WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIC, Issue 13462, 7 December 1907, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Rich Old Uncle: "And. remember, dear, that when I die all that I have goes to yon." Niece: "Thank you. unci.'. l)o let me give vo;i some more mince pie. "'Ere. George." cried a navvy to his mate as thev crossed a lecture-hall where an address "on "The Era of Cleanliness" -was announced, "let's go in and ear wot the bloke's got to say. I always thought it was an error myself." Candidate: " Yus. as I've already i<.l(l you. gentlemen, you see before you a felfmade man."' Voice (from the back) : "Better ha' put the job out. mister!" Young Mr Green: " What a lot I seemed to have learned to-night! "* How I have benefited by this conversation with you. my dear Miss Roberts! Somehow your intellect seems to' appeal to mine. Are you a literary lady?" Miso Roberts: "No. I am the teacher of an infants'

school." " You sketch with a frc - hand. Miss Brownsmith," remarked the professor, who had been critically examining her portfolio. "Entirely free." said the young lady, r.s she cast down here eyes in soft confusion, and waited for tlia professor to follow up the opening. Client (to matrimonial agent): " You showed me this lady's photo last year and told me she was twenty-five; but after making enquiries I find that she is over thirty." Matrimonial Agent: "Well, you see, her father died lately, and that aged her very much." A kind old gentleman seeing a sin.-ill boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said: " Don't all those paperts make you tired, my boy?" "Naw, I don't read Vm." Hccband : " I wish you would stop this everlasting picking flaws in yonr neigh- i bours." Wife: "That's just like you: von never want me to have the least pleasni'e." Is this. then, to be the end of the romance?" he ccked. "No," she answered. "My lawyer will call on yon in the morning. I have a bushel and a half of your lertera." Mother: "What is the trouble between you and Charles?" Mrs. Nen wed : "I—l always heard Charles was fond of the Turf," but I simply can't make him touch t the lawn-mower!" Veteran: "When I waz in Egypt in 1850 I wuz walking, in the desert one evening, when all of a sudden I met a Polar bear." Lady: " But there are'nt Polar bears in Egypt." Veteran: "Excuse me, mum. I'm talking ab;;ut sixty years ago!" "Bobby, your mamma tel's me you are a very bright boy, and she exp.ee!>> you to be a great man," said" Mr Blcssoin, as he sat in the parlour, waiting for Bobby's sister. "Ma never does 'spect no:hin' right. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She told pa she 'spected you and Flossie would be married' fore January, and that was more'n a year ago." Father: "My daughter has studied music for a year now, and has not made the least progress." Music Teacher: "It is the fault of the piano, my dear eir. There is one in the shop near here that your daughter would learn to play in a verv short time. Father: " H'm ■ What is there special about it ?" Mtx-ic Teacher: "Well to look at it, it is very Jike this one, but yon play it by turning a handle." '• Mr Dooley" has a few words cn automobiles : —"Do I think the autymobill has come to stay? Sure, I'll never tell ye. I've seen all th' wurnld but- me on roller skates- I've seen ivrybody ridin' a bicycle but me'. Tin years ago, when ve're son was hoi din'' on to ye er ar-ims £6 ye reeled up th 7 sihreet on a wheel, savin' yer prayers wan maynit an' th' revarse another, yer toi' me that th bicycle ad come to stay because it- was niciarv to get round quick. To-day ye blush an' say yer waitin' fcr an atitymobill till it gets cheap enough fr ivrybody to have wan. Whin th' little, eager m;e-senger-boy is dashin' up t' sthreet in an eighty horse-power Demon Terror th' rich will be flyin' kites or r-runnin' balloons, an* there'll be a parachute force iv poliumen chass thim acrost th' skies !'' Bobby Smith, aged nine, was the shining light of the family, and h : s father was. very proud of him. " I shall call round and eee your teacher, said his fond parent, " and thank him for the interest he is taking in I want to tell you that ail the boys in class are not known by name, butby number only. My number is 25." In due course the father called at- the school and knocked at the door, which was after a few moments opened by headmaster. "Good morning, sir," said Mr Smith, " I am the father of 25." " Indeed," replied the schoolmaster with surprise. " Come inside, my friend.' I can feel for you, for I am the father of twelve mvself." . . A MARVELLOUS MINNOW. An English editor, in defending.- the case of the angler, says:—For go me reason or other there is an idea abroad that anglers are apt to exaggerate their exploits. Perhaps you have heard the epitaph which was once composed by an enthusiastic, though rath:-r unaccomplished fisherman: He angled many a purling brcok, He lacked the angler's skill; He lied about the fish he took, And now he's lying still. As a hnmble wielder of the rod and line, I am always anxious to pretest against this unfair insinuation. As a whole. lam sure we do not brag any more than any other body of sportsmen, and the term "fishy" which is now applied to a doubtful story of any kind, is altogether undeserved* For this reason I am glad to publish the story which F. W. (Sheffield) has sent- me concerning his experiences. He was once taking part in a ffching competition EiC-nr Boston, for which there were numerous prizes, including such handy little articles as a sideboard, a fender, and a bedstead. In addition to a special prize for the heaviest fish caught, there was also another handsome reward for the greatest weight of fish returned alive into the water. With hope in their hearts and a plentiful supply of bait beside them, F. W. and his fellow competitors settled themselves down to 6trike terror in the £>: h. I' will not dwell upon the painful scene, but merely sta'e the fact that within a few minutes of "time" nota single angler had had a bit;. At the verv last moment, however, F. W. felt a tiny nibble, and amidst wild exciiement hauled out a wee minnow who tipped the beam at three-quarters of an ounc;. This aquatic monster secured for him the following prizes: Fir*t prize (largest catch). Special do (heaviest single fish caught). Special do (largest weight of fiih returned alive into the water).