WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13602, 23 May 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Student: "Something is preying on my mind-" Professor W. -. "It must be very hungry." Wisdom is something-which comes to a man when he is too old for it to do him much good. He: "I'd just »3 lief he hung for a sheep as a lamb." She: " Welt, you'll be htmg for neither: you'll be hung i»r a calf or nothing." Maude: " But surely you admit that a horse-shoe is a sign of good luck'! Jack: "Not fur me. Kvery wretched horse I ever backed wore shoes !" "I tell yoa the dog does not belong to me." " "Then why does he follow you?" "I don't know. You are following me. and you don't belong to me." Professor (examining medical student) : "If yon are called out to a patient, what is the first question yoa would ask'" Medical Student: "Where he lives?" Soldier: "Are we safe here, with your master'* wine and cigars'.'" Valet: " Perfectly. I told him not to show himself because the tailor was watting with his hill."

Client: "Didn't- yoa make a mistake in going into law instead of the army:' Lawyer: "Why?" "By the way yon charge there would be little left of the enemy." '"John, d'» you love md?" " Yes." "Do you adore me?" **l s-pose." "Will yon always love you?" "Ye—here, woman, what have you ordered to be sent home now?" "The only thing I can recommend in your case," said the surgeon. ~is a long journey." " Well, if it has to be docthe patient groaned, "get out your whittling tools and go ahead with the operation." Auntie: "Now. Tommv. take my bon-

net upstairs' for me, there's a good boy." Tommy: "800-hoo! I don't want to!" Auntie: " Indeed! And why not. pray V Tommy: '"Cause mother told me you'd got a bee in it." "Is' it true, doctor." asked the summer girl, "that eating cucumbers will remove freckles?" "Of course," Teplied Doctor Kidder, "under certain circumstances." "Really? What circumstances?" "Well, provided the freckles are on the cucumbers."'

He: "Why, there'? Mrs. Gotcash in a new gown. Do look!" She: "No. indeed, I won't. Whenever I have a new gown she either pretends not to notice it or else she asks me if ■ • it's the one 2 wore last vear."

Old Ca3hly (giving his son a cheque : "Now, be careful, my boy. Resiemf>er. a fool and his money are soon parted." Spendall Cashly: "Yes. sir, and tbsinfc

you for having obliged me- so promptly." Father: "What—marry my daughter? Why, eheV only a child." Spooner: "Yes, sir. I thought I'd come- earty to avoid the rush."

First Medical Man: "My practice- hasdoubled since I came to this town." Second Medical Man: " Oh. so yon have got another patient?" "I fancy Jones must hav** paid Robinson what he owed him." " Why " "Well, didn't yon noticed that he parsed Robinson's baby without kissing it: "That new sttktslady." said the blonde. ait the ribbon counter, "has false hair and teeth." ""Yes." replied the brtmett**. who condescended to sell handkerchiefs occasionally, "and it serins that's nor th-e- only thing. I heard her complaining that she hadn't had a chance to get off her feet all day." "Does papa behave- bad sometimes, mamma?" "Xoceieur*-; He- always behaves well." "I wonder why, then, the governess* boxed his eats jus* now I" Miss Steely (coldly): "What manner of man do yon suppose would be best fitted to reach my heart?" Mr Saitoria fsarcasticailv): "An Arctic explorer, I should think." " "Everybody wants to know something about the- coming vear. One inquirer bleats, "Will Febfnarv March?" And

the August a-Rembly of wiseheads replies, "April May." "Did von bear about the defacement of Skinner's tombstone?" "Xo. What was it?" "Some one added the word 4 friends' to the epitaph." '"What was the epitaph*' "He did his best." " You're right: most people worry over •what they haven't got, bat I know certain people who worry because of what they have." "That"so? What have they?" "Nothing." Merchant: "Are yoar habits all right?" Applicant for Situation: "Yes. sir." Merchant (after a pause): "Do vou drink !" Applicant (absentlv): " Thanks, don't care if I do." "Oh, Mrs. Binks," said a lodger to his landlady one day. "I wish you eould give me a change for breakfast, as I get rather tired of a boiled egg evenday!" "Certainly, sir, I will do as vou ask with pleasure." Next morning* he was served with two boiled eggs! Rosalie: " Have yon chosen anv of vour bridesmaids yet?" May: "Yes. F.irmv Jones." Rosalie: "Whv. I thought vr.'u hated her." May: "Xo. not <Vt/Jy: but the bridesmaids are to vw.r vellow. and yon can imagine how ;\ IC , w-rIJ go. wtti complexion." "Yoo make friends r- "y. do vou not. Mr Stuckily?" was .-»•* r "of n man who had made a fortune •■ ies; quite easily." "And do y ;;eep them?" - \*nt exactly all of tf . Most of them, thongb. borrow : a me enough to *>eet> them."

"Bat,"' sair it? merchant tin the applicant, "yon ■ <.a't furnish anv reft .rente from your '■ : place." "You needn't worrjr abor hat." replied the man with the close-c- >ped head. "I wouldn't be here now, n it nadn't been for my good behaviour > my last place." '"I ?a; boy." remarked the would-be fisherman, "are there- anv fish in this stream?" "Yre." '"Will thev bite?" "None i Jiem ever bit roe. mister: but you nee- J go into the water to fish if you're *a: id of them." Fond ?father: "How do you like vonr new gove .:-ss. Johnny?" Johnny: ' : oh. I like b>r ever so much." "I'm 5.0 gladjaay ilitte boy has* a nice teacher at last." * i>h, she's awfully nicer She says she di n't care whether I learn anything or c _ . so lon-r as father pavs* ho: her salary." There are phases of the Maori character which are amusing. A lady of the race, accompanied by a diminutive boy. toiled rfowly up Shortfand-street. Auckland, the other day. tthe mother hoi and. apathetic, the boy rager and wilful. IV esently his attention was directed to a shop window in which post-cards weia arrayed in all tfwir variety and blaze t;f , colour, and he darted across the road -io explore, leaving his mother on the footpath. Alt doubt a* ti> whether it w.ti worth the while of the etdeity party ;n follow him was soon disposed »(. ' In a few momenici the youngster was nt hj; 1 side again, remarking. "They're onlv M-aoris '. Come »n '."