WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13490, 11 January 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

He (to tlie barber) : Lather me thoroughly —there comes my tai.or." i'lvkvns: "You never can tell about a •woman/' Slykyns: "You shouldn't, anyhow." Oueat (in bed,: "I am so sWepy _ : hat I cannot open my eyes." Ht.nt Waiter (who has just called him) : Shall I l>ring you your bid. sir." "Do yon know anything about tliriintr? " No," he replied, sadly. "1 timuglic I did. but when I tried it the girl married me." 1 "Yes; I am going to marry Mr Bullion." " Whv, he is old enough to be yonr father." "I know he is. but. unfortunately. he doesn't seem to care for mother." "Did you have a pleasan'- voyage?" " Delightful. The sea vim as smooth as glass all the way across." " Se»> any sharkst" "Not till we'got- to the Customhouse." "I suppose yon went. to bed with the chickens white" yon were away." said or.e of the neighbours, after Mrs. Salter had ieturned from h ;, r vacation visit to a farm. No, indeed I" eaid Mr?. Salter, indignantly. "They were very neat, quiet people. though they've never had city advantages. Wo had rooms in the front of the house, on the second story, and the chickens slept somewhere at the back of the hou-ie. We never saw them after sunstt. and we were there nearly three weeks. I am suro farming people are often more particular than we have been led to suppose." Horse owner—"Lookee here! This horse 1 yon Gold me has no speed." Breeder—- *'• No. Didn't breed for fwed." " But he has no draught power either. Hf can't pull- He's got no strength at all. " No. Ain't breeciin' draught heirs*-?. '• Worse than all. he balks." "Balk-, eht "Yes. he does. He balks whenever h.* fae's like it." "Ycissir. That tU-ri s the nuufr sensible .horse 1 ever saw. Wet: he feel* tired be stops and take.- .*t rr.-t. "Shere! You said this hoise was carefully bred." "Yessir. We ain't breedin' fer speed or draught. VY- breed fer brains."

A MEAN FELLOW. Mr Binks—"l met a woman to-day that I thought a good deal of once." Mrs. Binks—''"Oh. you did?" " Yes. I u.-ed to do my very best to pleise her." "Humph !" " I did everything I could to win he: aff.ction." " My goodness!" " And at last I succeeded." -ma " "S"he granted all that I asked, and by doing so made me the happiest man alive." " Merciful " "I asked ber to come right up to the house with me to-day, but she had some shopping to do, and cannot get here before supper time." " Mr. Banks, I am going right home to my mother." "She isn't at home, my dear. It was your mother i hat I met. She gave roe you." WANTED HIS DUE. The game had been played to a remarkably close finish, and the victory of the home team was eventually brought about in a sensational manner. When tha lastman went to crease the batting e.irle wanted something like a dozen runs to

win. Their chances certainly looked rosy when ihe cracked the first

two balls he received to the boundary. Before 'he next ball was delivered, a fiold-er, with mora pluck than discretion, took np the position known as " silly midon." The batsman made another foriow lunge, and tie ball, driven with fearful force ,struck the rash fielder on the top of the bead, shot high in the air. and wrrrsscued by a long-armed individual in ihe long-field. " Jo'ly hard Icnk," remarked the batsman. "If it had been ~ny other fit-.i.-r he'd have missed it. Hang the fellow's long arms!" "Long arms .indeed," growled the infielder, rubbing the top of his head , —" long arms bad nowt to do wi* it. It wor my thick head wot done it. Give a fellow his due!" IMPOSSIBLE. Boys," began the Sunday school superintendent impressively, " I hope none of you will ever get into the reprehensible habit of alluding to your father cs ' the old man.' When yon grow up, no mattter how .big or old yoa may be, yon should always look up lo and respect the silver hairs of your father, who has grown b_'nt and grey working for you in yonr infancy. Now, all of you who think you can do this please raise your right hands." Up went every hand except Sternly the delinquent, the superintendent solemnly observed:— "Why, young man, I am horrified — absolutely horrified —as well as astonished at your behaviour. Don't you wish to raise your hand and put yourself on record as being willing to jespect the gray haiis of your father when you grow up to be a man?" " No. No use tryin'; can't do it nohow," unblcehingly responded the lad. "Why not, sir!" "Cause he ain't liable to have no gTey hair. Dad's bald," chirped the youtului philosopher; and amid a general titter th& discomfited superintendent gave it op and passed on to something else. JIM'S PET FISH. Jim Hance is a famous guide in the Grand Canon of Arizona. When tourists are thick Jim rides ovri to the botelfi and talks to them. He luumarvellous tales to tell. One day he was standing by the top of the Bright Angel trial, with a few pieces of meat in l»x. hand. " What are you going to do with that meat, Mr Hance?" asked a pert touristlady from Boston. ~ Why, I'm going down to feed my pet fish with it." "Your pet fish? Have you a pet Oh, tell me all about it!" Wal," said Jim, "it was this way: One time, some years ago, I wac fishin" down there in the canon in the Colorado River. I wasn't havin' much luck, but all of a sudden, I seen a commotion in the water and a tolerable->ized tith viz u]> and looked at ir.-e. I seen the thing waangry, and as there ain't anything more desprit than a mad tish, I ducked. I w;;.just in time, for the fish leaped otit of the water and straight at me. He'ii 'a' speared me isnre if it hadn't been for that duck of mine. As it was, he went t-iean over me and landed in a pool in the hollow of the rocks behind me. where ther.was a considerable pond of water. He couldn't get out. and he's then- y«-t. Hi:,, and me is fast friends now. and i go twic • a week and feed him."

"How long was that';" "It was seventeen Tears ago." "The fish must rjuite large by tliitime." " 0h T " eaid Jim, " not so much - -not yr. much. Last time I put the tape on hin h 3 'ffllS only twenty-seven feet l'.-ng. riv »in't got his full growth yit."