WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13532, 29 February 1908, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

The Reason Why.—Mt> liixoii : Willi*; seems to be quite ill the List few days. Mr Hixon: School op> n» soon iwtr. Judge: Prisoner. do you confer, your guilt? Prisoner: Xn. your hony.ni: tiespeech of my counsel has convinced even nit' of my entire innocence. Mrs Longwcd : Von shouldn't a'm-e mothers-in-law. Th-re an- »>m>- good unes. Mr Longwcd: I havm't >-mi a word against your.-.. lt"s mine I'm talking about. Spinster of Mature War.;: I woncer who it was. that* first used tli- phra.-i- : "One mass as good as anoth-.r':" Lively Young Nkce: I sty it was an old maid. Mrs A.: There is nothing like matrimony to make a man appreciate the value of money. Mrs 11. : That's so! A sovereign a man gives to hi.* wife doeslook bigger to him than any other sovereign. Young Borem (back from travelling on the Continent) : And so you see- I didn't take the advice of that follow who said : "See Naples and die!" Miss .Shar{>e (with a yawn): What- a pity! Servant (trembling) : Oh. ma'am, I'm sure it's burglars. Mistress: Perhaps it's only Mr Tomkins jrast .home from the club. Servant: Oh. no, ma'am, it's burglars sure enough, for they haven't fallen over anything at all. A young policeman, fresh from Scotland, was on duty, and had instruction:* to stop the traffic as Royalty wis expected. A lady who was unceremoniously "held up" on her way to the opera put her bead out of the window and called to the constable to let her carriage pass. '"I canm do it, ma'am."' the policeman said. "But I'm the wife of a Cabinet Minister." " I canna help that ma'am. I could not let you pats if yon werti the wife of a Presbyterian minister." Master Walter, aged five, had eaten the soft portions of bis toast at- oreakfast, and piled the crusts on his plate. "When I was a little boy." remarked his father, ■who sat oppesite him, " I always ate the crusts of my toast." '" Did you like them!" inquired his offspring, cheerfully. "Yes," replied the parent. "You may have these," said Master Walter, pushing his pkte across the table. ■Some little time ago a popnlar writer visited a jail in order to take notes for a magazine article on prison life. On returning home he described what he had st-en, and his description made a deep impression on the mind of his little daughter. A week later the writer stopped at a station near a gloomy building. " What place 4 is that," asked a gentleman. "The county jail," answered another promptly. WheTeupon Mary embarrassed her father and aroused the suspicions of the other passengers of the carriage by asking in a lond shrill voice, " Is that the jail you were in father?" KISSES OVER THE COUNTER. The young pest master of a village was hard at work in his office when a gentle tap was heard upon the door, and in stepped a blushing maiden of sixteen, with a money order which she desired cashed. She handed it, with a bashful smile, to the official, who, after closely examining it, gave her the money it called for. At the same time he asked her if she had read what was written on the margin of the order. "No, I have not," she replied, "for I cannot make it ottt. Will you please read it for me?" The young post master read as follows: —"I send yon ten shillings and a dozen kisses." Glancing at the bashful girl he said: "■ Now, I have paid yon the money, and I suppose yon want the kisses?" " Yes," she said, "if she has sent me kisses I want them too." It- is hardly necessary to say that the balance of the order was promptly paid, and in a scientific manner. On reaching home the delighted maiden remarked to her mother:— " Mother, this post- office system of ourt> is a great thing, developing more and more every year, and each new feature seems to be the best. Jimmy sent me a dozen kisses along with the money order, and the post master gave me twentv." BIG FARMS. "Yes, sir," resumed the Dakota man. as the crowd of Agriculturalists seated themselves around a little table; "yes, ptr, we do things on rather a sizeable scale. I've 6een a man on one of our big farms start out in the spring and plough a straight furrow until fall. Then he turnround and harvested back. We have some big farms up there, gentleman. A friend of mine owner one on which he had to give a mortgage, and the mortgage was doe on one end before they conld get it recorded on the other. You see, it was laid off in counties." There was a murmur of astonishment, and the Dak man continued:—"l got a letter from a man who lives in my orchard just before I left home, and it had been three weeks getting to the dwelling house, although it had travelled day and night." "Distances are pretty wide np there, ain't they " inquired one. "Reasonably, reasonably," replied the Dakota man. " And the worst of it is, it breaks up families so. Two years ago I saw a whole family prostrated with grief. Women yelling, children howling and dogs barking. One of my men had his camp- truck packed on seven four-mule teams and he was around bidding everybody good-bye." " Where wa3 he going " asked a Gravesend man. "He was gome half way across the farm to feed the pigs," replied the Dakota man. "Did he ever get back to his family?" "It isn't time for him yet," returned the Dakota gentleman. "Up there we send young married couples to milk the cows', and the children bring home the milk." SWEET INNOCENCE. She was young and fair, and a tear glistened in her eye as she laid her curly head upon his sdioulder and exclaimed—"Oh. George! I think if I found that, you did not love me-. I should die. 7 " "My darlinsg! be answered, passing his hand gently round her dimpled chin. "I will always "love yon. Do yon think I would marry yon if I did not feel sure < f it? In a few* days, at the altar. I shall vow to love von ail my life, and I will !wd my vow." A lovely kind of beautitie happiwft* played for a moment like sunshine on her lips, and then s-be whispered:— " Oh. George. I like to hear yon talk like that: yon have been so good to me. You have given me a diamond locket, and a gold watch and chain, and rings that an angel might wear outside her jrlotvv and not be ashamed of: and if I thonght that one day you'd be rorry you'd jrivs-n me all these nice things, and want the in hack aea.in. I should break my heart."' He lietd her gentlv against his manly breast, and answered, with a. »|iraverin:r voter-:---"Oli. my darling, there is norhinsr ' n earth that'eould happen thai- n-ould ma lime repent giving you a few it* of my Jo*-*». of make me want tli-ni hack aeja'ir." She sprang from his arms like a voting .1.-r. edi- .shook hack her sunny r- r k ,-,„■[. with a, whole poem in her haze! eyes, e.v i-Tatnied :-—• "Oh. George-, xwx havi- tak-n a load from my heart I I've come to sar f can't tirirrv von. after all. !>■ can.-.- IV -e-it ,-omebndy 1 like better, and ! thoti-.'hl yon'd want your presents; b.rcfc