gave up his seat, saying: "Sit"down. Jane, my girl. Don't often voir out. on a washing-day. Yoa mret ff-i tie d. I'm sore. How's yonr mistress?" The young- lady got her seat, but lost her vivacity. "Pay attention, now,*' said the? school master, addressing h r s class* t!i gpography lesson. "The population of China i* so great that two Chir.-»tnn di.every time we take breath." This information made a deep impression on the - juvenile scholars, and the master was- particularly struck with the uncomfortable appearance of one small boy at the t>ot of the class. His face was Unshed, and he was puffing furiously. "TVpat r» the matter?" inquired the school master, with alarm. " What on earth are yoa dotnji. Tommy?" "Killing Chinamen, please, sir," was the answer. "I don't- like rhem foreigners', so I'm getting rid of jt\=t many as I can!" In a Scotch village where a yomitr dno tor had lately started practice, a workman had the misfortune to g*>t hi.« badlv bruised in one of the mill?. A doctor was sent for. and. on properly dreeing th - finger, the man nearly fainted. H- wis asked if he would take a little spirits to revive him. Mon." he -"-xriainiirl with feeling, "that wad jnst be very life • o* me I" The doefor gave him a n-rH.,I gtaes. which he ywal?ow»>d. and. on recovering hi* br<»ath. his fir-r «-m ! wre:—"W--IF. doctor. I ken nnro' Ht r F abont yer -skill, but. mon. ye ket-p prand medicine !"