WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13520, 15 February 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

'•The TV.bions u t. 1.i4, hav.--a they hope to> - is such a girl to be found'.'" "She was l>,.vn to them yesterday."

"Br the war. how did yi.ti r.mirt i>:tt -with "that think imv y.m put in }»iir husband's tea';" " Fimt-rate-. He ha>n"t drunk a. drop since-." *" Of whL-ky?" " No: tea."

A lawyer asked a woman in the witn. ssbox her age. and she promptly replied : "Old enough to havt sold milk for to drink when a baby, and I haven't got tor monev vet."

Binks (who ordered a pancake half an hour previously) : " Er—l—say. wilt that pancake be long?"' Waitress: "No. sic: it'll bo round." Then he waited patiently another half hour.

"How does it happen. Jane." snapped the angry mistress. " that 1 saw y»u feeding that policeman on pie in the kitchen last evening?" "I forgot u-r plug thekeyhole, mum." . "* Brown: *" That's a nice umbrella you've got." .Toneo : ' 'Yes : it wcti :» present." "Indeed! From whom!" "I don't know, but it says r.n the "handle: ' Presented, to Mr John Robinson.'"

Solicitor: "You can sue him fi»r hivat h of promise, madam, but it seems to me preposterous to claim £50,000 damages." Fair Client: '" I want to get so heavy a judgment against him that he'll have to marry me—the scoundrel l y An Irish candidate for the police force war> being a.-fced a few questions prirrr to being enrolled. what is the distance between York and London?" "" I don't know eiacfy. sir." he replied : " bat if that's going to be my loat I don't think TO join the force!" Artist: "Just look, darling. I was short of canvases, so I've stretched .•» clean pocket-handkerchief. Sea how splendidly it takes the paint." Prudent Little Wile : '* Oh, John, dear, how extravagent of you ! ItTI "never come out."

Crabbe: "To-day, for the first time. I was really delighted to bear my neighbour's piano going." Fiiend: " Something -worth listening to. I suppose!" Crabbe: "I should say so. I heard the. hire-purchase men taking it away." He: "I understand Von have been attending an ambulance class. Can yon tell me what is the best thing to do for a broken heart ?" She: "Oh, yes. Bind up the broken portion with a gold band, bathe with orange blossom water, and apply plenty of raw rice. Guaranteed to be well in a month." Jinks: "I bought- my. wife the finest kind of an arrangement for long motor tides." Sinks: "What is itr' "A sort of trap to wear orer her month, called a dust-protector." "Does it work?" "I don't know about the dcst pare of it. but it keeps her from talking." Mechanical dolls are made that cry very naturaHr. On* was purchased by a mother," and hidden in A drawer to await * chance for a birthday surprise. At midnight the spring got loose, and the result was that the father had arisen, lighted the gas-stove, and prepared the feedingbottfe before he discovered that it was » false alarm. A certain Colonel White, who kept two black servants, was very often absent from church. The two black men, however, attended with exemplary .regularity. One day the vicar, who was a bit of a wag. met the colonel and said:—"l say, colonel, I miss vou very often from yonr pew in church." "Oh, yes," said the colonel, arrflv; "but vouil find that my two niggers" are always there." 'Yes," said the vicar; "bat you know two blacks do not make a White." "I hope, Jenny, that von havo given the matter serious consideration," said a lady to a servant-girl who had "given notice" because she was to be married that day two weeks. "Oh, I have, ma'am," was thte earnest reply. "lye been to two fortnne-tellers and a clairvoyant, and looked in an almanac for a lucky dav. and dreamed on a lock of hi> hair, and" been to one of thos asterrologers, and to a meejuni, and they all tell ms to go ahead, ma'am. I ain't one to marry reckless like, ma'am t" In her very early youth Mrs. Smith had been a very prettv child. Her fnencs did not believe this was possible, and even she bad forgotten all about it tilt one day she unearthed a painting of herself at «ku period from among some old lumber. Kitty," said Mrs. Smith, proudly exhibiting the picture to ths servant-maid. " that is a portrait of me, painted when 1 •was a chad." Kitty gazed! open-mouthed at the production. " "Lor', mum, she said, afcer some momentg, pity it is we have to grow up, am t it. SETTING AN EXAMPLE. "There, there, my dear.' said Hobbson, soothingly, and gently to hi* wife. ■when he came home- to dmner one evening, and found her on the verge of hysterics, because the clothes-line had broken, and all the "white things had smothered with mud. "Inwes » unerring over spilled milk, and you know that 'He that rukth his sp.nt » better than he that taketh » city.' Cheer x-p, like a brave little girl. I hate to see you lcee your unusua.lv admirab.e selt-poist over a trifle, and " " Trifle t" exclaimed Mrs. Hobbson. x don't call it very much of a trine to have a whole week's washing dragged in the mud. Everything* gone wrong to-day. The copper fire is out, and " What *" "Tbere'isn't a spark of Bre in the copper, and I want yon to make it up ior "Well, I'll b* everlastingly and eterDa " : He that ruleth his spirit ' began Mrs. Hobson, tauntingly; but she <iki not finish the sentence, tor Hobbson kicked over a chair, flung lik ««« and cufiVin a corner, and said as he started tot the cellar: ' • „„. "That confounded fire has gon« on every dav for two w.-eks. and I know that it is. rfmplv b.earoe you and the girl tool -with it all" the tinv*. You neetin t deny, for I know that you do ! "If yond have it alone just as I Wave it when I g«> «'> town in the morning, it'd be all ugh.But not You must poke and dig and' shake away at it and slam in more coal and open the dampers and " '• We- never touch ' "I know better! That fin- wouldn't g» out everv blessed day if it iv;k not medilled with". Here I've got to go down and chop souk* wood and rake out ashes and work at it for two hoars and a ha.f, all because—l know that someone has been meddling with that tire, and you couldn t make me think differently it' you talked from, now until the crack ot doom. It maks* me so raging, so internally mad. to think that " "■He that ruleth hi* -spirit i " But Hobbson had gone tearing down tb«* cellar stairis to charge wildly upon the fnrnaL'e. his teeth set, and his ejvbalU threatening to fall oot. of his head. "You'd better look out »v you'll F.u-nk something." Mrs. Hobbson call-d hum tlte back of the- stairs. "Hcpe I will T Hop.- t.. c.»Mln.-r. I willr I'd like to take tb- thins;, and— " But an accumulation of du.-t locsen-d by Hobbsoti's violent ocrilanght on tlit- roppw blew right into his face, so that his ntterance was choked for several moments, and it would not Ik? light tor any .selfrespcting journal to print wliat Hobbson said whrn he had. regained his sp-ecb.