WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13596, 16 May 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Hello," cried voung Mr. Newlittvd, filtering the kitchen, "making some bread. •h? Or ia it cake?" "I don't know, repiled the dear little bride, with a despairing frown, "I haven't finished yet. ' Mrs. Gray: "What did she say when you told her I first met my husband m a big shop?" Mrs. White: "WW remarked it "was wonderful what a lot of chrap articles "were to be picked up in some of those place*." Visitor to London (pointing t>» ' Paul's): "Please can yon tell me the name of that building!" London Loafer: *Wot building, guv'nor? That nn oyer there! Now you've got mo. litest if I ever noticed it before t" She (watching clergyman on the golf links) » "There's* one thing I admire about the Rev. Mr. Holdforth. He always say* what he means." He: "Oh. na. be doesn't. He generally just grits his teeth !"

" Tommy," said the hostess, "you appear to be deep in thought." "iWm," replied Tommy? "ma told me some thin" to say if you should ask me to have some cake or anything, an' I bin here so long I forgit what it was." Diffident Young Man: "t T m. ah, er—er —er. Erl He—he '." Jeweller (t.» assistant): "Henry, pass me the tray of engagement rings." "Hare, you lost another tooth. Bertha!" asked auntie, who noticed an unusual lisp. ."Yetb," replied the four-year-old, "and I limpth now when I talk." "What shall I play?" asked the organist of an absent-minded clergyman. "What sort of 3 hand have you got!", •was the unexpected reply. "The Corporation has resolved to lay out a park here." "Are the preparations begun?" "Yes The 'Keep off the goes boards are all ready." Sunday School Teacher: " Who can tell me the meaning of the word 'repentance'?" A pause. Sunday School Teacher: "What ia that we feel after we have done something wrong?" Little Willie: "Papa'* slipper." "Ever been in Siberia?" asked the reporter "Er—yes," answered the distinguished Russian refugee. '"1 took a knouting there one summer 1"

A German merchant's wife complained to a friend recently: "If only my husband were not so absent-minded! The. other day.when w« were dining at a restaurant, the waiter brought him some bad fish, and all of a sudden Fritz threw the whole thing, fish, plate, bread, ail at my head. I was ashamed." A Toronto printer who. visited England last summer appears to think that conntry the champion tip-taker. He say*: "Well, I had tipped every man. from th« swell gent who seemed to own the House »f Commons* to t£e hireling who gummed the wrong labels on my luggage, and I went into the waiting-room on the landing-stage at Liverpool to wash my hands of everything English, and what do yoa think stared me in the face when I bad finished? A placard saying, "Please tip the basin f I'll be hanged if I did." David Slowpay: "I shall bring yoti back those dark trousers to be related. Mr. Snip Yoa know I sit a good deal." Mr. Snip (tailor): '* All right.; and if you'll bring the bill I sent you six months ago, I will be- pleased to receipt that also. You know I've- stood a good deal." "Father," said Farmer Jones' bny. insinuatingly, as ho leaned on has hoe, '"Tommy Perkins says the- fish are bittn' very freely to-day." "Well, you tell him if hefH come over here an* help you with your hoein' " '"Yes." '"They won't get a chance to bite him." "Yoa said you would l>< l h«»me \l eleven, and here I have b«n keeping awake this last two hoars waiting for yoa to come in'" said an angry wife. The delinquent leaned against the wall, and prepared to remove his bofits. "And I." he said softly and sorrowfully, '"have been waiting outside for this last two hours ao's you'd go to sleep!" In" Birmingham recently, an ex-officer of Hussars who is a great beavily-mous-tached fellow of six feet three,, happened to notice a very little man, who looked about four feet nothing, strolling down Corporation Street. Hastily stopping the cab in which he was riding, the soldier leapt out and shouted and beckoned his victim. When the little man ran up, the other put his hand on h&s shoulder and exclaimed: 'Ah, I've got you at last; your name and address, please." "What do you mean?" gasped the civilian, '"l've done nothing. I refuse to give my address." "Done nothing I" roared the fod of Mars. "Why I've been looking for you for two years." "For me': There must be some mistake. On what charge?" "Why. deserting from the Life Guardsf * The absurdity of the thing was heightened tenfold by the little man taking it seriously and protesting on his honour, that he had never belonged to the regsments of giants.

JUVENILE WIT. . Teacher: "Johnny Jones, what is a dromedary?" Little Johnny Jones: "Please, teacher, a dromendary is a twomasted camel!" In a certain school, the bead master had been watching very suspiciously the movements of a boy who was handing round sweets to his companions under the desk. When he called out "What are you doing there, Jenks?" "Nothing, sir," was th<prompt answer. "Well, then, you shall stay in this afternoon and prepare fifty lines of Milton for me as a punishment for idleness."

Fatter (to young hopeful) : "Eobert, is it not about time that little boys were in bed?" Kobert (aged six}: "'Really father. I must be excused from venturing an opinion. It is a subject on which I hare little interest; 1 have no little boys, you know." A teacher in a public school" asked the children to define the word '"advice." "Advice," said a. little girl, "'is when other people want yon to do the way they do." "Now, look here. Temmy," said papa. sternly, "didn't you promise: me that you wouldn't go bathing without permi?i- ton ?'' "l'ey, papa," replied Tommy. "And didn't I promise to thrash you if you did?" ""Yes, papa," said Tommy, "but as I broke my promise, suppose we call yours off. too?" Then minister was addressing the Sunday school. "Children. I want to talk to yon for a few moments about on* 1 - of the most wonderful, one of the row-it important organs in tfw whole world." he said. "What is it that throbs away. never stopping, never reading, whether yon wake or sleep, night or day. week in and week out, month in and month oat. year in and year out. without any volition on your part, hidden away in the depths, as it were, unseen by yon. throbbing. throbbing rhymicaliy all your life long?" During this pause for oratorical effect a small voice was heard: "I know: tt'-i thogas meter!"

" Yes," ?aid Mr. Pater, with rti tiuicealed pride, "my youngest hoy makes som* ■smart remarks* at times. Only recently h«s naked me what it meant to be an apprentice. I told him that, it meant the binding of out 1 person tf> another by agreement, and that one person so bound had to teach the- other »H he- cottld of hi* trade of profession, whilst the other had to watch and learn how things are done. and hod to make himself useful in etvry way possible.'" "What did fir- >-ay to that?" asked one of the andir-nce. "Why, after a few minutes, the yonng ras,::it [oofc«d up at me- and said : Then I t;upp»M.> you're apprenticed to mother, aren't y< n. dad?"